I'm getting seriously bored of Twitter. You just know that when "Dave" the Prime Minister joins something then it's pretty much time to go home. It's actually been "over" for about a year now. I can't remember the exact moment when I thought "this is rubbish", but I probably tweeted the fact and, if I could be bothered, I could look back over my tweets and give you the exact time and date. I think the problem with Twitter is that the bigger it's got, the more twats you have to deal with.
But it's not just the newbies that are bad. Anyone who has built up a vast amount of followers hits some critical mass and becomes as dull as ditch water. They seem to work hard to get the followers by being subversive or shocking or, God forbid, honest. Something, however, seems to happen the moment they hit the million mark. An unbearable smugness descends on their tweets and #sycophancy becomes the order of the day.
Celebrity Twitter is now just a petty place for bored egos. Dullards like Lewis Hamilton "diss" Jenson Button for unfollowing him, only to then find out that Button had never followed him in the first place. Meanwhile overpaid and under-educated footballers use the medium to slag each other off on their gold-plated keyboards. Every "Twat spat" is lapped up by a lazy media who seem to use Twitter as the source for 90 per cent of showbiz news.
I used to enjoy the odd Twitter spat with a racist or moronic follower but I have given up the ghost. It's like some weird zombie film in which, if you manage to behead one, a hundred more take its place. I've had some successes – I got one guy fired when he tweeted me to wish that my children got cancer. Unluckily for him he sent the tweet from his work address so I just retweeted it to his boss.
Most of the time, however, I used to spend my days correcting the grammar of those insulting me. "Your fat, your not funy, your reely shit …" It seems more than a coincidence that almost all online morons are … morons. I have yet to find a single troll who can use "your" and "you're" properly.
So one day I decided enough was enough. I stopped reading Twitter, and I got my life back. Now I occasionally post something informative, but I don't read anything back and I am one hundred times happier.
For this, you see, is the secret to Twitter. Ignore it. I abhor the trolls who spend their lonely lives trying to upset people by saying the most revolting/antisocial/shocking things, but I also think that things are rocketing out of control when someone who puts up anything offensive is charged and ends up in court. This only encourages the single-cell keyboard organisms that can only heavy breathe through the oxygen of publicity. The golden rule on Twitter is "don't feed the trolls". By simply not being read, they become invisible and irrelevant. They become lonely people writing abuse and throwing it out of their dungeon windows (do dungeons have windows?) and into the wind hoping that someone will read it and notice them. Don't fan the flames. Tune out, drop out.