Let's give all crimes the Leveson treatment

They had to get a Lord Justice to do it. Anyone normal would have yelled, “You did WHAT? Are you competing with Savile for the Sicko Personality of the Year Award?”

Share

As newspapers and politicians debate how to respond to the Leveson Report, the one certainty is that it was such a success it should now be the method used for any group caught in an act of serial criminality. Bank robbers, for example, should no longer have to face a trial that might be all over in a few weeks.

Instead, Lord Justice Leveson should hold an inquiry in which he looks down at his notes, leans back, then says mildly, “Do you recall the meeting, on 9 March 2008, in which you supplied Fat Nobby with a box of sawn-off shotguns?”

“I don’t recall that meeting, no. I very rarely speak to my gangsters,” the witness will say. “On 2 April,” the Lord Justice will continue, “you made a payment of £30,000 to World of Corpses, that operates under the slogan, ‘If they snitch, they’ll turn up in a ditch’. Can you tell me why you wrote that cheque?” “Can’t remember”, the witness will say.

Then Lord Justice Leveson will thank the witness for his co-operation and 18 months later he’ll compile a 2,000 page report full of phrases like, “While it may be beneficial for armed robbery to be constrained within the limits of bullets employed as per the guidelines outlined by the self-regulating body, the Reasonable Heist Association, I feel there is a requirement for legislation in certain quarters to require robbers not to blast civilians through the head.”

Then the robbers can say, “Thanks for your efforts, Lord Justice, but we’d rather take no notice. After all, we’re the experts on bank robbery so I think we’re the ones who know best what should and shouldn’t be robbed.” Then everyone can carry on as normal.

It’s easy to see why they had to get a Lord Justice to compile the report, because anyone normal would have yelled, “You did WHAT? You HACKED into murdered people’s phones? Are you competing with Savile for the Sicko Personality of the Year Award, you maniac?”

Legislation would probably make no difference, as there was already legislation, and the police claimed they “left no stone unturned” in investigating the crimes. This turned out, if you looked closely, to be subtly different from the truth, which is that they hadn’t even opened the sacks of evidence. So the argument seems to revolve around whether there should be a new set of laws for the police to ignore. The police, quite reasonably, say, “We’ve got enough to do as it is ignoring all the old laws, without having to ignore a new lot on top.”

So the hacking, illegal payments, influence of Murdoch over governments and other problems have been created by three groups – the press, the police and the politicians. And the argument they’re having now is whose responsibility it is to bugger it up from now on, until the next inquiry when one of them gets caught.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator - Fixed Term Contract

£17500 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We currently require an experie...

Recruitment Genius: Partner Manager - EMEA

£50000 - £100000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Partner Manager is required ...

Recruitment Genius: Regional Sales Manager - OTE £100,000

£45000 - £100000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Regional Sales Manager is re...

Recruitment Genius: IT Support Engineer

£18000 - £22000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The company provides IT support...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Caitlyn Jenner, the transgender Olympic champion formerly known as Bruce, unveiled her new name on Monday  

'I'm the happiest I've been for a long time and I finally know where I fit': Here's why role models matter for trans kids

Susie Green
 

We all have a problem with drink, not just Charles Kennedy

Simon Kelner
Sepp Blatter resignation: The beginning of Fifa's long road to reform?

Does Blatter's departure mean Fifa will automatically clean up its act?

Don't bet on it, says Tom Peck
Charles Kennedy: The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

The baby of the House who grew into a Lib Dem giant

Charles Kennedy was consistently a man of the centre-left, dedicated to social justice, but was also a champion of liberty and an opponent of the nanny-state, says Baroness Williams
Syria civil war: The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of this endless conflict

The harrowing testament of a five-year-old victim of Syria's endless civil war

Sahar Qanbar lost her mother and brother as civilians and government soldiers fought side by side after being surrounded by brutal Islamist fighters. Robert Fisk visited her
The future of songwriting: How streaming is changing everything we know about making music

The future of songwriting

How streaming is changing everything we know about making music
William Shemin and Henry Johnson: Jewish and black soldiers receive World War I Medal of Honor amid claims of discrimination

Recognition at long last

Jewish and black soldiers who fought in WWI finally receive medals after claims of discrimination
Beating obesity: The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters

Beating obesity

The new pacemaker which helps over-eaters
9 best women's festival waterproofs

Ready for rain: 9 best women's festival waterproofs

These are the macs to keep your denim dry and your hair frizz-free(ish)
Cycling World Hour Record: Nervous Sir Bradley Wiggins ready for pain as he prepares to go distance

Wiggins worried

Nervous Sir Bradley ready for pain as he prepares to attempt cycling's World Hour Record
Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Liverpool close in on Milner signing

Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

On your feet!

Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

The big NHS question

Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

Thongs ain't what they used to be

Big knickers are back
Thurston Moore interview

Thurston Moore interview

On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
In full bloom

In full bloom

Floral print womenswear
From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

From leading man to Elephant Man

Bradley Cooper is terrific