Life on Marsden: I never thought I'd be thrown out of a bar. Let alone because of a suit jacket

25 years of drinking and it's finally come to this

Share
Related Topics

I'd never been chucked out of a bar before. Extraordinarily well behaved over 25 years of drinking in licensed establishments, I suddenly found myself standing on a pavement, deeply confused, my cheeks red with injustice and 25 years of drinking.

I'd experienced that typical end-of-night exuberance where you want to keep celebrating the unlikely sequence of events that led to you becoming a pissed human being in the year 2013. But as time ticked by the only establishments left open were ones that I'd never dream of entering under normal circumstances. In the same way as I'd never have lunch at Newport Pagnell services unless I found myself on the M1 at 1pm, I'd never normally opt to drink in a bar where my admission depends on the rapidly changing whims of a powerful man with a straggly goatee beard and an aversion to living creatures.

I walked past him and I'd almost reached the bar when I heard him call after me. "Oi! You can take that off," he said, pointing to my jacket. "No suit jackets in here." I raised my eyebrows. "Seriously?" I asked. "Take it off," he replied, aggressively.

I was nonplussed. This was a pretty regular form of attire. I wasn't wearing radioactive shoes or an ammo belt. I wondered what appalling havoc he imagined I might end up wreaking with the top half of a cheap machine-washable suit and an upbeat mood. As a spurious reason for denying entry, this ranked alongside having a surname beginning with B, possessing a needlework qualification, having eaten mince in the last fortnight or knowing all the words to "The Lambeth Walk".

"That's crazy," I muttered, rolling my eyes. "If you're going to have that attitude," he shouted, "get out. Get out, before I drag you out."

I reluctantly walked back past him, stopping momentarily to look him in the eye, hoping that he'd grab me by the lapels so I could point out to him how useful they are.

But I don't like confrontation, so I kept walking. I then imagined how, in the future, my children might say to me: "Daddy, have you ever been chucked out of a bar?" And I'd reply, "Yes, children, but I don't like to talk about it", conveniently omitting that the main reason for that is because the story has a weak ending.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Langley James : Web Developer; PHP, MySQL, Java; Blackfriars; £25k

£25000 per annum + training: Langley James : Web Developer; PHP, MySQL, Java; ...

h2 Recruit Ltd: Sales Manager - Holiday Homes - £100,000 OTE

£40000 - £60000 per annum + £100,000 OTE: h2 Recruit Ltd: Birmingham, Derby, L...

h2 Recruit Ltd: New Business Sales Manager - Talent Management - £60,000 OTE

£35000 - £60000 per annum + benefits: h2 Recruit Ltd: A true market leader in ...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Consultant - OTE £35,000

£18000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Business Development Consulta...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The racy marketing to entice consumers to buy Fairlife, which launches in the US next month  

The Fairlife 'Coke Milk' adverts: Do we really need pin-up girls to sell us drinks?

Ylva Johannesson
Australian cricketer Phil Hughes has died aged 25  

Phillip Hughes: A sensational man, both on and off the pitch

Angus Fraser
Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

It's in all our interests to look after servicemen and women who fall on hard times, say party leaders
Millionaire Sol Campbell wades into wealthy backlash against Labour's mansion tax

Sol Campbell cries foul at Labour's mansion tax

The former England defender joins Myleene Klass, Griff Rhys Jones and Melvyn Bragg in criticising proposals
Nicolas Sarkozy returns: The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?

Sarkozy returns

The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?
Is the criticism of Ed Miliband a coded form of anti-Semitism?

Is the criticism of Miliband anti-Semitic?

Attacks on the Labour leader have coalesced around a sense that he is different, weird, a man apart. But is the criticism more sinister?
Ouija boards are the must-have gift this Christmas, fuelled by a schlock horror film

Ouija boards are the must-have festive gift

Simon Usborne explores the appeal - and mysteries - of a century-old parlour game
There's a Good Girl exhibition: How female creatives are changing the way women are portrayed in advertising

In pictures: There's a Good Girl exhibition

The new exhibition reveals how female creatives are changing the way women are portrayed in advertising
UK firm Biscuiteers is giving cookies a makeover - from advent calendars to doll's houses

UK firm Biscuiteers is giving cookies a makeover

It worked with cupcakes, doughnuts and macarons so no wonder someone decided to revamp the humble biscuit
Can SkySaga capture the Minecraft magic?

Can SkySaga capture the Minecraft magic?

It's no surprise that the building game born in Sweden in 2009 and now played by millions, has imitators keen to construct their own mega money-spinner
The King's School is way ahead of the pack when it comes to using the latest classroom technology

Staying connected: The King's School

The school in Cambridgeshire is ahead of the pack when it comes to using the latest classroom technology. Richard Garner discovers how teachers and pupils stay connected
Christmas 2014: 23 best women's perfumes

Festively fragrant: the best women's perfumes

Give a loved one a luxe fragrance this year or treat yourself to a sensual pick-me-up
Arsenal vs Borussia Dortmund: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain celebrates century with trademark display of speed and intuition

Arsenal vs Borussia Dortmund

The Ox celebrates century with trademark display of speed and intuition
Billy Joe Saunders vs Chris Eubank Jnr: When two worlds collide

When two worlds collide

Traveller Billy Joe Saunders did not have a pampered public-school upbringing - unlike Saturday’s opponent Chris Eubank Jnr
Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: Drifting and forgotten - turning lives around for ex-soldiers

Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: Turning lives around for ex-soldiers

Our partner charities help veterans on the brink – and get them back on their feet
Putin’s far-right ambition: Think-tank reveals how Russian President is wooing – and funding – populist parties across Europe to gain influence in the EU

Putin’s far-right ambition

Think-tank reveals how Russian President is wooing – and funding – populist parties across Europe to gain influence in the EU
Tove Jansson's Moominland: What was the inspiration for Finland's most famous family?

Escape to Moominland

What was the inspiration for Finland's most famous family?