Life on Marsden: Want to know how to have sex with women? Read on...

Why not follow the notion that women are a homogenous entity to which we have annoyingly mislaid the operating manual?

I know the secret of how to have sex with women. I also know the secret of how to reveal the secret of how to have sex with women in order to maximise the impact on the male reader: tell him you know the secret of how to have sex with women, but don't reveal it until the end of the article – or, ideally, build up the suspense so ferociously that by the end he'll part with £20 to have the secret sent to him in a brown envelope.

Of course, anyone who claims to know the secret of how to have sex with women is an idiot, verging on a sociopathic idiot. You read their advice with incredulity, spreading as it does the notion that women are a homogenous entity to which we have annoyingly mislaid the operating manual. Last week, an article bobbed up on the AskMen UK website that "revealed" 10 tips for cajoling women into having sex – but that wasn't its real function.

It was more of a guide to establishing a 40-mile female-free exclusion zone around yourself, a handbook for achieving toe-curling embarrassment and long-term misery. "Imply that you're a stud," begins point eight, before suggesting that the phrase "I'm good at a LOT of things" successfully conveys studdishness. It introduces a number of suggested behaviours that would have a harassment suit slapped on you if you attempted them in a work environment.

"For example," says the author, a Mr DeAngelo, "if she says her drink is big, you can reply with something like 'Big can be a good thing, don't you think?'" (Tip: he means your penis, lads. He's talking about your penis.)

A few hours after the article was unwillingly dredged up from the bowels of the internet, AskMen UK tweeted: "An offensive article has been brought to our attention. The article was published in 2009 & does not reflect the current AskMen UK editorial opinion & content… We apologise for any offence this legacy content has caused."

The article's not there any more, so sadly you can't benefit from its wisdom. But now it's time for me to reveal how to have sex with women: don't behave like a dick, keep not behaving like a dick, and keep your fingers crossed that there's some mutual attraction. This method has a 0.75 per cent success rate, and this is normal.

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