Molesworth’s guide to the new grammar SATs

No peking at yore naybors answer sheet. you have 45 minutes...

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The Independent Online

Boo sucks we hav just lurned that we now all hav yet another SATS TEST to do this year and it is grammer chiz chiz all so that the beaks can crush the brave fearles sprit of boys (altho the GURLS all luv the subj) and always sa things like you didnt orter sa that molesworth you should hav said whom not who ect ect I mene realy this is the living end. It is all the super whiz I don’t think idea of Michael Gove who hav a face like a squished tomato and for once I do not exagerrate.

So in we all troop into the hall chiz moan drone masters man the exits with kalashnikovs ect it is the same old storey. No peking at yore naybors answer sheet hand over all buble gum cut throte razors attom bombs ect you have 45 minutes turn over the paper NOW.


Q. Circle all the adverbs in the sentence below:

“Excitedly, Dan opened the heavy lid. He paused briefly and looked at the treasure.”

Cor I mene strike a lite but could somebode explane to me what is going on in Dans head? If i had discovered a box of tresure the last thing i would be doing is circling the adverbs. I care less than 0 for adverbs at the best of times but if had found a box of roobies emralds gold ect the first thing i would do would be stuf  my pokets with the lot and then SCRAM. Also that look like 2 scentences to me hem hem.


Q. A prefix is a letter or a group of letters added to the beginning of a word to make a new word. For example: “Unhappy”.

Go on. I am wating for the question mark at the end of this but it seme that even the people setting this loopy test do not kno their own subj. quis custodet ipsos custodies eh? (Lat.)


Put a prefix at the beginning of each word to make it mean the opposite:  __behave  __correct  __possible

Maybe this hav something to do with the previous Q. maybe it do not. As it is i neither kno nor care. Next!


Q. Circle the preposition in this sentence: She waited until 10 o’clock.

Agane with the circling. Why must we circle the proposition? Are we afrade of it? Do it hav fangs or a switchblade? I sa we charge it before 10 o’clock when it least expect it hurrah hurrah.


Q. – but o dere our time is now up hand papers in wate for results tremble tremble and think about future job prospects which lets face it do not exist unless pater and mater hav sent you to ETON. Will this test help us when we ring people up all day and sa excuse me sir or madam hav you considered changing yore gas suplier? I think NOT. 

(With acknowledgments to Geoffrey Willans)