Morrissey says more homosexuals means less war, but history disagrees with him and so do I

Murder is not the preserve of straight men, I'm afraid. Neither is watching football


Morrissey is a man who speaks his mind and when he does, his words echo around the world. This, unfortunately, is like attaching a megaphone to the bum hole of a Russian clown.

Yes, he’s a morose musical genius who I happen to adore but he does have some of the most absurd opinions. The latest to emanate from his quagmind and frizzle through his misery-quiff is that the world would be a more peaceful place if there were more gay men. Perhaps a further proliferation of fellow shirt-lifters would lead to an increase in wet-wipes, chocolate Labradors and the number of comedic scenes in Coronation Street, but peace? The 53-year-old singer made his claims in an interview with an online magazine aimed at teenage girls. In the phenomenally yawn-worthy web-à-tête, he revealed that, as a young man, he saw war as a purely heterosexual phenomenon. To quote: “If more men were homosexual, there would be no wars, because homosexual men would never kill other men, whereas heterosexual men love killing other men.”

Now this is sort of true. My straight mates are forever saying to me: “Andy, stop being such a pant-yanker! Forget dressing in rubber and strapping yourself to the wall of a Vauxhall grotto. Come out with us! We’re going to watch Arsenal, get a curry, kill other men and then fire up the ol’ PlayStation! Get in!”

I jest of course. I’m going to do the Carrie Bradshaw voice now: As I walked back home along 54th street past Chicken Cottage I got to thinking about what Morrissey had said: Maybe straight guys are more likely to murder other men and start wars that will ultimately lead to countless fatalities and even genocide. If you probe the annals of time, can you reach a prostate of enlightenment? Maybe war is straight. And if so…does that mean peace is gay?

Well, reader I carried out my own research (Wikipedia) to try and find out if any gay man had ever killed anyone in the history of humanity. The answer, I’m sorry to say, is yes.


Killed: 22 young men.

Fritz Haarmann was a foul and insane German gay serial killer who prowled for rent boys, lured them back to his flat and killed them by biting them through the neck during sex. As any of my former dates will tell you, I love neck-action but frankly Fritz over-egged the cake. He then went on to sell the chopped-up man meat as black market pork, which is, ironically, another term for rent. 


Killed: George Cornell, Jack ‘The Hat’ McVitie (assisted), most likely a number of other shady characters.

Ronnie Kray was quite open about being a chutney ferret, though sometimes he called himself bisexual and on other occasions he said he was ‘omosexual. It is testament to his fearsome reputation in London that ‘doing a Ronnie’ didn’t become Cockney rhyming slang for liking a bit of willy fun. Ronnie Kray = gay. It was reported he enjoyed giving Lord Robert Boothby a good Ronnying but those allegations were dropped and an apology was printed by the newspaper in question. Methinks the gangster doth protest too much but me wouldn’t have said so to his face.


Killed: countless millions

I shall refrain from making light of this historical ogre. There is nothing remotely funny about the many millions killed by the Nazis, including at least 15,000 gay people who were placed in concentration camps and many more who were used for scientific testing.

There has long been speculation surrounding Hitler’s sexuality. It is avoided on the whole by academics. I assume this is because  frankly, it’s utterly irrelevant. For my part, I remember sitting in history class at secondary school, watching a video of the Fuhrer making one of his infamous speeches, and thinking: “Gay”. As for actual evidence, In 1915, Hitler was a young dispatch rider at the front in France. One of his fellow soldiers, Hans Mend, later wrote in his memoirs: 'At night, Hitler lay with Schmidl, his male whore.' It’s also thought Hitler had a number of his generals killed, in fear of them revealing his secret. We shall never know for sure but allow me to say this: he liked painting.


Killed: Thousands whilst destroying the Persian Empire mainly because he didn’t like their rugs.

Alexander’s name has been clumsily translated. In fact, he called himself Alexander the Fabulous! There are many portraits of him, made in his lifetime and oh my goodness he was hooooot! It’s literally the only time I’ve ever wanted to lick a bust. His lover was his boyhood schoolfriend, Hephaestion. As with any pupil at Eton, their deep physical bond lasted a lifetime and when Alexander died at the tender age of 32, Hephastion was told by the family that he wasn’t welcome and he was stopped from placing the penis-shaped wreath on the funeral chariot.


Killed: Henry Stafford, The Princes in the Tower. (Oh he SO did it!)  

It is thought that the recently exhumed crookback, Richard III was a big woofter. Accounts from those who met him describe him as being feminine and, upon his death, some hilarious soul decided to poke a dagger up his bottom. Neither fact conclusively tells us that he was gay but when I saw the skeleton being lifted from the car park, my gaydar went bonkers. I have a knack for sensing the homosexual tendencies of the deceased. When I walk through a graveyard my manhood waves around like a dowsing rod. Furthermore, the well-known historian Dr David Starkey and I have been carrying out our own research into England’s last Plantagenet monarch and we discovered a long-forgotten account of the Battle of Bosworth Field. Here it is:

King Richard III did arrive at the field fashionably late for our most terrible battle. He apologised and blamed his tardiness on having misplaced his brooch. On the commencement of the fighting, the King thundered into the melee, bellowing in most manly voice, “We fight for God! Chase me! Chase me!”

To listen to Andy West read his column - with accents - click here.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Practice Accountant - Bournemouth - £38,000

£32000 - £38000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A successful accountancy practice in...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped commission: SThree: Does earning a 6 figu...

Recruitment Genius: SEO Executive

£18000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: New Lift Sales Executive - Lift and Elevators

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A challenging opportunity for a...

Day In a Page

Read Next

Errors & Omissions: A widow’s tale with an unexpected twist

John Rentoul

For all his faults, Russell Brand is utterly sincere, something politicians should emulate

Janet Street-Porter
The saffron censorship that governs India: Why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression

The saffron censorship that governs India

Zareer Masani reveals why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression
Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Supreme Court rules Dominic Grieve's ministerial veto was invalid
Distressed Zayn Malik fans are cutting themselves - how did fandom get so dark?

How did fandom get so dark?

Grief over Zayn Malik's exit from One Direction seemed amusing until stories of mass 'cutting' emerged. Experts tell Gillian Orr the distress is real, and the girls need support
The galaxy collisions that shed light on unseen parallel Universe

The cosmic collisions that have shed light on unseen parallel Universe

Dark matter study gives scientists insight into mystery of space
The Swedes are adding a gender-neutral pronoun to their dictionary

Swedes introduce gender-neutral pronoun

Why, asks Simon Usborne, must English still struggle awkwardly with the likes of 's/he' and 'they'?
Disney's mega money-making formula: 'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan

Disney's mega money-making formula

'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan
Lobster has gone mainstream with supermarket bargains for £10 or less - but is it any good?

Lobster has gone mainstream

Anthea Gerrie, raised on meaty specimens from the waters around Maine, reveals how to cook up an affordable feast
Easter 2015: 14 best decorations

14 best Easter decorations

Get into the Easter spirit with our pick of accessories, ornaments and tableware
Paul Scholes column: Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season

Paul Scholes column

Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season
Inside the Kansas greenhouses where Monsanto is 'playing God' with the future of the planet

The future of GM

The greenhouses where Monsanto 'plays God' with the future of the planet
Britain's mild winters could be numbered: why global warming is leaving UK chillier

Britain's mild winters could be numbered

Gulf Stream is slowing down faster than ever, scientists say
Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Donation brings total raised by Homeless Veterans campaign to at least £1.25m
Oh dear, the most borrowed book at Bank of England library doesn't inspire confidence

The most borrowed book at Bank of England library? Oh dear

The book's fifth edition is used for Edexcel exams
Cowslips vs honeysuckle: The hunt for the UK’s favourite wildflower

Cowslips vs honeysuckle

It's the hunt for UK’s favourite wildflower
Child abuse scandal: Did a botched blackmail attempt by South African intelligence help Cyril Smith escape justice?

Did a botched blackmail attempt help Cyril Smith escape justice?

A fresh twist reveals the Liberal MP was targeted by the notorious South African intelligence agency Boss