Morrissey says more homosexuals means less war, but history disagrees with him and so do I

Murder is not the preserve of straight men, I'm afraid. Neither is watching football

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Morrissey is a man who speaks his mind and when he does, his words echo around the world. This, unfortunately, is like attaching a megaphone to the bum hole of a Russian clown.

Yes, he’s a morose musical genius who I happen to adore but he does have some of the most absurd opinions. The latest to emanate from his quagmind and frizzle through his misery-quiff is that the world would be a more peaceful place if there were more gay men. Perhaps a further proliferation of fellow shirt-lifters would lead to an increase in wet-wipes, chocolate Labradors and the number of comedic scenes in Coronation Street, but peace? The 53-year-old singer made his claims in an interview with an online magazine aimed at teenage girls. In the phenomenally yawn-worthy web-à-tête, he revealed that, as a young man, he saw war as a purely heterosexual phenomenon. To quote: “If more men were homosexual, there would be no wars, because homosexual men would never kill other men, whereas heterosexual men love killing other men.”

Now this is sort of true. My straight mates are forever saying to me: “Andy, stop being such a pant-yanker! Forget dressing in rubber and strapping yourself to the wall of a Vauxhall grotto. Come out with us! We’re going to watch Arsenal, get a curry, kill other men and then fire up the ol’ PlayStation! Get in!”

I jest of course. I’m going to do the Carrie Bradshaw voice now: As I walked back home along 54th street past Chicken Cottage I got to thinking about what Morrissey had said: Maybe straight guys are more likely to murder other men and start wars that will ultimately lead to countless fatalities and even genocide. If you probe the annals of time, can you reach a prostate of enlightenment? Maybe war is straight. And if so…does that mean peace is gay?

Well, reader I carried out my own research (Wikipedia) to try and find out if any gay man had ever killed anyone in the history of humanity. The answer, I’m sorry to say, is yes.

FRITZ HARRMANN

Killed: 22 young men.

Fritz Haarmann was a foul and insane German gay serial killer who prowled for rent boys, lured them back to his flat and killed them by biting them through the neck during sex. As any of my former dates will tell you, I love neck-action but frankly Fritz over-egged the cake. He then went on to sell the chopped-up man meat as black market pork, which is, ironically, another term for rent. 

RONNIE KRAY

Killed: George Cornell, Jack ‘The Hat’ McVitie (assisted), most likely a number of other shady characters.

Ronnie Kray was quite open about being a chutney ferret, though sometimes he called himself bisexual and on other occasions he said he was ‘omosexual. It is testament to his fearsome reputation in London that ‘doing a Ronnie’ didn’t become Cockney rhyming slang for liking a bit of willy fun. Ronnie Kray = gay. It was reported he enjoyed giving Lord Robert Boothby a good Ronnying but those allegations were dropped and an apology was printed by the newspaper in question. Methinks the gangster doth protest too much but me wouldn’t have said so to his face.

HITLER

Killed: countless millions

I shall refrain from making light of this historical ogre. There is nothing remotely funny about the many millions killed by the Nazis, including at least 15,000 gay people who were placed in concentration camps and many more who were used for scientific testing.

There has long been speculation surrounding Hitler’s sexuality. It is avoided on the whole by academics. I assume this is because  frankly, it’s utterly irrelevant. For my part, I remember sitting in history class at secondary school, watching a video of the Fuhrer making one of his infamous speeches, and thinking: “Gay”. As for actual evidence, In 1915, Hitler was a young dispatch rider at the front in France. One of his fellow soldiers, Hans Mend, later wrote in his memoirs: 'At night, Hitler lay with Schmidl, his male whore.' It’s also thought Hitler had a number of his generals killed, in fear of them revealing his secret. We shall never know for sure but allow me to say this: he liked painting.

ALEXANDER THE GREAT

Killed: Thousands whilst destroying the Persian Empire mainly because he didn’t like their rugs.

Alexander’s name has been clumsily translated. In fact, he called himself Alexander the Fabulous! There are many portraits of him, made in his lifetime and oh my goodness he was hooooot! It’s literally the only time I’ve ever wanted to lick a bust. His lover was his boyhood schoolfriend, Hephaestion. As with any pupil at Eton, their deep physical bond lasted a lifetime and when Alexander died at the tender age of 32, Hephastion was told by the family that he wasn’t welcome and he was stopped from placing the penis-shaped wreath on the funeral chariot.

RICHARD III

Killed: Henry Stafford, The Princes in the Tower. (Oh he SO did it!)  

It is thought that the recently exhumed crookback, Richard III was a big woofter. Accounts from those who met him describe him as being feminine and, upon his death, some hilarious soul decided to poke a dagger up his bottom. Neither fact conclusively tells us that he was gay but when I saw the skeleton being lifted from the car park, my gaydar went bonkers. I have a knack for sensing the homosexual tendencies of the deceased. When I walk through a graveyard my manhood waves around like a dowsing rod. Furthermore, the well-known historian Dr David Starkey and I have been carrying out our own research into England’s last Plantagenet monarch and we discovered a long-forgotten account of the Battle of Bosworth Field. Here it is:

King Richard III did arrive at the field fashionably late for our most terrible battle. He apologised and blamed his tardiness on having misplaced his brooch. On the commencement of the fighting, the King thundered into the melee, bellowing in most manly voice, “We fight for God! Chase me! Chase me!”

To listen to Andy West read his column - with accents - click here.

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