Party longer with Mike Brown on the London Funderground: The Tube to stay open until 2am at the weekend

If only the change could come sooner than 2015

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What is the worst feeling in the world?

I’ll tell you. It’s standing outside Camden Tube Station at 1 o’clock in the morning in the pouring rain, filled with fast-percolating lager-wee, surrounded by squealing girls and hollering troglodytes as a drone in an orange jacket shuts the iron gates to the barriers and condemns you to a long, wet, miserable stagger home. Fried chicken will be eaten. An ankle will be sprained. A number of walls and trees will be watered.

Those who are less fortunate will have to ride a night bus. I would rather ride the zombie-womble, John McCririck.

But now, Transport for London has announced something utterly brilliant! The tube will run until at least 2am on Fridays and Saturdays from 2015! I cannot tell you how exciting this is. People will be able to stay an extra hour at house parties and throw their shapes for even longer at clubs.

It seems to have been the brainchild of Transport for London’s Mike Brown. Well Mike Brown…you may have the world’s dullest name but I still want to grab your cheeky chubby cheeks and tongue you on the Circle Line. Mike says he wants to let people have more fun and to boost the night economy. Mike! Where the bloody hell have you been all my life? He must be the best guy in the pub. I reckon there’s a lock-in wherever he goes. He’s the personification of Rio de Janeiro.

Bad news, mind, if you are dumb enough to live on the Piccadilly Line. That will not be getting the extended service…I assume because the donkeys pulling the trains have to get some sleep.

But for most of us Londoners, this is the best news since the Boris bikes allowed us to do a literal fart on Barclays.

Of course, this is fantastic news for pubs and clubs and it’ll allow young women to make their way home safely at night.

But wait…Bob Crowe is circling! Might the unions oppose longer working hours or changed shifts? Would they risk making themselves the biggest party poopers in history? The threatened strikes ahead of the Olympics prove they are a complete and utter bunch of total sincere professionals concerned about passenger safety. So quite possibly.

But wait. The king of rock and rolling stock, Mike Brown, is thrusting along the tunnel with a juddering battle-cry:

“Why would any union have any problems with extra jobs?” He squeals as he thunders along the Party Central line. “We would negotiate pay for extra hours as a permanent fixture but I’m sure they would welcome the prospect of earning some more money.”

That man is like Ronnie Wood with an Osyter Card. Get in there!

Admittedly, we are suffering minor delays here: Le Metro de Paris already runs until 1.40am at weekends und der U-Bahn in Berlin runs all night. New York has the underground system that never sleeps…sort of. So it’s about time the world’s oldest tube (not including Bruce Forsyth) gets with the programme 150 years after it first trundled beneath the cobbles.

The only downside I can think of is that I’ll be tempted to spend more money. An extra hour of drinks will probably equate to, what? Another £20 on alcoholic liquids. Then you’ve got the tube journey from Zone 1 to Zone 2, which costs £2.40. Let me do the maths. One moment…just a sec…that is…£22.40 extra for my night of debauchery! Oh my goodness! I suspect a secret flask of Lambrini might be necessary.

No matter. Another hour of dancing. Another hour of singing. Another hour of eating. Another hour of kissing and smoking and arguing. Thank you Mike Brown. Forget Nelson…I want to give YOU a column.

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