‘Pierce Blue Eyes’ is, no doubt, the working title for the film that Wendy Deng plans to make about her friendship with Tony Blair

No one could argue about the peachy skin, let alone the manly beauty of his legs


Of all the untold thousands of words published in this weekend’s papers, the lucky 13 that leapt most violently from the page came in an Observer profile of Wendi Deng.

“An old schoolfriend recalls,” ran a passage concerning the third Mrs Murdoch’s ferocious work ethic as a schoolgirl in China, “that Deng would be up at 3am studying English …” Time well spent.

And so to a brief résumé of the email literature in which this gifted linguist dwelt on her passion for Mr Tony Blair. “Oh, shit, oh, shit,” began the one best designed to delight Lynne Truss. “Whatever why I’m so missing Tony … He has such good body and he has really really good legs, butt … and he is slim tall and good skin. Pierce blue eyes which I love …”

While no one could argue about the peachy skin, let alone the manly beauty of his legs, grammarians are split as to whether the “butt” referred to the Middle East peace-bringer’s pert bottom, or was a misspelt and misplaced “but”. As for “pierce blue eyes”, although widely interpreted as  praise for his azure mince pies, a rival theory posits that this was a subtle filmic reference.

You will remember Mickey Blue Eyes, the comedy produced by Bill Clinton’s non-lover Liz Hurley in which her then gentleman caller Hugh Grant was cast viciously against type as a charmingly diffident English toff drawn by romance into the New York mafia. In this light, “Pierce Blue Eyes” may be seen as the working title for the movie Wendi plans to make about this relationship, starring Pierce Brosnan as Mr T.

The actor also has gorgeous blue eyes, and played a version of Blair in the film of Robert Harris’s novella The Ghost. In that case, Lucy Liu is hereby placed on alert for the Deng role.

In the unhappy circs, it seems a long shot that Rupert’s 20th Century Fox would want to make it. But if another studio could be tempted, I would  queue in the driving rain to see it on the giant screen, and suspect you would too.

No evidence of a double testectomy so far

While doubt remains as to whether there is truth to the rumours that the two were lovers, personally I am sceptical.

This is due less to Mr Tony’s categorical insistence to the contrary – a currency slightly devalued, the cynics and sneerers feel, since Iraq – and more to the Daily Mail revelation that Cherie vowed to “cut off his balls” if he ever strayed from the marital bed.

So far there is no evidence of a double testectomy. If his hair stops falling out and he joins a choir as a counter-tenor, the matter will have to be revisited.

Until then, whatever Rupert may believe, Mr T’s apparently full gonadic complement wins him the benefit of the doubt.

Not to be confused with the imaginary brewery heiress

As for his successor in No 10, it was a shock to find Gordon Brown appearing in Saturday’s Independent, however tangentially, in a cinematic context. Our report concerned the threat of legal action by the makers of The Wolf of Wall Street against Clare Rewcastle Brown, sister-in-law of the former PM and absentee member for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, who accuses them of funding the movie with corrupt Malaysian government money. Before a dyslexic laywer issues a writ against the wrong defendant, we wish to make it clear that she is a Malay-born journalist, formerly with the BBC World Service, and not to be confused with the imaginary brewery heiress Clare Newcastle Brown.

With Nazi-themed fun, timing is essential

A fortnight after adding him to the Most Hyper-Cerebral Backbench MP short list, you will appreciate my bemusement on finding Gerald Howarth dismissed elsewhere as a touch dim. The Tory former Defence Minister’s latest Ciceronian foray finds him attacking the reporters who exposed fellow Tory Aidan Burley’s attendance at a Nazi-themed stag do as “utterly disreputable”.

He added that we’ve all engaged in “hi-jinx” of the kind, and this is certainly true. I dressed as Himmler for a bash once, though with Nazi-themed merriment, timing is crucial, and with hindsight my own bar mitzvah party was possibly a poor choice of venue. Gerald further describes Burley, who has chivalrously decided not to stand again in 2015, as the victim of “a disgraceful witch hunt”, and so say all of us to that. Well, not quite all. Writing The Sun on Sunday, Tony Parsons dismisses Gerald as a “silly old booby”.

This is the sort of impertinence about a revered intellect up with which this column will not put, and unless Mr Parsons withdraws the slur and apologises, reprisals will be taken. Resistance is futile.

Come on chaps, show some emotion

However much one expects rigorous professional detachment from the BBC, I  was distressed by the lack of jingoistic fervour in its coverage of Jenny Jones’ efforts in Sochi yesterday. 

“I can’t look,” said a male voice as she began her second snowboarding run. “I feel sick,” chipped in a female colleague. “I can feel my pulse in my lower intestine,” added the chap.

Even Jenny’s snaffling of the bronze (the first British medal ever won on snow) couldn’t melt the glacial neutrality. Both commentators wept, while in the studio the splendid Hazel Irvine brandished a sodden Kleenex at the camera.

“This,” she declared, inexplicably downplaying the medal’s epochal significance, “is one of the greatest moments ever witnessed.” Next time, show a little emotion, eh? Even at the Winter Olympics, no one loves a human iceberg.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Project Implementation Executive

£18000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

Recruitment Genius: Chiropractic Assistant

£16500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Chiropractic Assistant is needed in a ...

Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Executive - Midlands

£18000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides coaching ...

Day In a Page

Read Next

Errors & Omissions: how to spell BBQ and other linguistic irregularities

Guy Keleny

South Africa's race problem is less between black and white than between poor blacks and immigrants from sub-Saharan Africa

John Carlin
NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

The wars that come back to haunt us

David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders
Heston Blumenthal to cook up a spice odyssey for British astronaut manning the International Space Station

UK's Major Tum to blast off on a spice odyssey

Nothing but the best for British astronaut as chef Heston Blumenthal cooks up his rations
John Harrison's 'longitude' clock sets new record - 300 years on

‘Longitude’ clock sets new record - 300 years on

Greenwich horologists celebrate as it keeps to within a second of real time over a 100-day test
Fears in the US of being outgunned in the vital propaganda wars by Russia, China - and even Isis - have prompted a rethink on overseas broadcasters

Let the propaganda wars begin - again

'Accurate, objective, comprehensive': that was Voice of America's creed, but now its masters want it to promote US policy, reports Rupert Cornwell
Why Japan's incredible long-distance runners will never win the London Marathon

Japan's incredible long-distance runners

Every year, Japanese long-distance runners post some of the world's fastest times – yet, come next weekend, not a single elite competitor from the country will be at the London Marathon
Why does Tom Drury remain the greatest writer you've never heard of?

Tom Drury: The quiet American

His debut was considered one of the finest novels of the past 50 years, and he is every bit the equal of his contemporaries, Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers and David Foster Wallace
You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

Dave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
Beige is back: The drab car colours of the 1970s are proving popular again

Beige to the future

Flares and flounce are back on catwalks but a revival in ’70s car paintjobs was a stack-heeled step too far – until now
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's dishes highlight the delicate essence of fresh cheeses

Bill Granger cooks with fresh cheeses

More delicate on the palate, milder, fresh cheeses can also be kinder to the waistline
Aston Villa vs Liverpool: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful,' says veteran Shay Given

Shay Given: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful'

The Villa keeper has been overlooked for a long time and has unhappy memories of the national stadium – but he is savouring his chance to play at Wembley
Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own - Michael Calvin

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own