Please don't tell me what you're up to on Facebook. Nobody cares - not me, your mum, or anybody else

Who exactly benefits from these personal notifications? Me? Hell no.

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We all like a bit of recognition for hard work.

Like raising money for charity – that’s great. Everyone should know about that. Or, finally getting the job you deserve after years and years climbing the poo-stained ranks. I can understand why people feel the urge to get up on a rooftop and announce that sort of achievement to the world, digitally or other.

I’ll add to that list, engagements. Even the most embittered humans alive feel their heart flutter a bit when ‘I SAID YES!’ appears on their news-feed.

But, broadcasting to everyone on Facebook, VIA A RUNNING APP, how many KMs you've run today? No.

Who’s benefiting from this notification? Me? Hell no. I’m eating a mars bar too quickly and dribbling on my own legs. Is it entertaining? Not under any given circumstance. Is it putting anything back into the community? Will it contribute in a positive way to anyone’s life? No. Not even yours.

It is only going to make people hate you because you can’t go for a run without telling people you’re going for a run. You needy idiot.

So you ran 5k! Come back to me when you’ve done 1000k.

In my opinion, publishing personal records for distance, calories burned, and uphill climb is the most abrasive show of netiquette this world will ever know, beating anything I’ve seen on Instagram. And I follow Mutya from Sugababes.

I hate it so much I could bash myself over the head with a plate. I just don’t understand this lack of self-awareness. And you know what makes it doubly worse? People I like do this.

Imagining my peers in that moment, deciding to link their running app to Facebook and Twitter makes my bum wink. It’s up there with letting people know what songs you’re listening to on Spotify which is also heinous.

Nobody, not even your parents, cares what songs you’re listening to on Spotify. Unless, of course, you are an authority on good music in which case you’re likely to have a blog or a music column people can follow. And even then, people probably think you’re a bit of a dick.

Some say – ‘Oh blimey, I didn’t realise my Spotify was connected to Facebook. Thanks for telling me. Everyone probably knows I listen to Jamiraquai, Space Cowboy all the time now, whoopsie!’

Yeah, got it. Over and out. Loud and clear mate.

I’ll end by saying this.

Facebook is not the platform to let people know what you are up to right this second. Especially if it’s something as banal as running, listening to music or playing Candy Crush. Do you want to know how hard my stools are? It is the same.

*thinks*

Yeah, it’s the same.

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