Sarah Brightman, alien life-forms and why, in space, no one should have to hear you scream

Can it really be sensible to send a star of Starship Trooper beyond the Earth's atmosphere? Our writer has his doubts - and expresses three of them

Share
Related Topics

I would like to congratulate my long-time friend Sarah Brightman on the thrilling announcement that she is to become the eighth person to visit the International Space Station as a tourist. I would like to, but I genuinely can’t, for two very pertinent reasons. The first is that I have never met the woman. Secondly, although my desire for sexual equality in all things extends way beyond the asteroid belt, I have one or two reservations about this particular daughter of Eve climbing into a silver jumpsuit.

Firstly, can she really afford it? You would have to assume that she will be obliged to match the sum paid by Cirque du Soleil boss Guy Laliberte, who coughed up a $35m hairball for the privilege of floating in a tin can, far above the world. Can the woman who stormed the charts with choirboy Paul Miles-Kingston on a song called Pie Jesu (which, after all, means “Jesus pie”) really be as wealthy as the Guy who invented hanging upside down in a lizard suit?

But, having checked my sources, I see Sarah is in possession of a personal fortune of some $49m. If she does indeed splurge $35m on this astral jaunt, she will only be left with some $14m. This is not much and might leave her short. So short, indeed, that she would be forced to lead (drag!) poor, sightless Andrea Bocelli onto more stages to perform heartbreaking duets. And knowing Andrea as I do (again, I really don’t), this is the furthest thing from his mind. He’s currently working on a musical version of Come Dine With Me for the London stage. Way too busy.

Secondly, this is a woman who had a disco smash hit in 1978 which glorified the fact that she had, and I quote, “lost my heart to a starship trooper”. Is it really responsible for the International Space Station Astro-Leisure committee (yeah, it exists) to be putting a woman into orbit who is happy to admit to being a sucker for alien life-forms? Whether or not they actually have suckers? I’m not sure I feel happy with the cosmic representative of my race being someone who apparently drops her knickers quite avidly after a couple of sips of Romulan ale. We’re supposed to be offering extra-terrestrials the hand of friendship, not heavy petting. Anyway, dry humps are out. It being a weightless environment, you can’t get any purchase.

Finally, there is the fact that the award-winning soprano wants to become the first professional musician to perform in space. Is this wise? Spacecraft are delicate things. You could have punched a hole in Neil Armstrong’s lunar module, you know! One can only imagine the worldwide panic if Sarah’s hellish vibrato ripped a gash in the ISS superstructure, causing the mission to be interrupted by an Apollo 13-style accident. I have this horrible vision of the station drifting away from Earth, upside down, with Sarah’s face framed in the porthole, uttering a soundless shriek, as she heads towards Tatooine.

Actually, that sounds pretty good. Maybe the next independentvoices.com campaign should be to raise cash to get Sarah in space sooner rather than later. I’ll chuck in a fiver to get you started…

Twitter: @DonaldAMacInnes

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Opilio Recruitment: QA Automation Engineer

£30k - 38k per year + Benefits: Opilio Recruitment: An award-winning consume...

Opilio Recruitment: UX & Design Specialist

£40k - 45k per year + Benefits: Opilio Recruitment: A fantastic opportunity ...

Opilio Recruitment: Publishing Application Support Analyst

£30k - 35k per year + Benefits: Opilio Recruitment: We’re currently re...

Opilio Recruitment: Digital Marketing Manager

£35k - 45k per year + benefits: Opilio Recruitment: A fantastic opportunity ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
A Pokot woman holds a razor blade after performing a circumcision on four girls  

The campaigns to end FGM are a welcomed step, but they don't go far enough

Charlotte Rachael Proudman
Our political system is fragmented, with disillusioned voters looking to the margins for satisfaction  

Politics of hope needed to avert flight to margins

Liam Fox
Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: ‘We give them hope. They come to us when no one else can help’

Christmas Appeal

Meet the charity giving homeless veterans hope – and who they turn to when no one else can help
Should doctors and patients learn to plan humane, happier endings rather than trying to prolong life?

Is it always right to try to prolong life?

Most of us would prefer to die in our own beds, with our families beside us. But, as a GP, Margaret McCartney sees too many end their days in a medicalised battle
Thomas Cook's outgoing boss Harriet Green got by on four hours sleep a night - is that what it takes for women to get to the top?

What does it take for women to get to the top?

Thomas Cook's outgoing boss Harriet Green got by on four hours sleep a night and told women they had to do more if they wanted to get on
Christmas jumper craze: Inside the UK factory behind this year's multicultural must-have

Knitting pretty: British Christmas Jumpers

Simmy Richman visits Jack Masters, the company behind this year's multicultural must-have
French chefs have launched a campaign to end violence in kitchens - should British restaurants follow suit?

French chefs campaign against bullying

A group of top chefs signed a manifesto against violence in kitchens following the sacking of a chef at a Paris restaurant for scalding his kitchen assistant with a white-hot spoon
Radio 4 to broadcast 10-hour War and Peace on New Year's Day as Controller warns of cuts

Just what you need on a New Year hangover...

Radio 4 to broadcast 10-hour adaptation of War and Peace on first day of 2015
Cuba set to stage its first US musical in 50 years

Cuba to stage first US musical in 50 years

Claire Allfree finds out if the new production of Rent will hit the right note in Havana
Christmas 2014: 10 best educational toys

Learn and play: 10 best educational toys

Of course you want them to have fun, but even better if they can learn at the same time
Paul Scholes column: I like Brendan Rodgers as a manager but Liverpool seem to be going backwards not forwards this season

Paul Scholes column

I like Brendan Rodgers as a manager but Liverpool seem to be going backwards not forwards this season
Lewis Moody column: Stuart Lancaster has made all the right calls – now England must deliver

Lewis Moody: Lancaster has made all the right calls – now England must deliver

So what must the red-rose do differently? They have to take the points on offer 
Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

It's in all our interests to look after servicemen and women who fall on hard times, say party leaders
Millionaire Sol Campbell wades into wealthy backlash against Labour's mansion tax

Sol Campbell cries foul at Labour's mansion tax

The former England defender joins Myleene Klass, Griff Rhys Jones and Melvyn Bragg in criticising proposals
Nicolas Sarkozy returns: The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?

Sarkozy returns

The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?
Is the criticism of Ed Miliband a coded form of anti-Semitism?

Is the criticism of Miliband anti-Semitic?

Attacks on the Labour leader have coalesced around a sense that he is different, weird, a man apart. But is the criticism more sinister?
Ouija boards are the must-have gift this Christmas, fuelled by a schlock horror film

Ouija boards are the must-have festive gift

Simon Usborne explores the appeal - and mysteries - of a century-old parlour game