Tales from the Water Cooler: An Emperor for the Creme Egg heads

The dunces of this world need an orator to stand up for them

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The Independent Online

This, thankfully, is not the kind of paper which sniggers at, and rejects, the thick. By and large, any person who, like Pooh, would be described as being “a bear of very little brain” is absolutely fine by us. One need only glance around our newsroom to confirm this.

However, this week’s revelation that a woman dialled 999 because there was a spider in her bed made me realise that there is a whole different level of stupid right outside your window. There really are many people among us who, if they get any more dense, are going to have to start wearing some sort of helmet, because – in all honesty – negotiating doors and stairs is not easy when your brain is the size of a Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Handily, I have a solution to the problem. Our only challenge is delivering the message. No matter how many times the fire brigade tells folk to stop using 999 for frivolous reasons, they keep doing it. Won’t listen. Maybe it’s time one of their own spoke to them. It would need to be someone respected; in a position of power. An emperor, perhaps, for this confederacy of dunces. But who on Earth is up to the job? Off the top of my head, a perfect candidate would seem to be Zippy from Rainbow. He reeks of authority and is a sensational orator. I, for one, would wish him all the best.