The most boring Brit Awards in history

From Alex Turner forgetting what rock ‘n’ roll means, to anything-but-priceless jokes, last night's awards show was entirely forgettable

Share

I find it hard to remember much of what happened during the Brit Awards last night, such was the cloud of monotony that settled on my brain immediately after Arctic Monkeys’ lacklustre opening performance, and refused to budge for the remainder of the evening.

In fact, it gathered and grew and became so large that I sat staring into space for a good 20 minutes after it was all over. I was genuinely questioning where my career was heading if watching two meaningless hours of shameless self-promotion is considered ‘part of the job’. And that was down to a number of reasons.

Firstly, it was presented by James Corden - a man so bafflingly unfunny, he makes a gay night with Vladimir Putin seem like a hilarious alternative. Watching him bound around like an oversized Andrex puppy, sycophantically screeching “One word: Wow!” after every predictable performance, and attempting to shove his tongue down as many famous throats as possible, was irritating to the extreme.

Secondly, there were the ‘Priceless’ MasterCard jokes. As if, in some freak memory-wiping incident (entirely possible after that Artic Monkeys’ opening performance), everyone had forgotten that a) they worked in pop music and b) it was an awards show. Shock of all shocks, there might be a few commercial sponsors involved. And slamming corporate companies in a weird pseudo-punk attempt at anti-capitalism by saying their biggest advertising slogan live on air is about as stupid as you can get.

Thirdly, the winners. When will it become less obvious that awards are dished out in a vain attempt to get famous people to show up? Nice try with Bowie. Have Noel Gallagher, Kate Moss and an inflammatory reference to the debate on Scottish Independence instead.

Fourthly, that Beyoncé show. Dress was nice, love, but seriously? Why do the Grammys get a thong-flashing extravangza featuring Jay Z and we get five minutes of warbling tedium and a few random columns of light?

 

And then there was the Arctic Monkeys Album of the Year speech. We get the message. You’ve sold loads of records, people still like guitars, and you’re the living, breathing example of a band surviving against the odds in a Cowell-controlled music industry down-turn. But was the most rock ‘n’ roll thing you could think of doing, Mr Turner, really dropping a microphone on the floor? And do you also realise that YOU’RE AT THE BRITS? Surely the least rock ‘n’ roll place to be in the history of rock ‘n’ roll?

I’ll conclude this rant by adding that the most exciting – and indeed most tweeted about – event of the evening was that fact that someone really awesome didn’t actually play. Many endured the entire two-hour length of the show only to be bitterly disappointed by a lack of live Prince action after he gave the British Female Solo Artist award to Ellie Goulding at the start… And then disappeared. One can only suspect that he, too, had failed to recover from what was surely the most turgid and uneventful Brit Awards in the show’s 37-year history.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Vehicle Technician

£20000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This long established dealer gr...

Recruitment Genius: Contact Centre Team Manager

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The Company is the UK's leading...

Recruitment Genius: Shunter / HGV Driver

£23172 per annum: Recruitment Genius: One of the leading and fastest growing h...

Recruitment Genius: Property Manager / Estate Manager

£25000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you an experienced Resident...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: Greek Yes voters were so shy they didn’t even turn up to the polling stations

John Rentoul
epa04832814 Supporters of the 'No' campaign wave flags and react after the first results of the referendum at Syntagma Square, in Athens, Greece, 05 July 2015. Greek voters in the referendum were asked whether the country should accept reform proposals made by its creditors. 10367444  

Greek referendum: As Greece spirals towards disaster, a new era of extremist politics begins

Daphne Halikiopoulou
Greece says 'No': A night of huge celebrations in Athens as voters decisively back Tsipras and his anti-austerity stance in historic referendum

Greece referendum

Greeks say 'No' to austerity and plunge Europe into crisis
Ten years after the 7/7 terror attacks, is Britain an altered state?

7/7 bombings anniversary

Ten years after the terror attacks, is Britain an altered state?
Beautiful evening dresses are some of the loveliest Donatella has created

Versace haute couture review

Beautiful evening dresses are some of the loveliest Donatella has ever created
No hope and no jobs, so Gaza's young risk their lives, climb the fence and run for it

No hope and no jobs in Gaza

So the young risk their lives and run for it
Fashion apps: Retailers roll together shopping and social networking for mobile customers

Fashion apps

Retailers roll together shopping and social networking for mobile customers
The Greek referendum exposes a gaping hole at the heart of the European Union – its distinct lack of any genuine popular legitimacy

Gaping hole at the heart of the European Union

Treatment of Greece has shown up a lack of genuine legitimacy
Number of young homeless in Britain 'more than three times the official figures'

'Everything changed when I went to the hostel'

Number of young homeless people in Britain is 'more than three times the official figures'
Compton Cricket Club

Compton Cricket Club

Portraits of LA cricketers from notorious suburb to be displayed in London
London now the global money-laundering centre for the drug trade, says crime expert

Wlecome to London, drug money-laundering centre for the world

'Mexico is its heart and London is its head'
The Buddhist temple minutes from Centre Court that helps a winner keep on winning

The Buddhist temple minutes from Centre Court

It helps a winner keep on winning
Is this the future of flying: battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks?

Is this the future of flying?

Battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks
Isis are barbarians – but the Caliphate is a dream at the heart of all Muslim traditions

Isis are barbarians

but the Caliphate is an ancient Muslim ideal
The Brink's-Mat curse strikes again: three tons of stolen gold that brought only grief

Curse of Brink's Mat strikes again

Death of John 'Goldfinger' Palmer the latest killing related to 1983 heist
Greece debt crisis: 'The ministers talk to us about miracles' – why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum

'The ministers talk to us about miracles'

Why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum
Call of the wild: How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate

Call of the wild

How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate