The royal nuts have given me a few ideas

 

Share

I bet that the Queen is kicking herself on hearing that the law against “being an incorrigible rogue” has been removed from the statute book just as rumours emerged about naughty footmen pinching her nuts.

The allegations about the royal snacks emerged during the News of the World phone-hacking trial. The judge, Mr Justice Saunders, was quick to point out that they are “unproven”, but nutgate will doubtless pass swiftly into British mythology by virtue of being so charming. Rumour had it that royal protection officers were secretly nibbling from bowls of cashews and Bombay mix left around Buckingham Palace for the Queen, to the point that the Queen would mark levels on the bowls to try to catch them out. Is this true, or was the News of the World accidentally hacking into an as yet unpublished Alan Bennett play?

Any copper who would steal the Queen’s Bombay mix is undoubtedly an incorrigible rogue but, fortunately for them, this is no longer an offence, having been purged from the 1824 Vagrancy Act in an attempt to “tidy up the statute books”. This is the statute book that doesn’t really say that it is treason to deface a stamp and punishable by hanging, or that you can legally graze your sheep on Tooting Common, but nonetheless these apocryphal laws appeal to our sense of being cutely British.

What we really need, though, are some laws against the incorrigible roguery of the 21st century. In the week that the Everyday Sexism Project received its 50,000th report of tedious, relentless, drip-drip-effect sexism, we could use a law against leaning out of a white van to shout barely coherent claptrap at passing women, punishable by an hour in a cell with Jeremy Clarkson. (And I’ll stop being white van-ist when it stops being always a white van.)

There should be a law against Christmas songs in shops before 1 December, and another law about complaining about them after. We definitely need a law against any more Hobbit films, and a law limiting the amount of football that can be shown on TV in any given 24-hour period. (And any channel showing more minutes of old men chatting about what might happen in the football that is about to occur than actual football going on should be forced to put all those old men in the stocks.)

As a book reviewer, I’d like to see a law against beginning any Amazon review with the words “I haven’t read this, but …” and instant fines for publishers who call any book “the next Fifty Shades of Grey”. There should be laws against smug Facebook updates and self-promoting tweets. I’ve always believed that any person who has ever been a member of the Bullingdon Club should be automatically excluded by law from ever attaining public office. And while we’re about it, let’s just make a law against Boris Johnson.

Having thought about it, all of these offences still fall under the general heading of “being an incorrigible rogue”. Quick, the Queen, intervene and reintroduce it. Britain needs this law now!

twitter.com/@katyguest36912

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Argyll Scott International: Senior Business Analyst- Insurance

Negotiable: Argyll Scott International: Senior Business Analyst - Insurance ...

Recruitment Genius: Property Manager

£25000 - £29000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This independent, growing Sales...

Recruitment Genius: Graphic Designer

£16000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Multi-skilled graphic designer ...

Austen Lloyd: Court of Protection Solicitor

£30000 - £50000 per annum + EXCELLENT: Austen Lloyd: Court of Protection Solic...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: The demise of a Sixties monster

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
A CCTV camera is seen in front of a large poster opposite in central London  

Home Office is creating more powers to turn everyone into suspects – but leave us no safer

Shami Chakrabarti
Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

Cameron, Miliband and Clegg join forces for Homeless Veterans campaign

It's in all our interests to look after servicemen and women who fall on hard times, say party leaders
Millionaire Sol Campbell wades into wealthy backlash against Labour's mansion tax

Sol Campbell cries foul at Labour's mansion tax

The former England defender joins Myleene Klass, Griff Rhys Jones and Melvyn Bragg in criticising proposals
Nicolas Sarkozy returns: The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?

Sarkozy returns

The ex-President is preparing to fight for the leadership of France's main opposition party – but will he win big enough?
Is the criticism of Ed Miliband a coded form of anti-Semitism?

Is the criticism of Miliband anti-Semitic?

Attacks on the Labour leader have coalesced around a sense that he is different, weird, a man apart. But is the criticism more sinister?
Ouija boards are the must-have gift this Christmas, fuelled by a schlock horror film

Ouija boards are the must-have festive gift

Simon Usborne explores the appeal - and mysteries - of a century-old parlour game
There's a Good Girl exhibition: How female creatives are changing the way women are portrayed in advertising

In pictures: There's a Good Girl exhibition

The new exhibition reveals how female creatives are changing the way women are portrayed in advertising
UK firm Biscuiteers is giving cookies a makeover - from advent calendars to doll's houses

UK firm Biscuiteers is giving cookies a makeover

It worked with cupcakes, doughnuts and macarons so no wonder someone decided to revamp the humble biscuit
Can SkySaga capture the Minecraft magic?

Can SkySaga capture the Minecraft magic?

It's no surprise that the building game born in Sweden in 2009 and now played by millions, has imitators keen to construct their own mega money-spinner
The King's School is way ahead of the pack when it comes to using the latest classroom technology

Staying connected: The King's School

The school in Cambridgeshire is ahead of the pack when it comes to using the latest classroom technology. Richard Garner discovers how teachers and pupils stay connected
Christmas 2014: 23 best women's perfumes

Festively fragrant: the best women's perfumes

Give a loved one a luxe fragrance this year or treat yourself to a sensual pick-me-up
Arsenal vs Borussia Dortmund: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain celebrates century with trademark display of speed and intuition

Arsenal vs Borussia Dortmund

The Ox celebrates century with trademark display of speed and intuition
Billy Joe Saunders vs Chris Eubank Jnr: When two worlds collide

When two worlds collide

Traveller Billy Joe Saunders did not have a pampered public-school upbringing - unlike Saturday’s opponent Chris Eubank Jnr
Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: Drifting and forgotten - turning lives around for ex-soldiers

Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: Turning lives around for ex-soldiers

Our partner charities help veterans on the brink – and get them back on their feet
Putin’s far-right ambition: Think-tank reveals how Russian President is wooing – and funding – populist parties across Europe to gain influence in the EU

Putin’s far-right ambition

Think-tank reveals how Russian President is wooing – and funding – populist parties across Europe to gain influence in the EU
Tove Jansson's Moominland: What was the inspiration for Finland's most famous family?

Escape to Moominland

What was the inspiration for Finland's most famous family?