Why I think Father Christmas is a bastard:
1. He gave me an illuminated globe for Christmas when I was 11. Who gives an 11-year-old boy an illuminated globe? Why did I get that while Adam - who was a really nasty piece of work - got Reebok trainers and a Sega Mega Drive?
2. He always drank the sherry we left and scoffed the mince pie but he left his reindeer starving. I know this because we left a carrot and it was only ever nibbled. Why do the reindeer - who have to pull the selfish bastard - only get a tiny bit of carrot?
3. He gives amazing presents to rich kids and bugger all to the poor ones! George Osborne, it’s Christmas Eve… what are you doing with that sleigh? And why are you wearing a beard?
4. He allows stupid people to bore me every year with the “fact” that Coca-Cola made him red and white when this is known to be complete rubbish. He was always red because that is the colour of ecclesiastical robes and he began his miserable life as the Bishop of Myra and he doesn’t even drink Coke, he drinks sherry.
5. He enters your house by the chimney when he could magic his way through the front door. If you invited me round for dinner and I came down your chimney you’d be annoyed, too.
6. He has lots of different names. Who is he, Prince? Father Christmas. You are not my father, my father’s called Dave! Saint Nicholas. Saint? ILLUMINATED GLOBE. 11-YEAR-OLD BOY.
7. He drinks and drives. See the sherry reference (2). He visits 303 million houses on Christmas night. Let’s assume 1 in 3 of them offers a tipple. That’s 101 million sherries. Or 2 million litres of 22 per cent strength fortified wine.
8. He has a naughty list. Who made him the god of good behaviour? He whips reindeer! I suspect animal rights activists would give Mr C a big fat lump of coal.
9. He makes everyone’s presents in his slave labour camp in Lapland. Have you ever seen an elf in Nandos? Nope. They’re all locked inside some underground sweatshop making Nintendos and iPads.
10. Someone saw their mummy kissing Santa Claus. Well, I shan’t be crude but in 1996 I saw him doing much worse next door.