Tweedledum is sexier than Tweedledee...

Sophie Heawood owns up to being spurned by a famous double act

Share
Related Topics

I feel like a student of Descartes, struggling with the duality of the mind and body. Or like a 17th century reader of John Locke, trying to understand his proposed separation of church from state. For a survey has shown that most British women would rather sleep with Dec than Ant.

Yes, asked to choose one of the telly presenting pair called Ant and Dec, they appeared far more ready to rumble with the latter than with the former. Well over 70 per cent of them, in fact, one woman apparently imagining Mr Declan Donnelly, 37, to be "like a tiger in the bedroom".

This is a deeply disturbing idea. And here's why. Firstly, are these women quite sure they picked the right one? This is how you know which is which – Ant and Dec always stand in order. Alphabetical order, in fact.

So as you look at them, Ant is on the left and Dec is on the right, which means Ant is the taller darker one, and Dec the shorter, stouter one, with the permanently pleased expression of a man who has just caught a moderately sized trout.

While Ant is the wilder card – his limbs rove, his eyelashes sparkle, and he looks, overall, like the sort of man who could drive a couple of extra laps round the B&Q car park just for the sheer hell of it.

And yet it is Dec who has been called the tiger – a wild beast in bed! I mean come on, a cuddly koala or a ruffed lemur at best. But not a stripy Bengal bad boy. She must have meant the other one.

Secondly, how can you even think about separating them anyway? You don't want to imagine one of Statler and Waldorf, those grumps who watch the Muppets from a box in the audience, going to heckle on their own. You'd fear one of them had carked it in the night. And, much as I love Joanna Lumley, I struggled for a long time to see Jennifer Saunders doubled up with her in Ab Fab, because she wasn't Dawn French. As for the thought of having sex with either Morecambe or Wise – it's not something I wish to dwell on for longer than is professionally necessary.

Divorce is a hard reality that we must deal with in our real lives, whether we want to or not. But telly – telly! These couples should stay married for life. To each other. Please.

When the double act originated, the second guy would stand in a different part of the venue and repeat the first guy's jokes. This was back when music hall comedy venues were so big and full of chatter, that half the room wouldn't be able to hear the person on stage. But when somebody invented microphones, the two performers were united and the true double act began. Now, they need each other. They can't be cast apart.

Anyway, my third and final problem is that Ant and Dec are not sexual beings. I know this because I tried it on with them once, and failed, which proves my case for ever. Don't tell me that Ant has been married for 15 years. Don't remind me that Dec is rumoured to be dating one of the Pussycat Dolls. (As if!) No. I can't hear you.

If they were sexual beings at all, they would have responded that time they walked into an east London bar and saw me playing pool, sticking my bum out a little more than necessary as I clocked the celebrity incomers and shot that cue along. They did cast a glance in my direction, but not for long.

(Perhaps they wondered who was that woman falling on to the pool table, half cut and about to pot the black with her elbow. It's hard to know for sure.)

But neither of them took me home. Tigers – my arse. Pussycat Dolls – I won't hear of it. These men are simply a pair of pussycats.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Senior QA Engineer - Agile, SCRUM

£35000 - £50000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: Senior QA Engineer (Agil...

Marketing Executive - West Midlands - £28,000

£26000 - £28000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Digital Marketing Executive (SEO, PP...

Retail Business Analyst

£40000 - £50000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our retail client ...

Senior C++ Developer

£400 - £450 Per Annum possibly more for the right candidate: Clearwater People...

Day In a Page

Read Next
David Cameron addresses No campagn supporters in Aberdeen  

Scottish independence: Cameron faces a choice between destroying his country or his party

Matthew Norman
Fighters from Islamic State group sit on their tank during a parade in Raqqa, Syria  

Islamic State: Assad lures Obama into his web

Robert Fisk
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week