Water, water, everywhere and no dignitary in sight

Share

It's my own fault I suppose. I wrote about my personal flooding history in last week's column only to wake up the following day and find that the basement in my new house was under a foot of water and rising.

It seemed to be coming up through the old stone floor. The local water table is full to the max and has clearly decided to use my farm as the prime location for its cunning escape plan.

My first thought was to ring the Department of the Environment and ask to be put through to Lord Smith. A hassled-sounding official informed me that this would not be possible so I left an angry message blaming the peer for my flooded basement.

I'm not sure what he could have done but blaming him seems to be the thing to do and I was eager to get on the bandwagon.

My next move was to contact the Dutch.

I rang the embassy in London and spoke to someone whose surname was rather gloriously Vanderpump. Mr Vanderpump seemed confused by my demands for his country to despatch their most powerful pump and a couple of engineers immediately.

His English, as with most Dutch people, was better than mine and he was very pleasant but it soon became clear that The Netherlands was never coming to my rescue.

I had to make do with a small pond pump from a local DIY store. It struggled to stem the tide but I now had bigger things to worry about. I knew that soon I would be flooded, not just with water but with welly-sporting politicians.

I trudged up to the upper field and painted a large H on a flat bit so that their helicopters could land and take off safely. Back in the flood zone I started rescuing my wine from my cellar and kept myself distracted by trying to guess the order in which they would arrive.

First would be Cameron (local MP) then Miliband, Clegg and finally, in an especially powerful Chinook, Eric Pickles. I was worried about Nigel Farage coming on to my property, as both my rabbits are Dutch. I put a photograph of him on my dogs' favourite chew toy and started preparing them for what to do in the event of him dropping in.

As it was, I needn't have worried. I have, so far, not had a single political visitor. I did get a tweet from the Gloucester Echo asking me if it was true that I was flooded. They are wary of carrying stories about me, since they ran with a headline that I had built a 30ft wicker man on Cleeve Hill above Cheltenham and would be burning Laurence Llewellyn Bowen in it on the Solstice.

I consoled myself with the belief I would at least get a royal sympathy visit. Prince Charles lives nearby. I rang St James's Palace to find out what he would like to eat and whether I could get a rough idea of what time he would arrive. I was told, rather curtly, that our future king was "busy".

After much discussion I was offered a consolation visit by Prince Andrew, the Duke of Golf for £200 cash.

I declined the offer.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

IT Teacher

£22000 - £33000 per annum: Randstad Education Leeds: ICT TeacherLeedsRandstad ...

Graduate C#.NET Developer (TDD, ASP.NET, SQL)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Graduate C#.NET Developer (TDD, ASP.NET, SQL) Su...

Junior SQL DBA (SQL Server 2012, T-SQL, SSIS) London - Finance

£30000 - £33000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Junior SQL DBA...

C# Web Developer (ASP.NET, JavaScript, MVC-4, HTML5) London

£35000 - £45000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# Web Develop...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The woman featured in the Better Together campaign's latest video  

Tea and no sympathy: The 'Better Together' campaign's mistake is to assume it knows how women think

Jane Merrick
On alert: Security cordons around Cardiff Castle ahead of this week’s Nato summit  

Ukraine crisis: Nato is at a crossroads. Where does it go from here?

Richard Shirreff
The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
The model of a gadget launch: Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed

The model for a gadget launch

Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed
Alice Roberts: She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

Alice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
Get well soon, Joan Rivers - an inspiration, whether she likes it or not

Get well soon, Joan Rivers

She is awful. But she's also wonderful, not in spite of but because of the fact she's forever saying appalling things, argues Ellen E Jones
Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

A fresh take on an old foe

Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

As the collections start, fashion editor Alexander Fury finds video and the internet are proving more attractive
Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy

Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall...

... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy
Weekend at the Asylum: Europe's biggest steampunk convention heads to Lincoln

Europe's biggest steampunk convention

Jake Wallis Simons discovers how Victorian ray guns and the martial art of biscuit dunking are precisely what the 21st century needs
Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Lying is dangerous and unnecessary. A new book explains the strategies needed to avoid it. John Rentoul on the art of 'uncommunication'
Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough? Was the beloved thespian the last of the cross-generation stars?

Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough?

The atomisation of culture means that few of those we regard as stars are universally loved any more, says DJ Taylor
She's dark, sarcastic, and bashes life in Nowheresville ... so how did Kacey Musgraves become country music's hottest new star?

Kacey Musgraves: Nashville's hottest new star

The singer has two Grammys for her first album under her belt and her celebrity fans include Willie Nelson, Ryan Adams and Katy Perry
American soldier-poet Brian Turner reveals the enduring turmoil that inspired his memoir

Soldier-poet Brian Turner on his new memoir

James Kidd meets the prize-winning writer, whose new memoir takes him back to the bloody battles he fought in Iraq
Aston Villa vs Hull match preview: Villa were not surprised that Ron Vlaar was a World Cup star

Villa were not surprised that Vlaar was a World Cup star

Andi Weimann reveals just how good his Dutch teammate really is
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef ekes out his holiday in Italy with divine, simple salads

Bill Granger's simple Italian salads

Our chef presents his own version of Italian dishes, taking in the flavours and produce that inspired him while he was in the country
The Last Word: Tumbleweed through deserted stands and suites at Wembley

The Last Word: Tumbleweed through deserted stands and suites at Wembley

If supporters begin to close bank accounts, switch broadband suppliers or shun satellite sales, their voices will be heard. It’s time for revolution