Well done Cheryl Cole for marrying after only three months

Why have your wedding day ruined by the slow drip of reality?

I have halloumi in my fridge that’s been around longer than Cheryl Cole’s been in a relationship with French restaurateur Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini, but the pair have married after three months nevertheless. Congratulations to the utterly beautiful duo. “Mazzles!”, as my Essex Jewish friends would say.

Three months, in my opinion, is the perfect time to get married as one is still wholly drugged by those glorious initial stages of lust, denial and idealism. Love is, let’s be frank, glorious, delicious mental health armageddon. It makes crazies of us all. All that and a great dress too. 

Well done Cheryl for marrying after three months, the point where merely staring into the eyes of a loved one makes one’s waist feel smaller and one’s eyelashes longer. Movie love. A love without fear, chiefly as one has literally no idea who the person is to fear them. Plus you’re too cerebrally imbalanced to care. Woo hoo! Seize the day, Cheryl.

Waiting until seven or eight months to marry is for fools and slackers who want their day ruined with the subtle, slow drip of reality. And that's enough to put anyone off a marzipan-smothered, three-tier fruit-loaf. The reality being that one is actually simply staring at another flawed human being, one with a history, weaknesses, secrets, plain unknowability and stuff that needs mended while offering no ability whatsoever to mend you.

We should all get married at three months. Wed in haste, work out who the hell this person is who's in your house forever at absolute leisure.