What he said "There are many things I want this Coalition to achieve but what could matter more than saving our United Kingdom."

What he means There are a few things for which I want the Liberal Democrats to share the blame, so this is the only time I will use the word "Coalition", to make it clear that it is not just my fault that 300 years of union with Scotland is at risk.

What he said "Since we gathered here in Birmingham on Sunday, British aid money has vaccinated 130,000 children around the world. You, the Conservative Party, helped to do that and you should be proud of what you've done. Here's something else this party's done in Government. Last December I was at a European Council in Brussels… I did something that no other British leader has ever done before. I said no – Britain comes first – and I vetoed that EU treaty."

What he means You don't agree with such a big overseas aid budget but it is essential to detoxifying the Tory brand so I will make you clap. And then I will give you a bit of Euroscepticism to take away the pain.

What he said "Here's the truth: the damage was worse than we thought and it's taking longer than we hoped. The world economy – especially in the eurozone – has been much weaker than expected in the past two years."

What he means Here's the spin that George has drafted to get us through until the Autumn Statement.

What he said "We're here because they spent too much and borrowed too much. How on earth can the answer be more spending and more borrowing?… Labour: the party of one notion: more borrowing."

What he means Never mind those Nobel prize-winning economists who say spending cuts slow the economy down, let's keep this at the level of matchsticks maths because it goes down well with the focus groups.

What he said "That's my plan – millions of children sent to independent schools, independent schools in the state sector."

What he means Brilliant Labour policy and Ed Miliband doesn't want it. Cannot believe my luck.