Whatever Spornosexuality is, I'm all for it

If men want to wear tiny pants and spend an unhealthy amount of time in the gym, then we should probably leave them to it

Share

You’ll have seen the picture by now, of the two TOWIE men, near-naked as the day they were born, their slender bodies a lurid and unconvincing shade of orange, their balls cupped tight by what look like tube socks flossing their buttocks.

These, The Telegraph would have you believe, are the "spornosexuals". They’re primped, tanned, tattooed and self-involved muscle-men, more interested in selfies and highlights than, presumably, The Queen or Margaret Thatcher, or whatever other subject deemed most fitting for the interest of a decent young man in this day and age. And they’re eminently worthy of our outrage.

"Spornosexual" is a grubby little portmanteau implying an unholy combination of "sportsman" and "porn star", apparently created by someone who’s witnessed neither. It describes, apparently, this new brand of neo-narcissist, descendants of the metrosexual but, like everything else in this world that’s new and therefore not as good as older things (see: the 1950s, the 1890s, the divine right of kings; Telegraphs passim), it is supposedly indicative of a crass new strain of particularly onanistic self-regard above all else.

And, well, so what? They do look a bit funny in their mirrored shades and post-structuralist haircuts. Yes, they are undoubtedly quite pleased with themselves and their cut lines, and it's hard to claim that choosing to wear nothing but a literal sack for your balls is on the unsophisticated end of the naffness spectrum, but what’s any of it to you?

Perhaps they do look like berks to your rarefied eye, but that is their right as autonomous humans. It isn’t any of our business if they prefer a weekly sunbed and some crossfit (that’s a gym thing, I think) to, say, an attic of model trains or a real ale convention.

No one’s forcing you to spend any time with them and their ridiculous little panties, so why not leave them in peace? If these people choose to self-actualise as leggier oompah-loompahs with lower air resistance, more power to them. And frankly, if you think this is a youth subculture somewhat lacking in aesthetic fibre, you’re going to be in for a shock if you ever encounter "normcore".

There isn’t a huge amount of point in overthinking what’s happening here. The fact is, kids have been making dressing decisions to irritate the older generation since loincloths were cool the first time around.

This is not a worrying new youth cult, nor the deathknell of traditional masculinity (and it wouldn’t matter if it were). They are not even now on their way to steal your wives or encourage your children to wax themselves more thoroughly. It’s nothing more than a daft fashion trend reaching its likely apex with dramatically poorly chosen beachwear.

NOW READ THIS:
Is masculinity in crisis?
Grace Dent on TV: The Island with Bear Grylls was full of plotless bumbling and twig friction

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Solutions Architect - Permanent - London - £70k DOE

£60000 - £70000 Per Annum Excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd:...

General Cover Teacher

£110 - £130 per day: Randstad Education Reading: Great opportunities for Cover...

Maths Teacher

£110 - £130 per day: Randstad Education Reading: QTS Maths Teachers needed for...

Maths Teacher

£110 - £130 per day: Randstad Education Reading: QTS Maths Teachers needed for...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The bustling Accident & Emergency ward at Milton Keynes Hospital  

The NHS needs the courage to 'adapt and survive'

Nigel Edwards
 

Letter from the Sub-Editor: Canada is seen as a peaceful nation, but violent crime isn’t as rare as you might think

Jeffrey Simpson
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker
Renée Zellweger's real crime has been to age in an industry that prizes women's youth over humanity

'Renée Zellweger's real crime was to age'

The actress's altered appearance raised eyebrows at Elle's Women in Hollywood awards on Monday
From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Patrick Grafton-Green wonders if they can ever recapture the old magic
Thousands of teenagers to visit battlefields of the First World War in new Government scheme

Pupils to visit First World War battlefields

A new Government scheme aims to bring the the horrors of the conflict to life over the next five years
The 10 best smartphone accessories

Make the most of your mobile: 10 best smartphone accessories

Try these add-ons for everything from secret charging to making sure you never lose your keys again
Mario Balotelli substituted at half-time against Real Madrid: Was this shirt swapping the real reason?

Liverpool v Real Madrid

Mario Balotelli substituted at half-time. Was shirt swapping the real reason?
West Indies tour of India: Hurricane set to sweep Windies into the shadows

Hurricane set to sweep Windies into the shadows

Decision to pull out of India tour leaves the WICB fighting for its existence with an off-field storm building
Indiana serial killer? Man arrested for murdering teenage prostitute confesses to six other murders - and police fear there could be many more

A new American serial killer?

Police fear man arrested for murder of teen prostitute could be responsible for killing spree dating back 20 years
Sweetie, the fake 10-year-old girl designed to catch online predators, claims her first scalp

Sting to trap paedophiles may not carry weight in UK courts

Computer image of ‘Sweetie’ represented entrapment, experts say
Fukushima nuclear crisis: Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on - and may never return home

Return to Fukushima – a land they will never call home again

Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on from nuclear disaster
Wildlife Photographer of the Year: Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize

Wildlife Photographer of the Year

Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize
Online petitions: Sign here to change the world

Want to change the world? Just sign here

The proliferation of online petitions allows us to register our protests at the touch of a button. But do they change anything?