Why every straight man secretly wants a boyfriend

The top nine reasons why you should switch your girlfriend for a bloke

Share

It's apparently Boyfriends Day - according to some complete idiots somewhere.

We all roll our eyes and think: Arg! Not another pointless day for a bunch of people who don't even do anything special - like Mother's Day. But actually, I imagine it must hard for heterosexual boyfriends, striking a balance between masculinity and sensitivity, whilst pretending to think that women are sane, balanced individuals not poisoned by a hormonal crazy-potion. I applaud all straight blokes for marching on so bravely in the face of such mental and emotional torture. Then again, why didn't they choose to be gay like what I did? Life would be so much easier for them. Well, it's never too late. 

If you are a straight man, allow me to present the top nine reasons why you should switch your girlfriend for a bloke. 

B is for babies. A boyfriend will not 'forget' to play safe. If he fails to use protection, the worst surprise you'll get in nine months' time is that Jessie J still has a recording contract.

O is for oestrogen. Is it oestrogen that makes girls so erratic? I don't care because I don't have to date them. Your boyfriend is testosterone-fuelled all the way. Fetch the Scalextric and a hammer.

Y is for yes. Beer? Yes. Sex? Yes. Throwing stuff and catching it? Yes. Computer games? Yes. Football? Yes (assuming the players are fit).

F is for...guess. You know what you like and most girls think it's disgusting. Your boyfriend has the same bits as you so he will know exactly what you're after and he'll probably have a few surprisingly awesome tricks your girlfriend never even dreamed of in her wildest nightmares. 

R is for romance, which can be viewed as a nice fluffy optional extra in addition to the basic let's jump in bed package. It is not a torturous character test, a bargaining chip, a delaying tactic or a guilt trip. In longer-term relationships, romance is something simple, innocent and sweet, rather than the guilty garage flowers or chocolate box bribery.

I is for infidelity. Whatever.

E is for empathy. Your boyfriend will understand that sometimes things (inanimate things) just have to be thrown, hit, unscrewed, fixed, demolished, polished, chopped up, ignored or burned.   

N is for no. Flowers? No. Chocolates? No. Long silences? No. My arm aches you do it...? No. Cupcake-based activities? No. Cushions on the bed for no reason? No. Biological clock-induced madness? No. 

D is for death. Men die earlier than women, drive more dangerously and take stupid risks with their physical safety. Choose wisely and your boyfriend will probably be dead within a few years, leaving you free to pick a new one! 

Any straight man convinced by my arguments is encouraged to contact me immediately on Twitter.

Click here to read Felicity Morse's response

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Mortgage Advisor - OTE £95,000

£40000 - £95000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Trainee Vehicle Inspectors / Purchasers

£20000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Trainee Vehicle Inspectors / Pu...

Recruitment Genius: Vehicle Broker / Purchaser

£18000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Executive - OTE £45,000

£18000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Sales Executive is required t...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The possibility of Corbyn winning has excited some Conservatives  

Labour leadership: The choice at the heart of the leadership campaign

Jeremy Corbyn
Pablo Iglesias, the leader of Spain’s anti-austerity party Podemos  

Greece debt crisis: Trouble is, if you help the Greeks, everyone will want the same favours

Charlotte McDonald-Gibson Charlotte McDonald-Gibson
Greece debt crisis: EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

EU 'family' needs to forgive rather than punish an impoverished state

An outbreak of malaria in Greece four years ago helps us understand the crisis, says Robert Fisk
Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge: The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas

Gaza, a year on from Operation Protective Edge

The traumatised kibbutz on Israel's front line, still recovering from last summer's war with Hamas
How to survive electrical storms: What are the chances of being hit by lightning?

Heavy weather

What are the chances of being hit by lightning?
World Bodypainting Festival 2015: Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'

World Bodypainting Festival 2015

Bizarre and brilliant photos celebrate 'the body as art'
alt-j: A private jet, a Mercury Prize and Latitude headliners

Don't call us nerds

Craig Mclean meets alt-j - the math-folk act who are flying high
How to find gold: The Californian badlands, digging out crevasses and sifting sludge

How to find gold

Steve Boggan finds himself in the Californian badlands, digging out crevasses and sifting sludge
Singing accents: From Herman's Hermits and David Bowie to Alesha Dixon

Not born in the USA

Lay off Alesha Dixon: songs sound better in US accents, even our national anthem
10 best balsamic vinegars

10 best balsamic vinegars

Drizzle it over salad, enjoy it with ciabatta, marinate vegetables, or use it to add depth to a sauce - this versatile staple is a cook's best friend
Wimbledon 2015: Brief glimpses of the old Venus but Williams sisters' epic wars belong to history

Brief glimpses of the old Venus but Williams sisters' epic wars belong to history

Serena dispatched her elder sister 6-4, 6-3 in eight minutes more than an hour
Greece says 'No': A night of huge celebrations in Athens as voters decisively back Tsipras and his anti-austerity stance in historic referendum

Greece referendum

Greeks say 'No' to austerity and plunge Europe into crisis
Ten years after the 7/7 terror attacks, is Britain an altered state?

7/7 bombings anniversary

Ten years after the terror attacks, is Britain an altered state?
Beautiful evening dresses are some of the loveliest Donatella has created

Versace haute couture review

Beautiful evening dresses are some of the loveliest Donatella has ever created
No hope and no jobs, so Gaza's young risk their lives, climb the fence and run for it

No hope and no jobs in Gaza

So the young risk their lives and run for it
Fashion apps: Retailers roll together shopping and social networking for mobile customers

Fashion apps

Retailers roll together shopping and social networking for mobile customers
The Greek referendum exposes a gaping hole at the heart of the European Union – its distinct lack of any genuine popular legitimacy

Gaping hole at the heart of the European Union

Treatment of Greece has shown up a lack of genuine legitimacy