Welcome to the new Independent website. We hope you enjoy it and we value your feedback. Please contact us here.

Why every straight man secretly wants a boyfriend

The top nine reasons why you should switch your girlfriend for a bloke
  • @andywestradio

It's apparently Boyfriends Day - according to some complete idiots somewhere.

We all roll our eyes and think: Arg! Not another pointless day for a bunch of people who don't even do anything special - like Mother's Day. But actually, I imagine it must hard for heterosexual boyfriends, striking a balance between masculinity and sensitivity, whilst pretending to think that women are sane, balanced individuals not poisoned by a hormonal crazy-potion. I applaud all straight blokes for marching on so bravely in the face of such mental and emotional torture. Then again, why didn't they choose to be gay like what I did? Life would be so much easier for them. Well, it's never too late. 

If you are a straight man, allow me to present the top nine reasons why you should switch your girlfriend for a bloke. 

B is for babies. A boyfriend will not 'forget' to play safe. If he fails to use protection, the worst surprise you'll get in nine months' time is that Jessie J still has a recording contract.

O is for oestrogen. Is it oestrogen that makes girls so erratic? I don't care because I don't have to date them. Your boyfriend is testosterone-fuelled all the way. Fetch the Scalextric and a hammer.

Y is for yes. Beer? Yes. Sex? Yes. Throwing stuff and catching it? Yes. Computer games? Yes. Football? Yes (assuming the players are fit).

F is for...guess. You know what you like and most girls think it's disgusting. Your boyfriend has the same bits as you so he will know exactly what you're after and he'll probably have a few surprisingly awesome tricks your girlfriend never even dreamed of in her wildest nightmares. 

R is for romance, which can be viewed as a nice fluffy optional extra in addition to the basic let's jump in bed package. It is not a torturous character test, a bargaining chip, a delaying tactic or a guilt trip. In longer-term relationships, romance is something simple, innocent and sweet, rather than the guilty garage flowers or chocolate box bribery.

I is for infidelity. Whatever.

E is for empathy. Your boyfriend will understand that sometimes things (inanimate things) just have to be thrown, hit, unscrewed, fixed, demolished, polished, chopped up, ignored or burned.   

N is for no. Flowers? No. Chocolates? No. Long silences? No. My arm aches you do it...? No. Cupcake-based activities? No. Cushions on the bed for no reason? No. Biological clock-induced madness? No. 

D is for death. Men die earlier than women, drive more dangerously and take stupid risks with their physical safety. Choose wisely and your boyfriend will probably be dead within a few years, leaving you free to pick a new one! 

Any straight man convinced by my arguments is encouraged to contact me immediately on Twitter.

Click here to read Felicity Morse's response