A 1,000 per cent brilliant plan to save England

Share

As a man who knows absolutely nothing whatsoever about football, I reckon my time has finally come.

As a man who knows absolutely nothing whatsoever about football, I reckon my time has finally come.

Hand over those boots, Mr Keegan, and let me step into them now. It's time to give the game the shake-up it so obviously needs. It's clear, even to me, that too much attention has been paid to obviously unattainable objectives such as scoring goals and winning. What we need is new strategies and tactics created, preferably, by a man with a highly developed sense of humour and a drinking habit.

Which leads me - neatly, I feel - to training (hope I'm not getting too technical here). Given that we are going to be smashed by whomever we're daft enough to play against, my first act as manager will be to toss any notions of physical fitness straight out of the changing-room window. My team will consist of blubbery wrecks, asthmatics, Eric the Eel and some blind people. There will be no discrimination in the brave new England that I intend to build.

No sobriety, either. The first training session will take place in my local; if 14 pints is good enough for the leader of the Conservative Party, then it's certainly good enough for my lads.

And I won't be having any slackers. I'm not having my key players going all glassy-eyed and unconscious and slumping to the floor when we're only half-way through what promises to be a vigorous and demanding work-out.

Once we've got the statutory Hague over, we'll be moving on to the hard stuff; then it's all back to my place for a dozen bottles of red and the passing-round of a sensemilla Widdecombe. I may allow the lads a couple of hours' kip in front of the porno video, before we awake at around noon, ready to do some serious work on a packet of Capstan Full Strength (untipped, naturally), a greasy fry-up, then back down the pub for a lunchtime refresher and a heart attack.

A bold and innovative stroke would be to send the lads on to the field dressed in the same gear as their opponents. The confusion that will create might enable us to slip a couple of balls in the back of the net, but it's unlikely. Such an objective will not be our first priority. What we intend to do first is all stand around squabbling over who's turn it is to go in goal. I'm hopeful this may lead to a punch-up or, at the very least, a couple of the more emotional players getting all tearful and walking off the field in a huff. Then their mums will come round and tell us to play nicely. With luck, one of them may confiscate the ball, and we'll have to go home.

In the event of that not happening, I have plenty more diversions up my sleeve. Hiding the ball up the back of the shirt and walking round scratching the head has worked on innumerable occasions. As has the carefully rehearsed and choreographed group faint. Nothing takes the heart out of a football team more than seeing their opponents lying flat on their backs, apparently unconscious, with some of us doing a credible impression of an epileptic fit.

Football is a game of two halves. Well, not any more it isn't. Once the half-time whistle blows, that's it for us. It's off the field, into the tunnel, out the other end and keep on running. We'll have done a good reconnaissance job on the area. There'll be plenty of places where we can hide. I pity the poor referee, trudging the back-streets of wherever we're playing, calling out our names in a pathetic manner as we all crouch behind some dustbins, giggling.

I think the word you're looking for is "brilliant". In fact, it's 1,000 per cent brilliant. I fully expect to hear from the blazers at the FA any minute now. It's over to me, England selection board. Yes, the ball is in my hands. Give me just one season, and I promise you an unrivalled record of incompetence, mediocrity and ignominious defeat. Or has that been done already?

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Cleaner

£15000 - £16500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: If you've got first class custo...

Recruitment Genius: Mobile Applications Developer / Architect - iOS and Android

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This is a great opportunity to join a medium s...

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Account Executive - £40K OTE

£11830 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Working in a friendly, sales ta...

Recruitment Genius: Web Designer

£15000 - £27000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: One of the UK's leading web des...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Pentagon has suggested that, since the campaign started, some 10,000 Isis fighters in Iraq and Syria have been killed  

War with Isis: If the US wants to destroy the group, it will need to train Syrians and Iraqis

David Usborne
David Cameron gives a speech at a Tory party dinner  

In a time of austerity, should Tories be bidding £210,000 for a signed photo of the new Cabinet?

Simon Kelner
Greece debt crisis: What happened to democracy when it’s a case of 'Vote Yes or else'?

'The economic collapse has happened. What is at risk now is democracy...'

If it doesn’t work in Europe, how is it supposed to work in India or the Middle East, asks Robert Fisk
The science of swearing: What lies behind the use of four-letter words?

The science of swearing

What lies behind the use of four-letter words?
The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won't have him back

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won’t have him back
Africa on the menu: Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the continent

Africa on the menu

Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the hot new continent
Donna Karan is stepping down after 30 years - so who will fill the DKNY creator's boots?

Who will fill Donna Karan's boots?

The designer is stepping down as Chief Designer of DKNY after 30 years. Alexander Fury looks back at the career of 'America's Chanel'
10 best statement lightbulbs

10 best statement lightbulbs

Dare to bare with some out-of-the-ordinary illumination
Wimbledon 2015: Heather Watson - 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

Heather Watson: 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

Briton pumped up for dream meeting with world No 1
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve
Dustin Brown: Who is the tennis player who knocked Rafael Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?

Dustin Brown

Who is the German player that knocked Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?
Ashes 2015: Damien Martyn - 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

Damien Martyn: 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

Australian veteran of that Ashes series, believes the hosts' may become unstoppable if they win the first Test
Tour de France 2015: Twins Simon and Adam Yates have a mountain to climb during Tour of duty

Twins have a mountain to climb during Tour of duty

Yates brothers will target the steepest sections in bid to win a stage in France
John Palmer: 'Goldfinger' of British crime was murdered, say police

Murder of the Brink’s-MAT mastermind

'Goldfinger' of British crime's life ended in a blaze of bullets, say police
Forget little green men - aliens will look like humans, says Cambridge University evolution expert

Forget little green men

Leading evolutionary biologist says aliens will look like humans
The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: An Algerian scientist adjusts to life working in a kebab shop

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

An Algerian scientist struggles to adjust to her new life working in a Scottish kebab shop
Bodyworlds museum: Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy

Dying dream of Doctor Death

Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy