Alice-Azania Jarvis: Leave it to Bieber to divert us from royals

Click to follow
The Independent Online

Had enough of the royal wedding? Worried about all the more important issues being kept off the front pages? Fear not, for I have kept track on your behalf, and have this to impart. Fans of oral hygiene and Justin Bieber (99 per cent of the population, at least) will be pleased to note the arrival of the Justin Bieber toothbrush. The ingenious contraption not only promises to remove plaque and prevent cavities, but it does so all while serenading the brusher with the teen idol's hits. Soon to follow: Justin Bieber dental floss and a Justin Bieber tongue-scraper.

* I fear the non-wedding agenda can't be sustained, so over to Mr Chris Balcombe, who has spent an entire week decorating a life-size dalek in royal wedding-themed regalia. "It's not every day we get a royal wedding, so it was well worth the effort," he explains, not in the slightest bit perplexingly. Several points to note: the dalek, so far as I can ascertain, was already in Chris's possession – which may or may not qualify him as an "eccentric". Chris, by the way, is 51. On the upside, pictures suggest that the thing can hold food. So, you know, maybe he's on to something.

* Bookies are offering five-to-one odds that the royal couple's first dance will be to You're Beautiful by James Blunt. And eight-to-one that they'll go for either Shania Twain's You're Still the One or Angels by Robbie Williams. Surely we can count on Our Leaders to have better taste? And lo, as if to prove the point, a video surfaces online of a young Prince Charles being taught to breakdance, shot, it would seem, in the early 1980s. Charlie Boy, clad in sharp suit and dickie bow, does not disgrace himself, dropping to his knees, moon walking – even hand jiving – all in time to the music. He also performs an excellent worm, the viewing of which should, I feel, be incorporated into Mr Cameron's Happiness Agenda without further delay.

* A question. Who on God's earth is buying all the replica engagement rings? Marks & Spencer have reported a 1,000-per-cent increase in sales of the thing since its first week in stores. It is, they insist, the fastest-selling ring they have ever sold. Ever. This is no small feat. After all, they sell party rings. And Hula Hoops. 'Fess up.