Alice Jones: Even Ascot isn't this fussy about hats

Locog would like to vet your T-shirts at London 2012 venues


I've been waiting for an opportunity to go roller skating in my giant sombrero with a bayonet tucked under my arm, but it seems the Olympic Park won't be the place to do it. All three accessories feature on Locog's list of prohibited items for ticket holders planning to visit any of the London 2012 venues. Killjoys.

Much of the list will be no surprise to anyone who has ever been to an airport – no firearms, no illegal substances, no liquids, aerosols or gels over 100ml (not even if they're in a clear plastic bag). Pets, tents and "soft-sided bags over 25l in capacity" are also out. Bit finicky, but fine.

It's the restricted items list, on page two, where things get draconian, if not downright weird. Whistles, klaxons and drums, Frisbees and balls are contraband, in case anybody dares to have fun while watching. Oversized hats are unwelcome, ditto golf umbrellas, to prevent selfish spectators from obscuring the view. What, though, constitutes an oversized hat? Will a 6ft 8in man in a beret be waved through but a child in towering wizard hat (it could happen) be barred? Venue staff are already under enough pressure without adding measuring trilby brims to their list of duties.

Similarly, who will dictate how much food is "excessive" – another item on the restricted list? One man's blowout is another man's light snack, and no one likes to be told that they're greedy. The ban on picnics and too many munchies could, of course, be another way of herding crowds towards the Games' munificent sponsors beneath the Golden Arches. With 1,500 seats, the world's largest McDonald's will have room for everyone. Already the official sponsors' stranglehold on the site is so tight that chips can only be sold outside McDonald's if they are accompanying fish, and pints of Pimm's are to be doled out brandless – probably in brown paper bags.

By far the most sinister feature of the lists, though, is the Olympics dress code. It doesn't stop at hats, bags, and umbrellas. Locog would also like to vet your T-shirts. "Any objects or clothing bearing political statements or overt commercial identification intended for 'ambush marketing'" are verboten.

Leaving aside the mysteries of "ambush marketing", this would logically rule out everything from "statement" Che T-shirts to heavily logo-ed Hollister hoodies. Fashion experts might say that this is no bad thing, but that's not the point. It appears that what would really make Locog happy would be if every spectator turned up carrying only his or her wallet, craving fast food and dressed in Ronald McDonald onesies and Coca-Cola-themed fascinators. And you thought Ascot was fussy.

Who caters to the radio needs of 30-somethings?

It says a lot for my dogged devotion to Radio 1 that my sister, aged 36, felt the need to text me first thing on Wednesday with the news that Chris Moyles was leaving the breakfast show after eight years. "Maybe you can migrate back from the Today programme now?" she wondered. Like many, I grew up with the noisy zoo as my morning soundtrack, zoning in and out of Simon Mayo's Confessions and Mark and Lard's Bird or Bloke, wishing I was part of Chris Evans' or Zoe Ball's zany crew – but Moyles and his shouty shock jockery and endless, meandering banter broke me. That, and old age.

Radio 4 beckoned a few years ago. What began as grudging professional obligation has become near religious routine. I've moved almost seamlessly from tutting at Moyles' self-aggrandising to sighing at John Humphrys'. Easy. So I'm amazed to discover that, at 30, I'm still below the average age for a Radio 1 listener – which is 32, or 33 for the breakfast show. The station has made no secret of the fact that it wants younger listeners and Nick Grimshaw, 27 and full of vim, wit and enthusiasm for music, looks like a smart replacement.

With Radio 4 listeners averaging around 55, though, perhaps an even smarter move would be to come up with a breakfast option to appeal to 30-somethings who are old enough to know better, but don't want to be reminded of the fact first thing every morning.

Jessica Hynes gets my gold medal

With Olympocalypse dawning, it's a good moment to acknowledge the one copper-bottomed success to have already come out of London 2012 – the sublime Twenty Twelve. The BBC comedy has returned for a final hurrah in the last weeks before kick-off and once more the Olympics Deliverance Committee is vying with the real-life organisers for who can come up with the most gloriously absurd top line.

It's just a shame that the best new sitcom since The Thick of It has to end this summer. Is it too much to hope that Ian Fletcher and his team might move on to "deliver" another global event post-Games? At the very least, there must be a spin-off series to come out of Perfect Curve, home to Jessica Hynes' supremely irritating Head of Brand and Queen of Claptrap, Siobhan Sharpe. I'd, like, totally, watch it.

Twitter: @alicevjones

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Selby Jennings: VP/SVP Credit Quant- NY- Investment Bank

Not specified: Selby Jennings: VP/SVP Credit Quant Top tier investment bank i...

Ashdown Group: Senior Marketing Executive- City of London, Old Street

£40000 - £43000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: Senior Marketing Executiv...

Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager

£40000 - £43000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: An international organisa...

Ashdown Group: Internal Recruiter -Rugby, Warwickshire

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Internal Recruiter -Rugby, Warwicksh...

Day In a Page

Read Next

Errors & Omissions: pours or pores, pulverised, ‘in preference for’ and lists

Guy Keleny
Ed Miliband created a crisis of confidence about himself within Labour when he forgot to mention the deficit in his party conference speech  

The political parties aren't all the same – which means 2015 will be a 'big-choice' election

Andrew Grice
Aren’t you glad you didn’t say that? The worst wince-and-look-away quotes of the year

Aren’t you glad you didn’t say that?

The worst wince-and-look-away quotes of the year
Hollande's vanity project is on a high-speed track to the middle of nowhere

Vanity project on a high-speed track to nowhere

France’s TGV network has become mired in controversy
Sports Quiz of the Year

Sports Quiz of the Year

So, how closely were you paying attention during 2014?
Alexander Armstrong on insulting Mary Berry, his love of 'Bargain Hunt', and life as a llama farmer

Alexander Armstrong on insulting Mary Berry and his love of 'Bargain Hunt'

From Armstrong and Miller to Pointless
Sanchez helps Gunners hold on after Giroud's moment of madness

Sanchez helps Gunners hold on

Olivier Giroud's moment of madness nearly costs them
A Christmas without hope: Fears grow in Gaza that the conflict with Israel will soon reignite

Christmas without hope

Gaza fears grow that conflict with Israel will soon reignite
After 150 years, you can finally visit the grisliest museum in the country

The 'Black Museum'

After 150 years, you can finally visit Britain's grisliest museum
No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa

No ho-ho-hos with Nick Frost's badass Santa

Doctor Who Christmas Special TV review
Chilly Christmas: Swimmers take festive dip for charity

Chilly Christmas

Swimmers dive into freezing British waters for charity
Veterans' hostel 'overwhelmed by kindness' for festive dinner

Homeless Veterans appeal

In 2010, Sgt Gary Jamieson stepped on an IED in Afghanistan and lost his legs and an arm. He reveals what, and who, helped him to make a remarkable recovery
Isis in Iraq: Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment by militants

'Jilan killed herself in the bathroom. She cut her wrists and hanged herself'

Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment
Ed Balls interview: 'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'

Ed Balls interview

'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'
He's behind you, dude!

US stars in UK panto

From David Hasselhoff to Jerry Hall
Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz: What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?

Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz

What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?
Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Planet’s surface is inhospitable to humans but 30 miles above it is almost perfect