Alice-Azania Jarvis: Leave it to Bieber to divert us from royals

BTW...

Share
Related Topics

Had enough of the royal wedding? Worried about all the more important issues being kept off the front pages? Fear not, for I have kept track on your behalf, and have this to impart. Fans of oral hygiene and Justin Bieber (99 per cent of the population, at least) will be pleased to note the arrival of the Justin Bieber toothbrush. The ingenious contraption not only promises to remove plaque and prevent cavities, but it does so all while serenading the brusher with the teen idol's hits. Soon to follow: Justin Bieber dental floss and a Justin Bieber tongue-scraper.

* I fear the non-wedding agenda can't be sustained, so over to Mr Chris Balcombe, who has spent an entire week decorating a life-size dalek in royal wedding-themed regalia. "It's not every day we get a royal wedding, so it was well worth the effort," he explains, not in the slightest bit perplexingly. Several points to note: the dalek, so far as I can ascertain, was already in Chris's possession – which may or may not qualify him as an "eccentric". Chris, by the way, is 51. On the upside, pictures suggest that the thing can hold food. So, you know, maybe he's on to something.

* Bookies are offering five-to-one odds that the royal couple's first dance will be to You're Beautiful by James Blunt. And eight-to-one that they'll go for either Shania Twain's You're Still the One or Angels by Robbie Williams. Surely we can count on Our Leaders to have better taste? And lo, as if to prove the point, a video surfaces online of a young Prince Charles being taught to breakdance, shot, it would seem, in the early 1980s. Charlie Boy, clad in sharp suit and dickie bow, does not disgrace himself, dropping to his knees, moon walking – even hand jiving – all in time to the music. He also performs an excellent worm, the viewing of which should, I feel, be incorporated into Mr Cameron's Happiness Agenda without further delay.

* A question. Who on God's earth is buying all the replica engagement rings? Marks & Spencer have reported a 1,000-per-cent increase in sales of the thing since its first week in stores. It is, they insist, the fastest-selling ring they have ever sold. Ever. This is no small feat. After all, they sell party rings. And Hula Hoops. 'Fess up.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Sales Consultant - OTE £30,000+

£15000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: Area Sales Manager - Designate South

£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: One of the UK's leading electro...

Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager - London - up to £44,000

£38000 - £44000 per annum + bonus and benefits: Ashdown Group: Marketing Manag...

Ashdown Group: Graduate Application Support Analyst

£25000 - £30000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: A global leader operating...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Here’s why I’m so full of (coffee) beans

Jane Merrick
Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot
Poldark star Heida Reed: 'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'

Poldark star Heida Reed

'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'
The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn