Captain Moonlight

Share


Ahoy!

Ahoy!

Are you ready? Are you? Are you brave enough to embark with the Captain on a exhilarating voyage to the land of wit, enlightenment and interesting mail order offers? But, first, no, not a doctor joke, but, yes, a teacher joke! Teacher: Name two pronouns. Pupil: Who, me? Splendid. Forward!

Mail Order!

And a company called I Want One Of Those has been on, hoping to help with my distress over the imminent cessation of Innovations. Not bad, not bad. I was particularly taken by the full size replica fibreglass George V pillar box for £795 and the spoon which looks like its overflowing with runny ice cream and is most useful for reserving seats, £3.99. Well done, everybody! Next!

Health!

Something of a fuss, I see, over the efficacy of vitamin supplements. You will want details of the Captain's health regime. 1. Breathing exercises. Practise breathing in, then out, regularly. I find that going to sleep whenever I can promotes this. 2. A good lunch also seems to help. 3. Prevent potentially damaging muscle wear and tear by walking as little as possible. 4. This might be beyond the purse of some of you, but I have a Personal Trainer, Carlos, who monitors me closely. Carlos, for example, goes to the bar, and is always ready with a warning shout: "Captain, no! Taxi!". Thank you.

Pets win prizes!

While I have no doubt that you will all join the Captain in the general rejoicing which has greeted the news that Tinker, a black cat from Harrow, has been left £450,000 in the will of his former owner, Mrs Margaret Layne, I cannot help noting that it always seems to be cats that get the moolah. Granted, the occasional dog, too, but what about goldfish, guinea pigs, rabbits, hamsters, and white mice? Does no one care for them? True, Kalu the Chimpanzee, from Cape Town, was left several million by her late owner, but apart from her, the only other non-feline incanine I have come across is Big Tibby, a 52-year-old tortoise who was left £50,000 by his former owner, Mr Gordon Moss of Butley Town, Cheshire, but who is no longer with us, either, thanks to the unfortunate combination of a garden pond and the misapprehension that he was a turtle. So: details of your esoteric pet bequests, please!

Well,

I'll Go To The Foot Of Our Stairs With Captain Moonlight. It was Michael Palin's 60th birthday last week, you know. It was. Somebody asked him how he would be celebrating. "I'm not going to be doing anything particularly racy," he said. Well, etc. Next week: Alan Bennett has a cup of tea, Michael Winner has a meal, David Starkey has an opinion, Huw Evans says, "thanks for that, Matt," David Beckham is unsettled, and Liz Hurley goes out. Next!

Spot

That Snag With Captain Moonlight. And this week reader Mr Ball of Middleton writes: "Captain! Ever wondered what to do with all that chewing gum stuck to pavements? Ever been stuck in roadworks for resurfacing? How about a campaign to get people to throw used gum in the road, not on the pavement? As we all know, gum is almost impossible to get rid off so will keep the road properly surfaced for years. Can anyone see a flaw in my argument?" Ah, well, have one of my exclusive black and silver enamel effect Moonlight Badges, anyway. Mr Ball. On!

Stars!

Did you see the list of 100 greatest film stars chosen for Channel 4 by film fans? Extraordinary. No place for, to name but a few, Charles Hawtrey, Sir Norman, Lassie, Dame May Whitty, Richard Wattis, Irene Handl, Felix Aylmer, Terry-Thomas, David Tomlinson, Chips Rafferty or Sir Cliff. Haven't these people seen Expresso Bongo? Next!

Did

You Know With Captain Moonlight! Did you know that the real name of Clint Warwick, the bass guitarist of the Moody Blues until 1966, is Clinton Eccles? Remarkable. Next!

Well,

I'll Go To The Foot Of Our Stairs With Captain Moonlight (2)! Did you know that there is an Arabic verb which means "to put one's finger up a chicken's bottom to see if it is about to lay an egg"? Would you like to know what it is? Ring the Captain's Hotline now on 020-7005 2462 and vote "Yes, Chicken bottom!" or "No, Fowl!" Excellent. Forward!

Charles Nevin is Captain Moonlight

email thingie: moonlight@ independent.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Web Developer - Junior / Mid Weight

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: To support their continued grow...

Recruitment Genius: Marketing Data Specialist

£22000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They are the go-to company for ...

Recruitment Genius: Search Marketing Specialist - PPC / SEO

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join the UK's leadin...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This caravan dealership are currently recruiti...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Rafael Nadal is down and out, beaten by Dustin Brown at Wimbledon – but an era is not thereby ended  

Sad as it is, Rafael Nadal's decline does not mark the end of tennis's golden era

Tom Peck
Greece debt crisis: What happened to democracy when it’s a case of 'Vote Yes or else'?

'The economic collapse has happened. What is at risk now is democracy...'

If it doesn’t work in Europe, how is it supposed to work in India or the Middle East, asks Robert Fisk
The science of swearing: What lies behind the use of four-letter words?

The science of swearing

What lies behind the use of four-letter words?
The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won't have him back

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won’t have him back
Africa on the menu: Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the continent

Africa on the menu

Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the hot new continent
Donna Karan is stepping down after 30 years - so who will fill the DKNY creator's boots?

Who will fill Donna Karan's boots?

The designer is stepping down as Chief Designer of DKNY after 30 years. Alexander Fury looks back at the career of 'America's Chanel'
10 best statement lightbulbs

10 best statement lightbulbs

Dare to bare with some out-of-the-ordinary illumination
Wimbledon 2015: Heather Watson - 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

Heather Watson: 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

Briton pumped up for dream meeting with world No 1
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve
Dustin Brown: Who is the tennis player who knocked Rafael Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?

Dustin Brown

Who is the German player that knocked Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?
Ashes 2015: Damien Martyn - 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

Damien Martyn: 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

Australian veteran of that Ashes series, believes the hosts' may become unstoppable if they win the first Test
Tour de France 2015: Twins Simon and Adam Yates have a mountain to climb during Tour of duty

Twins have a mountain to climb during Tour of duty

Yates brothers will target the steepest sections in bid to win a stage in France
John Palmer: 'Goldfinger' of British crime was murdered, say police

Murder of the Brink’s-MAT mastermind

'Goldfinger' of British crime's life ended in a blaze of bullets, say police
Forget little green men - aliens will look like humans, says Cambridge University evolution expert

Forget little green men

Leading evolutionary biologist says aliens will look like humans
The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: An Algerian scientist adjusts to life working in a kebab shop

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

An Algerian scientist struggles to adjust to her new life working in a Scottish kebab shop
Bodyworlds museum: Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy

Dying dream of Doctor Death

Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy