Captain Moonlight

Share


Ahoy!

Ahoy!

Are you ready? Are you? Are you brave enough to embark with the Captain on a exhilarating voyage to the land of wit, enlightenment and interesting mail order offers? But, first, no, not a doctor joke, but, yes, a teacher joke! Teacher: Name two pronouns. Pupil: Who, me? Splendid. Forward!

Mail Order!

And a company called I Want One Of Those has been on, hoping to help with my distress over the imminent cessation of Innovations. Not bad, not bad. I was particularly taken by the full size replica fibreglass George V pillar box for £795 and the spoon which looks like its overflowing with runny ice cream and is most useful for reserving seats, £3.99. Well done, everybody! Next!

Health!

Something of a fuss, I see, over the efficacy of vitamin supplements. You will want details of the Captain's health regime. 1. Breathing exercises. Practise breathing in, then out, regularly. I find that going to sleep whenever I can promotes this. 2. A good lunch also seems to help. 3. Prevent potentially damaging muscle wear and tear by walking as little as possible. 4. This might be beyond the purse of some of you, but I have a Personal Trainer, Carlos, who monitors me closely. Carlos, for example, goes to the bar, and is always ready with a warning shout: "Captain, no! Taxi!". Thank you.

Pets win prizes!

While I have no doubt that you will all join the Captain in the general rejoicing which has greeted the news that Tinker, a black cat from Harrow, has been left £450,000 in the will of his former owner, Mrs Margaret Layne, I cannot help noting that it always seems to be cats that get the moolah. Granted, the occasional dog, too, but what about goldfish, guinea pigs, rabbits, hamsters, and white mice? Does no one care for them? True, Kalu the Chimpanzee, from Cape Town, was left several million by her late owner, but apart from her, the only other non-feline incanine I have come across is Big Tibby, a 52-year-old tortoise who was left £50,000 by his former owner, Mr Gordon Moss of Butley Town, Cheshire, but who is no longer with us, either, thanks to the unfortunate combination of a garden pond and the misapprehension that he was a turtle. So: details of your esoteric pet bequests, please!

Well,

I'll Go To The Foot Of Our Stairs With Captain Moonlight. It was Michael Palin's 60th birthday last week, you know. It was. Somebody asked him how he would be celebrating. "I'm not going to be doing anything particularly racy," he said. Well, etc. Next week: Alan Bennett has a cup of tea, Michael Winner has a meal, David Starkey has an opinion, Huw Evans says, "thanks for that, Matt," David Beckham is unsettled, and Liz Hurley goes out. Next!

Spot

That Snag With Captain Moonlight. And this week reader Mr Ball of Middleton writes: "Captain! Ever wondered what to do with all that chewing gum stuck to pavements? Ever been stuck in roadworks for resurfacing? How about a campaign to get people to throw used gum in the road, not on the pavement? As we all know, gum is almost impossible to get rid off so will keep the road properly surfaced for years. Can anyone see a flaw in my argument?" Ah, well, have one of my exclusive black and silver enamel effect Moonlight Badges, anyway. Mr Ball. On!

Stars!

Did you see the list of 100 greatest film stars chosen for Channel 4 by film fans? Extraordinary. No place for, to name but a few, Charles Hawtrey, Sir Norman, Lassie, Dame May Whitty, Richard Wattis, Irene Handl, Felix Aylmer, Terry-Thomas, David Tomlinson, Chips Rafferty or Sir Cliff. Haven't these people seen Expresso Bongo? Next!

Did

You Know With Captain Moonlight! Did you know that the real name of Clint Warwick, the bass guitarist of the Moody Blues until 1966, is Clinton Eccles? Remarkable. Next!

Well,

I'll Go To The Foot Of Our Stairs With Captain Moonlight (2)! Did you know that there is an Arabic verb which means "to put one's finger up a chicken's bottom to see if it is about to lay an egg"? Would you like to know what it is? Ring the Captain's Hotline now on 020-7005 2462 and vote "Yes, Chicken bottom!" or "No, Fowl!" Excellent. Forward!

Charles Nevin is Captain Moonlight

email thingie: moonlight@ independent.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Finance Manager - Covent Garden, central London - £45k - £55k

£45000 - £55000 per annum + 30 days holiday: Ashdown Group: Finance Manager - ...

Ashdown Group: Systems Administrator - Lancashire - £30,000

£28000 - £30000 per annum: Ashdown Group: 3rd Line Support Engineer / Network ...

Recruitment Genius: Graduate Web Developer

£26000 - £33000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Web Developer is required to ...

Ashdown Group: PeopleSoft Developer - London - £45k

£45000 per annum: Ashdown Group: PeopleSoft Application Support & Development ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Isis in Iraq: Even if Iraqi troops take back Saddam’s city of Tikrit they will face bombs and booby traps

Patrick Cockburn
The Royal Mint Engraver Jody Clark with his new coinage portrait, alongside the four previous incarnations  

Queen's new coin portrait: Second-rate sculpture makes her look characterless

Michael Glover
The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

Money, corruption and drugs

The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

150 years after it was outlawed...

... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

You won't believe your eyes

Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn
Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

The shadow Home Secretary on fighting radical Islam, protecting children, and why anyone in Labour who's thinking beyond May must 'sort themselves out'
A bad week for the Greens: Leader Natalie Bennett's 'car crash' radio interview is followed by Brighton council's failure to set a budget due to infighting

It's not easy being Green

After a bad week in which its leader had a public meltdown and its only city council couldn't agree on a budget vote, what next for the alternative party? It's over to Caroline Lucas to find out
Gorillas nearly missed: BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter

Gorillas nearly missed

BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter
Downton Abbey effect sees impoverished Italian nobles inspired to open their doors to paying guests for up to €650 a night

The Downton Abbey effect

Impoverished Italian nobles are opening their doors to paying guests, inspired by the TV drama
China's wild panda numbers have increased by 17% since 2003, new census reveals

China's wild panda numbers on the up

New census reveals 17% since 2003