Captain Moonlight: So this vicar walks into a pet shop and asks for a parrot

Ahoy!

Sunday 13 April 2003 00:00 BST
Comments

Splendid to see you again! Sorry? A new reader? Marvellous, welcome! Sorry? What goes on here, then? Well, like most things I've tried, it's a little difficult to put it in a nut shell, but the following bullet points might give you a few hints, summon up the flavour: provocative, trenchant, timely, courageous, original, irreverent, thoughtful. Ready? So this vicar walks into a pet shop and asks for a parrot that doesn't shout or curse. Certainly, Reverend, says the pet shop owner, I've got just the one for you. Pull the string on its left leg and it recites the Lord's Prayer; pull the string on the right leg and it recites the 23rd psalm. And what, asks the vicar, if one pulls both strings? I fall off the perch, you bloody idiot, shouts the parrot. Oi! Forward!

Up North

With Captain Moonlight! I hope you all noticed how much cheaper it is to live in the North? Toasted tuna sandwiches up to 52 per cent cheaper, fish and chips 67 per cent cheaper! Goodness me, all that and people dragging you over their freshly donkey-stoned front steps for a nice cup of tea as well! And there's more: in Darwen, let me tell you, they've just had Sloppy Slipper Day, when everyone over the age of 60 can trade in their old slippers for a free new pair and thus reduce their chances of a dangerous fall! You wouldn't get that down South would you? Marvellous. Next!

Roundabout!

Last week I told you that I was a little concerned for the whereabouts of Mr Kevin Beresford, printer, purveyor and promoter of the legendary Roundabouts of Redditch calendar, who, branching out, had told me he was off to Grimsby, where his wife comes from, to photograph roundabouts there. Mr Beresford promised to let me know how he had got on, but, so far, nothing, not so much as a hand signal. I therefore appealed to Grimsby readers to have a look outside and see if Mr Beresford was still going round. Now Mr Mickleburgh – a... what, Grimsbyonian, Grimsbyite, Grim, Grimburger? – has been in touch to say that he hasn't seen any sign of Mr Beresford. And Mr Mickleburgh is in a strong position over this, as his book, Grimsby – A Photographic History of Your Town, features, he tells me, a photo of the roundabout in front of Grimsby College. Did you see, by the way, that the A180 in Grimsby is the ninth noisiest residential road in Britain? Splendid. Now all we need to do is find Mr Beresford. Anybody?

Urgent (2)!

Sloppy Slipper Day alert! You can get them down South! It's part of a national scheme, apparently, in 21 selected locations, new slippers provided from the public purse! Inquire now! Terrific. What a country this is! Free slippers! But I'm sure they smile more in Darwen. And help you put them on. Next!

Egg!

Mrs Hardie of Farmborough, near Bath, has written to the Captain! Mrs Hardie? "Captain! As you were writing about an unbelievably large egg recently (the things we get up to here!) I thought you might like to know that my goose Laetitia is laying eggs for me, each weighing seven and a half ounces. One makes a rather large omelette, but she only produces an egg on alternate days for about three months of the year. She would like one of your exclusive black and silver enamel effect Moonlight Badges in appreciation of her efforts." Laetitia: you've cracked it!

Keitai!

There is, I read, a new phenomenon in Japan called keitai clubs, groups of mobile phone users who tell each other the moment a good bargain appears in the shops. Well, it occurred to the Captain that we could tailor the idea to our own particular purpose. You could tell me about some unwanted item you wish to dispose of, and I could advertise it here. It's the kind of service that the late and much missed Cheerful Charlie Chester used to operate. Many of you, for example, will recall that I still have several copies of a video celebrating the Golden Wedding of HM The Queen and her husband which I acquired from Windsor Post Office, not to mention a lightly thumbed copy of Margaret Thornby's Guide to the Tea Rooms of Britain. Anyone? Next!

Tag!

And we were talking, too, about film tag lines, the ones on the posters that tell you a bit more, "Makes Ben Hur Look Like An Epic", Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or, "Guns on their hips, songs on their lips", Riders of the Black River, that sort of thing. And Mr McNally of Maida Vale has got one! He has! Mr McNally? "Captain! The Last House on the Left remains something of a classic with 'To avoid fainting, keep repeating, it's only a movie... only a movie... only a movie... only a movie... only a movie... only a movie... only a movie...'" Excellent! Mr McNally: Badge!

Work!

Steady! You have read that there's this wheeze to raise the retirement age to 70, and you're wondering what sort of jobs we could do in our late sixties. Relax, the Captain can help! How about: 1. Firewatching. 2. Bouncer at the Chelsea Hospital. 3. Knitwear and light coloured windcheater model. 4. Life counsellor ("In my day..."). 5. Seat saver. 6. Stand in for Michael Douglas. 7. Denture tester for Werther's Originals. 8. Dame Thora's left an opening, too, you know. 9. Sloppy slipper fitter. Sorry? How old do you think I am? Next, quickly!

Stop Press!

In a typical piece of fearless investigative reporting, I have telephoned North East Lincolnshire Council, who tell me that natives of Grimsby are called Grimbarians. Splendid. Other examples of stylish locative sobriquets, please! On!

Stop Stop Press!

The Captain's Exclusive Readers' Offers Service has its first subscribers! Mr Smith and Ms Eastland of Flackwell Heath! They've just fitted new rubber bump-stops to their kitchen cupboards! But the bump-stops come in packets of 100 and they've only used 11! Does anybody, they wonder, have a kitchen with 89 cupboards which need their bump-stops replacing? Splendid. Forward!

Join our commenting forum

Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies

Comments

Thank you for registering

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged inPlease refresh your browser to be logged in