Catherine Townsend: Sleeping around

Share

Five minutes into dinner at my girlfriend Sarah's wedding last weekend, I knew for certain that I had been banished to the seventh circle of hell commonly referred to as The Singles Table. The bride's mother, bless her, had also uttered the words that should strike fear into the heart of every unattached woman: "Sarah's uncle Roger is single."

So I ended up next to someone's colleague who plays the bagpipes, a guy with a lazy eye, and Uncle Roger, who turned out to be fiftysomething, fat, balding and fancied himself a bit of a Casanova.

"I'm a big fan of Charles Darwin, because I think that men are biologically programmed to look for youth and fertility," he said, eyeing my chest.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for my girlfriends who are in blissfully happy, loved-up relationships, but I've found that navigating the minefields of wedding parties can be a terrifying prospect. When I've brought dates in the past, watching public declarations of love makes us question the status of our own relationship - and there are always the nosy relatives who keep asking me when he's going to "pop the question". If I'm solo, everyone wants to know when I'm going to settle down, or they want to fix me up.

My male friends think of wedding season as hunting season. "Emotions are running high, free booze is flowing and picking up women is like shooting fish in a barrel," says one of them, Michael. "I learnt to ballroom dance for that sole reason."

I've done my share of picking up hot groomsmen. But at a girlfriend's "destination wedding" last year, at a couples-only resort in Jamaica, I learnt that hooking up at weddings has its downside. I had to share a room with a platonic friend, and after one too many piña coladas, we ended up in bed. The next day, I returned with a horrible hangover to find that he had strewn rose petals all over the room and written a poem to declare his love. All I felt like doing was putting my head in the toilet.

I spent the next two days hiding out at the pool bar, and was actually reduced to holding my breath underwater when he walked past.

I didn't want to suffer the same fate at Sarah's wedding, especially after the DJ grabbed the microphone and asked all the single women to come forward for the bouquet toss - which was between me and three 11-year-old girls. I let one of the kids win, prompting a visibly sweat-stained Uncle Roger to grab my waist and say, "Don't worry baby, you're not going to get left on the shelf!" Then, lowering his tone, he said, "I've got some Viagra back in my room." That did it. "If you like biology, you should look up the theory of sperm competition," I joked, smiling sweetly. "I have several lovers right now, and I find that it really works for me."

After getting rid of him, I headed to the dance floor and boogied all night with three very cute single males - all under the age of 12. We had a blast.

c.townsend@independent.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Clinical Lead / RGN

£40000 - £42000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: IT Sales Consultant

£35000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This IT support company has a n...

Recruitment Genius: Works Engineer

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A works engineer is required in a progressive ...

Recruitment Genius: Trainee Hire Manager - Tool Hire

£21000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Our client is seeking someone w...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

I don't blame parents who move to get their child into a good school

Chris Blackhurst
William Hague, addresses delegates at the Conservative party conference for the last time in his political career in Birmingham  

It’s only natural for politicians like William Hague to end up as journalists

Simon Kelner
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

The Arab Spring reversed

Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

Who is Oliver Bonas?

It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

60 years of Scalextric

Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

Why are we addicted to theme parks?

Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

Iran is opening up again to tourists

After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
10 best PS4 games

10 best PS4 games

Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

‘Can we really just turn away?’

Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

... and not just because of Isis vandalism
Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

Girl on a Plane

An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent