Catherine Townsend: Sleeping around

Share

Five minutes into dinner at my girlfriend Sarah's wedding last weekend, I knew for certain that I had been banished to the seventh circle of hell commonly referred to as The Singles Table. The bride's mother, bless her, had also uttered the words that should strike fear into the heart of every unattached woman: "Sarah's uncle Roger is single."

So I ended up next to someone's colleague who plays the bagpipes, a guy with a lazy eye, and Uncle Roger, who turned out to be fiftysomething, fat, balding and fancied himself a bit of a Casanova.

"I'm a big fan of Charles Darwin, because I think that men are biologically programmed to look for youth and fertility," he said, eyeing my chest.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for my girlfriends who are in blissfully happy, loved-up relationships, but I've found that navigating the minefields of wedding parties can be a terrifying prospect. When I've brought dates in the past, watching public declarations of love makes us question the status of our own relationship - and there are always the nosy relatives who keep asking me when he's going to "pop the question". If I'm solo, everyone wants to know when I'm going to settle down, or they want to fix me up.

My male friends think of wedding season as hunting season. "Emotions are running high, free booze is flowing and picking up women is like shooting fish in a barrel," says one of them, Michael. "I learnt to ballroom dance for that sole reason."

I've done my share of picking up hot groomsmen. But at a girlfriend's "destination wedding" last year, at a couples-only resort in Jamaica, I learnt that hooking up at weddings has its downside. I had to share a room with a platonic friend, and after one too many piña coladas, we ended up in bed. The next day, I returned with a horrible hangover to find that he had strewn rose petals all over the room and written a poem to declare his love. All I felt like doing was putting my head in the toilet.

I spent the next two days hiding out at the pool bar, and was actually reduced to holding my breath underwater when he walked past.

I didn't want to suffer the same fate at Sarah's wedding, especially after the DJ grabbed the microphone and asked all the single women to come forward for the bouquet toss - which was between me and three 11-year-old girls. I let one of the kids win, prompting a visibly sweat-stained Uncle Roger to grab my waist and say, "Don't worry baby, you're not going to get left on the shelf!" Then, lowering his tone, he said, "I've got some Viagra back in my room." That did it. "If you like biology, you should look up the theory of sperm competition," I joked, smiling sweetly. "I have several lovers right now, and I find that it really works for me."

After getting rid of him, I headed to the dance floor and boogied all night with three very cute single males - all under the age of 12. We had a blast.

c.townsend@independent.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Project Coordinator

Competitive: The Green Recruitment Company: The Organisation: The Green Recrui...

Project Manager (HR)- Bristol - Upto £400 p/day

£350 - £400 per annum + competitive: Orgtel: Project Manager (specializing in ...

Embedded Linux Engineer

£40000 - £50000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: Embedded Sof...

Senior Hardware Design Engineer - Broadcast

£50000 - £65000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: Working for a m...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Lada became a symbol of Russia’s failure to keep up with Western economies  

Our sanctions will not cripple Russia. It is doing a lot of the dirty work itself

Hamish McRae
The Israeli ambassador to the US, Ron Dermer, has been dubbed ‘Bibi’s brain’  

Israel's propaganda machine is finally starting to misfire

Patrick Cockburn
Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
Chris Pratt: From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

He was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star
How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

Broadcasting plays and exhibitions to cinemas is a sure-fire box office smash
Shipping container hotels: Pop-up hotels filling a niche

Pop-up hotels filling a niche

Spending the night in a shipping container doesn't sound appealing, but these mobile crash pads are popping up at the summer's biggest events
Native American headdresses are not fashion accessories

Feather dust-up

A Canadian festival has banned Native American headwear. Haven't we been here before?
Boris Johnson's war on diesel

Boris Johnson's war on diesel

11m cars here run on diesel. It's seen as a greener alternative to unleaded petrol. So why is London's mayor on a crusade against the black pump?
5 best waterproof cameras

Splash and flash: 5 best waterproof cameras

Don't let water stop you taking snaps with one of these machines that will take you from the sand to meters deep
Louis van Gaal interview: Manchester United manager discusses tactics and rebuilding after the David Moyes era

Louis van Gaal interview

Manchester United manager discusses tactics and rebuilding after the David Moyes era
The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

The air strikes were tragically real

The children were playing in the street with toy guns
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

Britain as others see us

Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them altogether

Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them

Jonathon Porritt sounds the alarm
How did our legends really begin?

How did our legends really begin?

Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

Lambrusco is back on the menu

Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz