Catherine Townsend: Sleeping Around

Share

I've always found aural sex a huge turn on, from the initial make-out moans to the screaming-while-hitting-the-headboard finale. But the next time I urge a lover to "talk dirty to me", I'm going to be careful what I wish for. Despite being witty and articulate by day, my new man Jonathan was stone-cold silent in bed. He was so quiet that I could actually hear the traffic outside, and in the run-up to orgasm he reminded me of a lion stalking an antelope on the African plains. His idea of talking dirty was telling me he has a penis.

So, in an attempt to spice things up, I started telling him in explicit detail exactly what I wanted to do to him. I even downloaded an adult podcast to his iPod - the noughties version of a cheesy 1980s phone-sex line - for some inspiration. Our next date, over candlelight and a bottle of bordeaux at a French restaurant, was more sexually charged than ever. I got so turned on listening to him tell me during dinner what he had for planned later that he got me to slip my knickers off and hand them to him under the table.

My master plan worked brilliantly - in fact, maybe a bit too well. Jonathan went from eerie silence to never shutting up overnight. His monotone play-by-play accounts of our sexual encounters became so detailed I suddenly felt like I was listening to a football-match commentary. "I'm caressing your right breast, now I'm touching your right nipple, now the left one, now your thigh - I'm going to score in a minute, baby!"

I admit that I've had my share of bedroom bloopers: I once called my ex-boyfriend to tell him I wasn't wearing any underwear before he could tell me he was using a hands-free in the car - with his brother. Still, I've never understood those who have a language barrier when it comes to talking dirty. The concept of "I want to [insert naughty verb] your [insert erogenous zone]" seems pretty straightforward, but apparently, some people find the idea as intimidating as speaking in front of thousands.

Not my friend Victoria. She admits to getting carried away in the heat of the moment. "My ex-boyfriend and I used to come up with all of these fantasy scenarios, and I would often talk about what would happen if we had another girl in bed. But when I started talking about watching him being pleasured by another guy, he jumped up and showered. I guess I went too far."

I had a similar problem with the newly chatty Jonathan. I'm a huge fan of filthy banter, but his stream-of-consciousness rants were turning into a serious passion killer -- especially when he started talking about a scenario involving me and my sister.

He was clearly making such an effort, though, that I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But the final straw came when mild-mannered Jonathan shouted mid-coitus: "Who's your daddy, bitch?" That night, the only involuntary muscle spasms I had were from laughter.

"Let's play a game," I said the next time we hooked up, "I'm going to tie you up and have my way with you... and if you make a sound, I'll stop what I'm doing."

We had an amazing night, but my technique will probably only work for so long. Maybe then I'll manage to convince him that blindfolds are out, and mouth gags are the new must-have erotic accessory for autumn...

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Tradewind Recruitment: English Teacher

Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: My client is an excellent, large partially ...

Tradewind Recruitment: Science Teacher

£90 - £140 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: I am currently working in partnersh...

Tradewind Recruitment: Year 3 Primary Teacher

£100 - £150 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Year 3 Teacher Birmingham Jan 2015...

Ashdown Group: Lead Web Developer (ASP.NET, C#) - City of London

£45000 - £50000 per annum + Excellent benefits: Ashdown Group: Lead Web Develo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Science versus religion in the three-parent baby debate

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Kylie has helped to boost viewing figures for the talent show  

When an Aussie calls you a ‘bastard’, you know you’ve arrived

Howard Jacobson
Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

Isis hostage crisis

The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

Cabbage is king again

Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
11 best winter skin treats

Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

Paul Scholes column

The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

Frank Warren's Ringside

No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee