Charles Nevin: How many peas to fill the town hall?

Start the week

Share
Related Topics

Happy Monday. Today is the 82nd anniversary of the start of the Wall Street Crash. Don't mention it. Tomorrow has yet more significant anniversaries: Agincourt, The Charge of the Light Brigade, and Cliff Richard receiving his knighthood in 1995.

I wonder what the headline writers made of that last one? Wednesday, 1803, saw the birth of Joseph Hansom, inventor of the cab of the same name, forerunner of the taxi. Hansom made a total of £300 from his inspiration. I'd take the bus back, if I were you. He also designed many churches, and Birmingham Town Hall, which, I was once told, could be filled by the peas that Britons leave each year on their plate. Don't mention it.

The clocks go back on Sunday, and you will be wondering about ways of filling that extra hour. 1. Handwash and iron your high-visibility jacket. 2. Disassemble your flashlight and oil the O-rings. 3. Go for a lie down. 4. Work out how many peas it would take to fill Birmingham Town Hall. 5. Go for another lie down. 6. List, with glosses, more than 30 ways to calculate net figures for EU budget contributions . 7. Say Tempus fugit 3,600 times. 8. Have a look for Adam Werritty. 9. Travel to Bexhill-on-Sea from Sidcup. 10. Cook ten successive jacket potatoes in the microwave, which, by a fine coincidence, was introduced 56 years ago today.

Sheridan, the great playwright, politician and serial debtor, was born 30 October, 1751. If you find present parliamentary exchanges plodding, try this routine inspiration of R B Sheridan, MP: "Mr Speaker, I said the honourable gentleman was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable gentleman may place the punctuation where he pleases."

Ever mindful of your health and safety, and having read that report about genetic engineering and transplants vis-à-vis humans and pigs, I thought it might be a prudent precaution to mention that one of the male pig's many distinctions is its penis, which operates likes a corkscrew, left-hand thread. They also have very large testicles, with the consistency of a rubber ball. Happy Monday.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Account Manager

£20000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This full service social media ...

Recruitment Genius: Data Analyst - Online Marketing

£24000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We are 'Changemakers in retail'...

Austen Lloyd: Senior Residential Conveyancer

Very Competitive: Austen Lloyd: Senior Conveyancer - South West We are see...

Austen Lloyd: Residential / Commercial Property Solicitor

Excellent Salary: Austen Lloyd: DORSET MARKET TOWN - SENIOR PROPERTY SOLICITOR...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Letter from the Deputy Editor: i’s Review of the Year

Andrew Webster
RIP Voicemail?  

Voicemail has got me out of some tight corners, so let's not abandon it

Simon Kelner
Isis in Iraq: Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment by militants

'Jilan killed herself in the bathroom. She cut her wrists and hanged herself'

Yazidi girls killing themselves to escape rape and imprisonment
Ed Balls interview: 'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'

Ed Balls interview

'If I think about the deficit when I'm playing the piano, it all goes wrong'
He's behind you, dude!

US stars in UK panto

From David Hasselhoff to Jerry Hall
Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz: What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?

Grace Dent's Christmas Quiz

What are you – a festive curmudgeon or top of the tree?
Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Nasa planning to build cloud cities in airships above Venus

Planet’s surface is inhospitable to humans but 30 miles above it is almost perfect
Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

Autism-friendly theatre

Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all
The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

Sony suffered a chorus of disapproval after it withdrew 'The Interview', but it's not too late for it to take a stand, says Joan Smith
From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?

Panto dames: before and after

From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?
Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Booksellers say readers are turning away from dark modern thrillers and back to the golden age of crime writing
Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best,' says founder of JustGiving

Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best'

Ten million of us have used the JustGiving website to donate to good causes. Its co-founder says that being dynamic is as important as being kind
The botanist who hunts for giant trees at Kew Gardens

The man who hunts giants

A Kew Gardens botanist has found 25 new large tree species - and he's sure there are more out there