Charles Nevin: How we put the squeeze on toothpaste

Start the week: Ideal breeding conditions are responsible for large numbers of moles
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The Independent Online

Happy Monday. And welcome to a bit of a wet week. This day in 1933, for example, Proctor & Gamble introduced Dreft, while on Wednesday in 1216, King John lost his Crown Jewels in the Wash. Tomorrow in 1841, John Rand, an Impressionist (painter), also managed to squeeze in patenting what would become the toothpaste tube; and today in 1970 also saw the release of Smokey Robinson's "Tears of a Clown". Perhaps because of this, Saturday is Global Handwash Day, an event which gives me an all-too-rare opportunity to remind you of the difference between a buffalo and a bison: you can't wash your hands in a buffalo. Looks like rain, too.



I trust you noticed that too much texting can cause the painful condition known as "text neck". Others to watch out for: 1. Hush Puppy Mouth. 2. Quantitative Easing Hernia. 3. Apple Cringe. 4. BBCBBC (repetitive strain condition). 5. Ed Ache: caused by lean to right. 6. Moody's Blues: feeling let down. 7. Knox Exhaustion. 8. Fox Trots: a sudden need to go. 9. Cameron's Elbow: see 8 above. 10. Cleggy Bottom: result of sitting on something hard and narrow. Often indistinguishable from 9.



For those who take an interest in the supernatural, Wednesday, 12 October has a special significance: in 1977, the late psychic, Romark, drove a yellow Renault blindfolded down Cranbrook Road, Ilford, to demonstrate his powers; unfortunately, after 20 yards, he ran into the back of a police van. Remarkable. And fit to be set alongside another famous incident, in October 1994, when Mrs Denise Bakewell, a clairvoyant from Bracknell, had her crystal ball stolen. Spooky.



Moles: ideal breeding conditions this year are responsible for large numbers now destabilising the nation's lawns. Some humane tips: 1. Pepper. Drill it down: one sniff, one sneeze and the little chaps knock themselves out against the side of the tunnel wall, repeatedly. 2. Dig down, install a mini roundabout and mirrors. 3. They hate loud music. Try "Mole Lotta Shaking Going On", or "Let's Call The Mole Thing Off".



Finally, a new week, the worst economic crisis ever, and some wise words from Friedrich Nietzsche, born Saturday, 1844: "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of Man." Happy Monday.

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