Charles Nevin: Now over to Lord Byron for the weather

Start the week...

Share
Related Topics

Happy Monday. August already, first Christmas shopping stories up and running. Ah, well. Are you in Tuscany? Ah, well. What was it Byron said about Italian? Ah, yes: "I love the language, that soft bastard Latin, which melts like kisses from a female mouth." Exactly. And what was it Byron said about here now? Ah, yes: "The English winter – ending in July, to recommence in August." Exactly. Ah, well. My favourite description of the late romantic lord himself was in a BBC press release: "The 'mad, bad and dangerous to know' sex god aristocrat who lived fast and died young." Exactly.



A load of balls: yes, that's right, David Beckham is launching his own range of men's underwear next February. He has, I note, been working on the collection "with his team over the past year". A year to design underpants. I'm not one of those clever clogs who mock the great man, so he's clearly got something special up his trousers. X Fronts? Rapid release mechanism? Air-conditioning? A third leg hole to ease that hopping about and occasionally falling over first thing? Drip dry? Automatic lift and separator? Feel free, David.



It's fair to say, I think, that the ideas for boosting economic output suggested by Steve Hilton, the Downing Street policy adviser, have not been universally acclaimed, although I do like his wheeze to make us happier and thus more productive by using "cloud-bursting technology" to improve the weather. Now that's what I call blue-sky thinking. I myself, in the spirit of the Big Society, have more sure-fire mood lighteners and economic accelerators to offer: 1. Gold stars worked well at school. 2. Joke grants. 3. Compulsory smile emoticons. 4. Universal sticks of rock. 5. A day out with Steve Hilton. 6. Labour camps. 7. Archbishop of Canterbury road show. 8. Blue Sky Broadcasting. 9. Free dance lessons from Vince Cable. 10. More money.



Tomorrow is the 135th anniversary of the cowardly and fatal shooting of that legendary hero of the Old West, Wild Bill Hickok, in a Deadwood saloon while engaged in a game of poker. So can I just remind you never to sit with your back to the door, especially if you have a winning hand. Health and safety does have its place, you know. Happy Monday.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Senior VMware Platform Engineer - VMware / SAN / Tier3 DC

£45000 - £55000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: Senior VMware Platform En...

Recruitment Genius: Purchasing Assistant

£10000 - £16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A distributor of specialist ele...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Ledger Assistant

£17000 - £19000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A distributor of specialist ele...

Ashdown Group: Automated Tester / Test Analyst - .Net / SQL - Cheshire

£32000 per annum + pension, healthcare & 23 days holiday: Ashdown Group: A gro...

Day In a Page

Read Next
US President Barack Obama and Chinese President Xi Jinping have a drink after agreeing a deal on carbon emissions  

Beijing must face down the perils of being big and powerful – or boom may turn to bust

Peter Popham
Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook  

Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Simon Kelner
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable
Living with Alzheimer's: What is it really like to be diagnosed with early-onset dementia?

What is it like to live with Alzheimer's?

Depicting early-onset Alzheimer's, the film 'Still Alice' had a profound effect on Joy Watson, who lives with the illness. She tells Kate Hilpern how she's coped with the diagnosis
The Internet of Things: Meet the British salesman who gave real-world items a virtual life

Setting in motion the Internet of Things

British salesman Kevin Ashton gave real-world items a virtual life
Election 2015: Latest polling reveals Tories and Labour on course to win the same number of seats - with the SNP holding the balance of power

Election 2015: A dead heat between Mr Bean and Dick Dastardly!

Lord Ashcroft reveals latest polling – and which character voters associate with each leader
Audiences queue up for 'true stories told live' as cult competition The Moth goes global

Cult competition The Moth goes global

The non-profit 'slam storytelling' competition was founded in 1997 by the novelist George Dawes Green and has seen Malcolm Gladwell, Salman Rushdie and Molly Ringwald all take their turn at the mic
Pakistani women come out fighting: A hard-hitting play focuses on female Muslim boxers

Pakistani women come out fighting

Hard-hitting new play 'No Guts, No Heart, No Glory' focuses on female Muslim boxers
Leonora Carrington transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star

Surreal deal: Leonora Carrington

The artist transcended her stolid background to become an avant garde star
LGBT History Month: Pupils discuss topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage

Education: LGBT History Month

Pupils have been discussing topics from Sappho to same-sex marriage
11 best gel eyeliners

Go bold this season: 11 best gel eyeliners

Use an ink pot eyeliner to go bold on the eyes with this season's feline flicked winged liner
Cricket World Cup 2015: Tournament runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

Cricket World Cup runs riot to make the event more hit than miss...

The tournament has reached its halfway mark and scores of 300 and amazing catches abound. One thing never changes, though – everyone loves beating England
Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Heptathlete ready to jump at first major title

Katarina Johnson-Thompson: Ready to jump at first major title

After her 2014 was ruined by injury, 21-year-old Briton is leading pentathlete going into this week’s European Indoors. Now she intends to turn form into gold
Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

Climate change key in Syrian conflict

And it will trigger more war in future
How I outwitted the Gestapo

How I outwitted the Gestapo

My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
The nation's favourite animal revealed

The nation's favourite animal revealed

Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
Is this the way to get young people to vote?

Getting young people to vote

From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot