Happy Monday. No, really: today has been declared the happiest day of the year by psychologists. Something about spring coming and booking holidays. Yes, right. But do you have a Plan B? George Osborne scorns one, but you might be a touch less incautious. Here are some suggestions. 1. Banking seems to pay quite well. 2. Sky Sports, News International, Downing Street and Jordan have vacancies. 3. Offside rule counselling? 4. I have been emailed a number of interesting proposals which I could forward in return for your bank details. 5. These forestry proposals sound promising: do you have a tartan plaid shirt and an axe? 6. Brazil? 7. How's your tennis? 8. A good book. 9. The one with the green spots. 10. By the way, are you sure those sausages will defrost in time?
Crimewatch: a man has been jailed for robbing a garage in Cardiff wearing a Hallowe'en mask three days after he'd bought it there. He thus joins a distinguished group including the man who robbed the CCTV camera shop in Manchester; the bank robber in Madrid who took off his glasses to avoid being recognised and ran straight into a policeman; and the garage attendant in the United States who stole the night's takings, claimed he'd been robbed and helped compile a photofit which looked so much like him that he was arrested.
Literary Matters: Forget J D Slazenger, sorry, Salinger, and tennis, and Jonathan Swift's saucy letters: a man called Daniel Defoe has been rescued from a deserted island. True, the island is in the Firth of Forth, and he was just cut off by the tide, but even so. I would advise extreme caution if your name is Bram Stoker, Mary Shelley, Roald Dahl, Arthur Conan Doyle, H P Lovecraft, Agatha Christie or, if you don't fancy ginger beer and elves, Enid Blyton and J R R Tolkien.
Excitement in Crawley, where Pete James was surrounded by armed police after his squeegee was mistaken for a revolver while he was cleaning the windows at the wrong house. Funnily enough, 2011 is the 60th anniversary of the death of George Formby, celebrated interpreter of "When I'm Cleaning Windows" and a performer for whom Pete's unfortunate episode should clearly have been written. As it happens, another of George's songs, "Auntie Maggie's Remedy", was penned by his undertaker. Happy Monday.