Happy Monday. In America this is National No Name-Calling Week. Would you like a similar encouragement to manners and maturity over here? You would? Don't be such a coxcomical, puttocky bercow! What better way to appreciate the glories of our language than having to fire back a snappy rejoinder to someone who has requested you to "Move aside, you flap-mouthed, foot-licking coulson." Hmm... I'd go for: "No, you dankish, parrot-strangling, blathering blair". Cathartic, bracing. Survey our "island story" – the finest eras were our most insulting. NNNC Week runs from 24 to 28 January, it seems. What a load of sum-bongled, tickle-brained edballs!
Crikey. The macintosh is back, the royals are suddenly madly admired, the Festival of Britain is being remembered, and Michael Gove wants proper history: yes, we're fleeing back to the Fifties. But don't panic, just invest in my survival kit: a pipe, plenty of salad cream, the works of Kingsley Amis and a box-set of Jacques Tati. Also, be very wary of anyone expressing enthusiasm for the Goons, milky bars, Hornby trains, What's My Line and really dull Sundays. Good luck.
You decide. A new educational computer game devised by (key Fifties word) boffins in Belfast will make everyday decisions much easier, it's claimed. Alternatively, I can help: 1. Can you put it off? 2. Let's have another drink. 3. Is that the time already? 4. Is there an "R" in the month? 5. What would Nick Clegg do? 6. Heads. 7. Tails. 8. Pin. 9. Is your mum alive? 10. Check some entrails or Google it – you decide.
Eccentricity News. A touch smug, the British, on this one: we've always been big in matchstick model construction. For example, Philip Hampshire of Norwich: Norwich Cathedral, with 140,000 of them. Brian Croucher of Bognor: Dalek, 480,000. But things are moving on. Paul Janssen, of Columbus: Ohio State Stadium, 1m pieces of Lego. And Laura Bell of Michigan: Da Vinci's Last Supper recreated from tumble-dryer lint. A relief, then, to see that Martin Faulks, 33, is patrolling the streets of Norwich (see matchsticks) dressed as a Ninja warrior. Did you know that Mr Pastry was from Norwich? Who? Come on, vital for that Fifties cred. And the funniest thing on YouTube. Happy Monday.