Happy Monday. Some people, I know, will be looking forward to the Easter break already; but not you. You are focused, driven, snatching only a few moments away from the graft-success interface to read this. So here is some topical inspiration and encouragement: today is the centenary of the birth of Ivan D Coombe. Some people, I know, would be content with giving the world Just for Men hair colouring and Odor-Eaters; but Coombe wasn't: try Clearasil, Vagisil and Scratchex flea repellent. A memorial is the Odor-Eaters National Rotten Sneakers Contest, won this year by a nine-year-old from Utah. Not to be sniffed at.
Still, obviously, all work, no play etc. And if you're looking for some fun a little closer to home, there's always the Central Contracts Car Leasing Service Roundabout Idol Competition 2011: yes, you can nominate your favourite (or most hated!) roundabout; but hurry, it closes on Friday so cast your vote at www.centralcontracts.com. Or, if you have one, entries for the Cuprinol Wood Preservation Society Shed of the Year close on 16 May. If you're going on a stag do to Poland, though, I must warn you against dropping your trousers in public: Polish police are cracking down on what they claim is a uniquely British practice. I'm afraid it's the result of too many Carry On films and public schools. And you will have trouble getting away.
What's happened to that nice Mr Cameron? Oxford, laggardly street party take-up, Gaddafi, you, if you're a cut, or a surplus-to-requirement immigrant: it can't all be down to paying extra for the Ryanair sandwiches. If Dangerous Dave's really looking for trouble, I have some more suggestions: 1. Jump the queue at a Waitrose deli counter. 2. Goose Gillian Duffy. 3. Goose Vince Cable. 4. Phone Andrew Sachs. 5. Bite David Attenborough. 6. Kick Dame Judi Dench. 7. Shoot a deer. 8. Or Gillian Duffy. 9. Kiss someone in Soho. 10. Criticise Mme Sarkozy's guitar-playing.
On this day in 1930, the BBC, famously, announced that there was no news. So, just in case: 1. Burglars have stolen a tea towel from a house in New Milton. 2. Five new sets of traffic lights are being installed in Nairn. 3. A man in Cincinnati has been charged with barking at a police dog. He told police: "The dog started it." Happy Monday.