Charles Nevin: Time now for the canine o'clock news

Start the week...

Share
Related Topics

Happy Monday. Forgive me for running a bit late, but I'm celebrating the 20th anniversary two days ago of the lodging of a patent in the United States by RH Metts and BD Thomas for a watch to keep animal time as well as human time. They wanted you to be able to switch between GMT and, for example, DST (Dog Standard Time), which, of course, is seven times faster. You figure out how it works with British Summer Time, how quickly the hands would go round, and why on earth it hasn't caught on yet; I've a sudden and uncontrollable urge to take myself for a walk.



Actually, though, while we're on time, I should tell you that Michael Dean, a 59-year-old self-employed computer programmer and father of six from Brentwood, has finally been awarded his BSc by the Open University after 34 years, while a tortoise missing for two days in Devon has been found not very far away. According to my calculations, that's equivalent, in tortoise time, to how long it takes Chris Huhne to brake. Mystery, meanwhile, still surrounds how an eight-year-old cat missing from Birkenhead came to be found on the other side of the Mersey in Liverpool. There are the tunnels, of course, but that would not have allowed the Liverpool Echo the excellent headline, "Furry Cross the Mersey".



The experience of Mr Dean (above) prompts me to ponder other things that can take time: 1 Reading Gordon Brown's handwriting; 2 Reading the Archbishop of Canterbury; 3 Distinguishing between Gordon Brown and a Swedish model; 4 Considering who might have a grudge against Ed Balls;5 Working out which exam question is the wrong one; 6 Deciding exactly where to put your bat after a cruel run out; 7 Why Sepp Blatter has called in Placido Domingo rather than a fat lady; 8 Distinguishing between the Coalition and Chaos; 9 Deciding which Miliband is what; 10 No, I wouldn't bother with Sarah Palin's emails, either.



Time to remember Alexander the Great, who died, oh, 2,334 years ago today. Alexander's epitaph, reputedly, was, "A tomb now suffices for whom the world was not enough". You might prefer the epitaph WC Fields chose for himself: "On the whole, I would rather be living in Philadelphia". Happy Monday.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

English Teacher

£100 - £115 per day: Randstad Education Cardiff: Randstad Education are curren...

Web Developer (Infrastructure, JavaScript, jQuery, jQuery UI)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Web Developer (Infrastructure, JavaScript, jQuer...

DT Technician

£65 - £80 per day: Randstad Education Cardiff: DT Technician required to start...

Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Manchester - Huxley Associates

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: One of SThree's most successfu...

Day In a Page

Read Next
A man shoots at targets depicting a portrait of Russian President Vladimir Putin, in a shooting range in the center of the western Ukrainian city of Lviv  

Why do we stand by and watch Putin?

Ian Birrell
 

Daily catch-up: Underground, Overground, over the Irish Sea and clever pigs

John Rentoul
Alexander Fury: The designer names to look for at fashion week this season

The big names to look for this fashion week

This week, designers begin to show their spring 2015 collections in New York
Will Self: 'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

Will Self takes aim at Orwell's rules for writing plain English
Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Toy guns proving a popular diversion in a country flooded with the real thing
Al Pacino wows Venice

Al Pacino wows Venice

Ham among the brilliance as actor premieres two films at festival
Neil Lawson Baker interview: ‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.

Neil Lawson Baker interview

‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.
The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
The model of a gadget launch: Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed

The model for a gadget launch

Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed
Alice Roberts: She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

Alice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
Get well soon, Joan Rivers - an inspiration, whether she likes it or not

Get well soon, Joan Rivers

She is awful. But she's also wonderful, not in spite of but because of the fact she's forever saying appalling things, argues Ellen E Jones
Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

A fresh take on an old foe

Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

As the collections start, fashion editor Alexander Fury finds video and the internet are proving more attractive
Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy

Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall...

... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy
Weekend at the Asylum: Europe's biggest steampunk convention heads to Lincoln

Europe's biggest steampunk convention

Jake Wallis Simons discovers how Victorian ray guns and the martial art of biscuit dunking are precisely what the 21st century needs
Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Lying is dangerous and unnecessary. A new book explains the strategies needed to avoid it. John Rentoul on the art of 'uncommunication'
Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough? Was the beloved thespian the last of the cross-generation stars?

Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough?

The atomisation of culture means that few of those we regard as stars are universally loved any more, says DJ Taylor