Charles Nevin: Time now for the canine o'clock news

Start the week...

Share
Related Topics

Happy Monday. Forgive me for running a bit late, but I'm celebrating the 20th anniversary two days ago of the lodging of a patent in the United States by RH Metts and BD Thomas for a watch to keep animal time as well as human time. They wanted you to be able to switch between GMT and, for example, DST (Dog Standard Time), which, of course, is seven times faster. You figure out how it works with British Summer Time, how quickly the hands would go round, and why on earth it hasn't caught on yet; I've a sudden and uncontrollable urge to take myself for a walk.



Actually, though, while we're on time, I should tell you that Michael Dean, a 59-year-old self-employed computer programmer and father of six from Brentwood, has finally been awarded his BSc by the Open University after 34 years, while a tortoise missing for two days in Devon has been found not very far away. According to my calculations, that's equivalent, in tortoise time, to how long it takes Chris Huhne to brake. Mystery, meanwhile, still surrounds how an eight-year-old cat missing from Birkenhead came to be found on the other side of the Mersey in Liverpool. There are the tunnels, of course, but that would not have allowed the Liverpool Echo the excellent headline, "Furry Cross the Mersey".



The experience of Mr Dean (above) prompts me to ponder other things that can take time: 1 Reading Gordon Brown's handwriting; 2 Reading the Archbishop of Canterbury; 3 Distinguishing between Gordon Brown and a Swedish model; 4 Considering who might have a grudge against Ed Balls;5 Working out which exam question is the wrong one; 6 Deciding exactly where to put your bat after a cruel run out; 7 Why Sepp Blatter has called in Placido Domingo rather than a fat lady; 8 Distinguishing between the Coalition and Chaos; 9 Deciding which Miliband is what; 10 No, I wouldn't bother with Sarah Palin's emails, either.



Time to remember Alexander the Great, who died, oh, 2,334 years ago today. Alexander's epitaph, reputedly, was, "A tomb now suffices for whom the world was not enough". You might prefer the epitaph WC Fields chose for himself: "On the whole, I would rather be living in Philadelphia". Happy Monday.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

European Retail Sales Manager, Consumer Products

competitive + bonus + benefits: Sauce Recruitment: My client is looking for an...

Sales Director, Media Sponsorship

£60000 - £65000 per annum: Sauce Recruitment: A globally successful media and ...

Head of Affiliate Sales for Emerging Markets

competitive + benefits: Sauce Recruitment: Are you looking for your next role ...

Brand Engagement Manager - TV

£45000 - £55000 per annum: Sauce Recruitment: This is your chance to join a gl...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: out of time, polling and immigration and old words

John Rentoul
Oscar Pistorius sentencing: The athlete's wealth and notoriety have provoked a long overdue debate on South African prisons

'They poured water on, then electrified me...'

If Oscar Pistorius is sent to jail, his experience will not be that of other inmates
James Wharton: The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

Life after the Army has brought new battles for the LGBT activist James Wharton
Ebola in the US: Panic over the virus threatens to infect President Obama's midterms

Panic over Ebola threatens to infect the midterms

Just one person has died, yet November's elections may be affected by what Republicans call 'Obama's Katrina', says Rupert Cornwell
Premier League coaches join the RSC to swap the tricks of their trades

Darling, you were fabulous! But offside...

Premier League coaches are joining the RSC to learn acting skills, and in turn they will teach its actors to play football. Nick Clark finds out why
How to dress with authority: Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear

How to dress with authority

Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear
New book on Joy Division's Ian Curtis sheds new light on the life of the late singer

New book on Ian Curtis sheds fresh light on the life of the late singer

'Joy Division were making art... Ian was for real' says author Jon Savage
Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

The Bafta-winner talks Hollywood, being branded a psycho, and how Barbra Streisand is his true inspiration
Tim Minchin, interview: The musician, comedian and world's favourite ginger is on scorching form

Tim Minchin interview

For a no-holds-barred comedian who is scathing about woolly thinking and oppressive religiosity, he is surprisingly gentle in person
Boris Johnson's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Boris's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Many of us Brits still disapprove of conspicuous consumption – it's the way we were raised, says DJ Taylor
Ash frontman Tim Wheeler reveals how he came to terms with his father's dementia

Tim Wheeler: Alzheimer's, memories and my dad

Wheeler's dad suffered from Alzheimer's for three years. When he died, there was only one way the Ash frontman knew how to respond: with a heartfelt solo album
Hugh Bonneville & Peter James: 'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'

How We Met: Hugh Bonneville & Peter James

'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's heavenly crab dishes don't need hours of preparation

Bill Granger's heavenly crab recipes

Scared off by the strain of shelling a crab? Let a fishmonger do the hard work so you can focus on getting the flavours right
Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

After a remarkable conversion from reckless defender to prolific striker, Monaco's ace says he wants to make his loan deal at Old Trafford permanent
Terry Venables: Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England

Terry Venables column

Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England
The Inside Word: Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past

Michael Calvin's Inside Word

Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past