The Nation Decides, and I'm here to help with a rush of last-minute notes which I urge you to read before making your way to the polling station.
Hung out to dry
Some alarming news, first, I'm afraid: The Wurzels have left the country! I promised to bring you their official endorsement, but they'd already left when I called, leaving only the tantalising rumour that they may well be hung.
BNP see red
Weapons of mess destruction: a late surge yesterday saw a campaign previously dominated by eggs thrown wide open when Nick Griffin was hit by a volley of tomatoes in Barking. No sign yet of a combination of the two.
Worth the wait?
Fry. Stephen Fry has posted his views on the vote. They run to 5,141 words, and they reveal at the very end that he recommends... but, no, why should I spoil it for you. Besides, democracy demands effort.
Sleeves. Opinions are fiercely divided on those rolled-up sleeves of David Cameron: inspired metaphor for the task ahead? Or makes him look like a hard-pressed employee of Café Rouge? Arms are also held not to be his best feature, being hairless, underdeveloped, and – key quote – looking "as if he's never done anything more manual than sign a cheque".
Not so Street smart
Street. Ed Balls has been promoting Labour's latest celebrity backer: Liz Dawn, aka Vera Duckworth of Coronation Street. Sadly, Ed's street cred is slightly buffeted by his apparent belief that Vera is still in it, when any true man of the people would know as an article of faith that she passed away peacefully and uncharacteristically in episode 6,734 on Friday 18 January, 2008. Just time to give you my all-time favourite Corrie quote, from old soldier Percy Sugden, an inspiration for any campaign: "When you've made gravy under gunfire, you can do anything."
The key issues
Keys. A minor point, but, as you will have learnt by now, I have a certain rigour. And all this stuff about "the keys to Downing Street" being spouted about from D Cameron down betrays a certain innocence and lengthy absence from the centre of power. Even I know that the door at Downing Street does not have a keyhole, which was, I am led to believe, the only reason that Tony Blair never had Sir David Frost in for that programme of his. Next!
Born to rule
Straw. Finally, I have been promising you a crucial, highly revealing and possibly game-breaking anecdote about Jack Straw. Here it is: I am reliably informed that, at the age of 11, in Loughton, Essex, Straw informed the operator of an ice cream van that sounding his chimes after 7pm was illegal. You decide.Reuse content