Nevin's Notes: 08/05/2010

An alternative take on the election
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The Independent Online

Hanging out

Well. Hung. In an exclusive poll for these Notes, I have been talking to the people whose everyday life is intimately involved with this fashionably suspended state.

First, Simon Wood, manager of the Well Hung Meat Company, Buckfastleigh, Devon: "I don't mind it, personally. The nation is clearly undecided, and compromise is often the best way, whether it be business, private life, or politics." Next, Sue McHugh, Hung & Drawn, curtains and soft furnishing, Linlithgow, West Lothian: In favour, but would prefer Labour-Lib Dem. Finally, Julia Duncan and Keith Christopher of the Hanging Stone Boarding Kennels, Stanley, County Durham: One for Con-led coalition, one for Lab-led coalition, and so, well, hung. Note: Simon Wood is offering free meat boxes to the two leaders who coalesce first, but I fear this might bring us all before the frighteningly efficient Electoral Commission.

Who were you again?

Farewell. And now, to keep the excitement turned up to maximum febrility, here is a special Notes Quiz. Can you identify these fallen titans with the aid of the following words and phrases? The first one to identify them all should shout out "No House!" and will be given the chance to form the next government. Ready: asteroids, name like an anagram, glug, glug, 88 pence, Biggles, The Cheeky Song, Isobars, 41 burglars, 20 drug importers, "We don't know exactly where everybody is... I know where about 100 of those 1,000 now are, and we are going through the most urgent cases." Well done! Further notes: Do you think it significant that: 1. Jacqui Smith's victorious opponent was called Lumley; 2. Charles Clarke's conqueror also has quite prominent ears?

Winner takes all

Not Hello. Some promising contributors to the the great cause of cheering us all up sadly failed to achieve election: George Galloway, Esther Rantzen, and Harry Hamilton, for a start. Harry was the Conservative Unionist candidate in Upper Bann who's also Freddie Mercury in a Queen tribute band. But favourites Jacob Rees-Mogg and Richard Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax both made it. And Ian Paisley Junior seems most promising. This was part of his acceptance speech: "If any arrogance is seen, it's only because we have the confidence of a great God." Splendid. And then there's his nickname: Baby Doc.

Trot along

All getting too much for you? And it's going to be another tough weekend. Might I suggest a touch of relaxation with someone who made a very smart call early on in the campaign? Truro, Saturday, 1pm to 4pm, Sunday 10am to 1pm, a live performance and party hosted by none other than Peppa Pig. Alternatively, there's a Celeb-ration of Steam at Portsmouth Dockyard. Good luck, everybody!