Nevin's Notes (09/04/10)

An alternative take on the election

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* Celebrity! Well, thank goodness for the intervention of that titan of the silver screen and acute political thinker, Sir Michael Caine, as things had been worryingly quiet, apart, of course, from the Wurzels promising me a decision on their support by 6 May. Sir M having so boldly strode centre stage, I rushed to the other parties to learn who will be scattering stardust over their important proposals. Remarkably, I'm still waiting for Labour and the Lib Dems to get back; anybody would think they had something better to do. Meanwhile, the Conservatives, roaring ahead, have offered me Ken Barlow from Coronation Street, and, possibly, Cilla Black. No wonder I detected a certain satisfaction in Edinburgh, where the SNP are even now preparing to launch the country's most famous expatriate Patriot missile, Sir Sean Connery. Fittingly, they are keeping exact details under their, ah, wraps. Also, and excitingly, following D Cameron's stated preference to BBC Radio Derby for Jordan over Peter Andre, I have approached both of them for their endorsements. Stay with me.

* Missing! Still, as I write, no sign of any national platforms for Chris Grayling, Tory shadow spokesman for home affairs including who can sleep there. He was last heard of in Corby helping Louise Bagshawe, candidate and femme de lettres, with her campaign, and may still be there, although I have been unable to find any B&Bs there that don't take gays. I wonder if he also has with him Sir Peter Gershon and Dr Martin Read, the former government efficiency advisers now helping the Tories, who seem unanxious to to be closely questioned over where they found this extra £12bn savings for George Osborne. Come to think of it, nothing's been heard from George, either, since he sank a half at a Bedford brewery on Tuesday. But I'm assured he will be back.

* Policy review! How disappointing, especially after the Sir Michael Caine excitement, to find the BNP failing to mention their arresting proposal last time out, the one about all adults who have completed their compulsory national service being required to keep an assault rifle at home. Would have been great fun on Bonfire Night, for example, or after a lively barbecue. I regret to report, too, that the Monster Raving Loony Party's programme is looking a touch tired, although I do like the proposition that all socks should be sold in packs of three as a precaution against losing one.

* Frisson! That's what ran through Bloomsbury yesterday after the Prime Minister's shock revelation that he intends to write lots of books if his country and party decide they have no further call for his services. It's obviously early days but already there are some thoughts on several surefire winners: 1 Stand By Your Man by Sarah Brown (with copious if slightly repetitious footnotes by J G Brown). 2 Mrs Brown, You've Got a Lovely Torte! Dessert Delights from the Nation's Favourite Bravest Wife (with facsimile handwritten recipes by J G Brown). 3 The Kirkcaldy Code, by J G Brown, in which an intrepid political researcher attempts to decipher some handwritten recipes, with suprising results that threaten the very survival of the Manse bring-and-buy. 4 Balls! You Say Exogenous, I Say Endogenous, by Ed Balls (as dictated to J G Brown). 5 The Journey: Some Interesting Experiences on the No 15 from Kirkcaldy to Cowdenbeath (via Lochgelly), by J G Brown (with J Krankie).

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