Nevin's Notes: (10/04/2010)

An alternative take on the election

Related Topics

*Chips! Worrying news from that doyen of political correspondents, Mr Chris Moncrieff, of the Press Association: despite my confident early predictions, he has disclosed a distressing absence of baby kissing in this election so far.

For goodness sake, candidates, pucker up: do democratic traditions mean nothing to you? Besides, the baby is a highly useful guide to political personalities. I remember seeing one on the Shetland Islands burst into tears even though the rapidly closing Mrs Thatcher was still a good five yards away. Some consolation, though, I thought, from Stevenage, where the Labour candidate, Sharon Taylor, was reporting on her website that the Prime Minister, in a gracious nod to hallowed campaign ritual, visited a fish and chip shop yesterday. But when I contacted WJ Rowe in Bedwell Crescent, they said they hadn't seen him. You decide, as you must on 6 May, what this means.

*Identification Parade. Disappointingly, a clear identikit target voter belonging to a crucial demographic, successor to the famed Mondeo Man and Worcester Woman, has yet to emerge. This is my exclusive popularity poll of the current candidates, obtained by manual inputting, prime digital activity and exhaustive electronic research. 1. Morrisons Mums (it's a supermarket, Sam). 2. Motorway Man. 3. Lambrini Lady (S: it's a perry favoured by young females north of Badminton, available in a handy three-litre box). 4. Wii Woman (small, pale, faraway look, bruised knuckles). 5. Remote Bloke (sofa prices crucial). 6. Wonder Woman (rapidly revolving voter). 7. Milk Man. 8. Burger King. 9. Harman. 10. Labour-Supporting FTSE 100 Company Boss.

*Flushed! If you had any doubt about the influence of these jottings, please note that I had only to mention the worrying absence of Sir Peter Gershon, the Tory efficiency adviser, for him to rush forward and cough. Let's see if it works with the following: Stuart MacLennan, Geoff Hoon, Damian McBride, Sir Peter Viggers, Norman Scott, Shergar, Commander Buster Crabb and Chris Grayling.

*Celebrity News. We are still waiting, in varied degrees of excitement, for the endorsements of Jordan, Peter Andre and The Wurzels. In other updates: the Vicar in Emmerdale, Labour; Mick Jagger's brother has been pictured with Paddy Ashdown; and this, from Heather Mills: "Many people love the Liberal Democrats but think, 'What's the point?' But if they all voted they would make a difference." Nick: don't go there, please. But wait: this just in, from Lib Dem HQ: "Daniel Radcliffe, Colin Firth, Brian Eno, Floella Benjamin, Dr Brian Cox, Jonathan Ross's wife Jane Goodman, director of hit film KickAss, and Sandi Toksvig." Crikey. No wonder Labour has gone quiet.

*Ominous. The Prime Minister, who definitely did visit Stevenage, had clearly been swotting up on the town's successful Conference Premier football team, due to defend their FA Trophy at Wembley two days after the Election. This is a worrying, given his renowned anti-Midasian effect. Unsurprisingly, when I spoke to Colin Peake, vice-chairman of Stevenage Borough's opponents today, Forest Green Rovers, he confirmed that the news of Mr Brown's interest in Stevenage had given his boys a lift: so much so that they will be focusing on it in the dressing room before the match. But will it be enough to make up for a 20-place difference in the league, away? See you on Monday.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Maths Teacher

£85 - £125 per day: Randstad Education Chester: Job Opportunity for Secondary ...

C# Developer - West Sussex - permanent - £40k - £50k

£40000 - £50000 Per Annum + excellent benefits package: Clearwater People Solu...

SQL Report Analyst (SSRS, CA, SQL 2012)

£30000 - £38500 Per Annum + 25 days holiday, pension, subsidised restaurant: C...

Project Manager (infrastructure, upgrades, rollouts)

£38000 - £45000 Per Annum + excellent benefits package: Clearwater People Solu...

Day In a Page

Read Next
“You're running away!” Nick said to me the other night as I tried to leave the hospital  

In Sickness and in Health: ‘There’s nothing I want more than to have you at home, but you’re not well’

Rebecca Armstrong

Daily catch-up: Ed Miliband on low pay; Alan Johnson on Betjeman; Tom Freeman on editing

John Rentoul
A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world
Apple still coolest brand – despite U2 PR disaster

Apple still the coolest brand

Despite PR disaster of free U2 album
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments