Nevin's Notes (22/04/10)

An alternative take on the election
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The Independent Online

Shelled suit

Egg! Well, we're into the full retro election mode now. David Cameron demands change then gets attacked by the same old chicken, and has now come under fire from an even more traditional campaign dairy feature, an egg. Where is this fairness we've been promised? Mindful of the reputation of these notes for eggsceptional research, I approached Mrs Julie Hewitt, of Rosedown Farm, St Wenn, for info from the, er, horse's mouth on Cornish eggs. Mrs Hewitt told me that not only were they the finest tasting, but they made the best missiles, being more torpedo-shaped and big. And when we say big, we mean the third biggest egg laid ever, 8in round and over 7oz. "The hen laid one more, even bigger, but it cracked," said Mrs Hewitt. She added, perhaps unnecessarily: "It never laid any more." Mrs Hewitt did not condone violence, but felt that the three main parties were offering chicken farmers over-regulation or nothing. All are welcome to visit her, and can approach without fear. Note: Mrs Hewitt's egg is now on display in the Natural History Museum in Tring.

Gherkin hell

Chips! This leads us on to that less phlegmatic eggee, John Prescott, who has so far had a blessedly non-violent campaign, distinguished by a one-man effort to maintain customary political chip consumption (and who knows how much salt, vinegar and avocado dip). Shame on others for not sharing his enthusiasm, especially the SNP's Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon. Meanwhile, my chip shop pollster, Mr Amir Amrabadi of Mr Crispins, Bristol, says his punters have swung behind the Lib Dems since the TV debate. Hope and change are in the air, he says, along with the delicious scent of saveloy and pickle, obviously. By the way, did you know that the Prescott Chip is a sophisticated computer component? Next!

How could they tell?

Dead heat. All candidates will be interested in a salutary tale from Tracy City, Tennessee, where a dead man has been elected mayor. Carl Geary beat the present mayor, Barbara Brock, by 85 votes. Brock thought she had done a good job, but said "voters wanted a return to the past".

Gorgeous George

Anxious analysis has followed the appearance of George Osborne with his hair parted on the left in the chancellors' debate. I consulted my consultant, veteran of many campaigns, Dr Chad Ballot. Chad? "Tough one. Could be a coded appeal to the Lib Dems, move from centre to left. Could be attempt at old-fashioned values, or a double double bluff on the youth thing. Maybe his comb slipped. Maybe he hasn't worked out how to use a mirror. Nothing like it since Pitt the Younger." But, I said, I thought that was a wig. "Osborne's wearing a wig? Get me Ladbrokes!" Hmm. I shall be consulting a panel of hairdressers for their views on how the leaders' hair performs tonight. Next!