Nevin's Notes:(12/04/2010)

An alternative take on the election

Share
Related Topics

*
On the Doorstep (1). Hot news from Luton South, where the fearlessly independent Esther Rantzen has already encountered two naked men while canvassing. Difficult to say who got the greatest shock, although Esther does reveal that the second one "was pierced so unexpectedly" that she was "rendered completely speechless". This must not only be a first, but also, sadly, prevented her from asking him if he had any oddly shaped root vegetables.



*Law and Order. Your sympathy, please, for Shaun Woodward, Northern Ireland Secretary: thieves have stolen 14 copper drain pipes from his home in East Hampton, New York. Is it, I hear you ask, in the distinctive style pioneered by That's Life, the programme he used to make with Esther (see above), his second home? No, I understand it is, in fact, his seventh home, worth £7m, which must be a useful aide-memoire. Why have copper drain pipes ? They're a status symbol in the Hamptons. Are they a funny shape? Stop it. Was he there? No, he seldom visits, apparently, although this might be about to change.



* On the Doorstep (2). How pleasing to be able to write: "In this Election, two of our children are contesting Somerset seats". Thus Lord Rees-Mogg, the quondam Times editor. Jacob R-M is standing in Somerset North East, Annunziata for neighbouring and similarly marginal Somerton and Frome. Both have so far resisted their leader's advice to follow his example and shorten their names, even though, to my ear, Nancy and Jake Mogg have a fine demotic ring. How's it going? Well, last week The Sunday Times failed to find either of them out on the stump; and this is His Lordship, in the Mail on Sunday: "As an observer, I have been out with Tory canvassers. Somerset is not immune to the national disillusionment with politicians". Not that well, then.

*Celebrity! Unaccountably, the Lib Dems failed to tell me that another of their celebrity backers is Colin Fry, a renowned psychic sometimes known as "the Happy Medium". Colin: you know what I'm thinking: Victor Chandler is offering 150-1 on the Lib Dems. So get in touch; I won't mention that alleged incident when the lights were suddenly switched on in 1992.



*Curses! I think things are beginning to turn round for the Prime Minister. Despite my fears about his famed reverse mid-asian effect (otherwise known as The Touch of Doom), Gordon's close interest in Stevenage Borough FC failed to produce a defeat for the Conference Premier league leaders at home by Forest Green Rovers on Saturday. But wait, what is this? "The Labour leader's flight back from Scotland to Stansted was delayed for half an hour on the tarmac at Edinburgh after the plane's computer system needed to be re-booted". No, very sensibly, he didn't bet on the National.



*Pucker! My search for a kissed baby continues, relentlessly. An item in the Daily Star was promising – "And the baby kissing gets under way" – but close perusal of Mr Cameron's favourite newspaper (as noted to John Humphrys) revealed that the Tory leader had only puckered at Kingston Hospital. There were reports, too, that Gordon Brown had kissed one outside a pasty shop in Kirkcaldy on Saturday, but we have high standards of proof in this space. Eyewitness reports and snaps, please!



cnevin@nevinsltd.co.uk

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + Uncapped Commission, 1st yr OTE £30-£40k : SThree:...

Middleware Support Analyst

£45000 - £50000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is curr...

Senior Java Developer/Designer

£400 - £450 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: My client are looking fo...

Domino Developer and Administrator

£40000 - £45000 Per Annum + benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Domino ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Medical staff members burn clothes belonging to patients suffering from Ebola, at the French medical NGO Medecins Sans Frontieres (MSF) in Monrovia  

The reality of Ebola: Buckets of chlorine in the streets, and no one shakes hands any more

Patrick Jamiru
Good2Go is the sexual consent app  

Good2Go: It's proper Sex and Relationships Education that will help end assault, not an iPhone app

Sian Norris
Italian couples fake UK divorce scam on an ‘industrial scale’

Welcome to Maidenhead, the divorce capital of... Italy

A look at the the legal tourists who exploited our liberal dissolution rules
Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

The vintage series has often been criticised for racial stereotyping
An app for the amorous: Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?

An app for the amorous

Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?
Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid. Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?

Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid

Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?
Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

After a few early missteps with Chekhov, her acting career has taken her to Hollywood. Next up is a role in the BBC’s gangster drama ‘Peaky Blinders’
She's having a laugh: Britain's female comedians have never had it so good

She's having a laugh

Britain's female comedians have never had it so good, says stand-up Natalie Haynes
Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LED lights designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows

Let there be light

Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LEDs designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows
Great British Bake Off, semi-final, review: Richard remains the baker to beat

Tensions rise in Bake Off's pastry week

Richard remains the baker to beat as Chetna begins to flake
Paris Fashion Week, spring/summer 2015: Time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris

A look to the future

It's time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris
The 10 best bedspreads

The 10 best bedspreads

Before you up the tog count on your duvet, add an extra layer and a room-changing piece to your bed this autumn
Arsenal vs Galatasaray: Five things we learnt from the Emirates

Arsenal vs Galatasaray

Five things we learnt from the Gunners' Champions League victory at the Emirates
Stuart Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

This deal gives England a head-start to prepare for 2019 World Cup, says Chris Hewett
Ebola outbreak: The children orphaned by the virus – then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection

The children orphaned by Ebola...

... then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection
Pride: Are censors pandering to homophobia?

Are censors pandering to homophobia?

US film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence
The magic of roundabouts

Lords of the rings

Just who are the Roundabout Appreciation Society?