Cooper Brown: He's Out There

'Daddy lays into me. I am crude and ignorant, apparently, and have nothing to offer his daughter'

Share

According to Victoria's dad, my behaviour at her 30th birthday party was "totally unacceptable" and I must desist from seeing his daughter. Jesus Christ! What the hell kind of country have I arrived in? It feels like I'm in some kind of medieval Jane Austen scenario. So I got a bit zippy on the happy juice? So frickin' what? It was a party! Victoria left early and I danced like a dude until dawn. I'm from LA, what did she expect?

Supposedly, the real problem was that the house I ended up in belonged to Tara Palmer-Tompkinson, a close friend of The Prince Charles and with whom Victoria has something of a history. How am I supposed to know the intricate social history of everyone in the city and whether they have ever had a falling out with my girlfriend? I'm not judgmental. I just want to have a good time all the time, in the words of Spinal Tap.

Anyway, four o'clock the next afternoon and I'm feeling very fragile when the Blackberry beeps - it's Victoria's dad and he launches into this verbal assault on the Coop. It ends up with him insisting that I meet him at his club. This is a snotty place off Piccadilly Circus where the doorman looks me up and down like I'm vermin. I meet "daddy" in a little, green leather-lined bar. He doesn't even bother to order a drink, nothing, he just lays into me straight off the bat. I am, apparently, a "crude, ignorant young man" who has "nothing to offer" Victoria. Well fuck him. Cooper likes a challenge and he sniffs the odour of a gauntlet thrown on the ground.

Victoria will only know that her dad had this "chat" with me when she reads this, so let's see whose side she's really on. It's war, old man, and Cooper's a Green Beret.

Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Apart from all that it's been an amazing week. I finally started work. I turned up to the office on Monday to find that I've got an incredibly hot PA chick called Danielle. This cheered up my week straight away. Ben came round to hang and fell in love instantly. She is, he informs me, "a total Essex slapper". This, according to Ben, is good news and he takes me off for a celebratory lunch. I ask Danielle to come with us but she declines. Good to know someone's going to be doing some work in the Cooper office!

Ben has got me fast-track membership of the Groucho Club. This is a private members' club that got its name from Groucho Marx, who said he'd never join a club that would let him join. My kind of place. It's full of producers and creatives doing business the man's way - over a couple of drinks and a cigar. I spotted a couple of guys I knew from LA and tried to look as established as possible as Ben and I nursed a couple of large vodkas at the bar. I wanted the word to hit the Hills that Cooper's doing just fine in London town.

Over a long lunch Ben told me about this idea he's got to set up this sports car rally from London to Beijing. He says that it used to be a really big event and he's going to revive it and get lots of sponsorship and access to a plentiful supply of cool cars. I told him that I was in, no question. Cooper and the Maserati might be going to China - that would make Victoria's pop happy!

I found out a bit more about Ben's income, a constant puzzle to me. He told me that his grandfather was one of the first people to buy up big old UK companies, strip them down and sell them off bit by bit. He became one of the 10 wealthiest people in Britain. This explains why Ben is not that career driven. I like Ben a lot, he's not as angst-ridden as most of you Brits. He's a great guy to have as a best "mate", as the Cockneys put it.

We spend a good part of the afternoon in the Groucho and I meet the guy from The Office, Ricky Gervais, who's holding court in the bar. He's a really funny man. He showed me this book of drawings he'd done of stupid animals for children. It's sold over half a million copies!!! Looks like you can sell any old shit over here. Cooper's going to have a go at writing some children's literature. Should take me about 10 minutes. Expect to see it in the stores by Christmas!

Seriously though, Ricky told me about his merchandising deals, and this is the way to go. He'd read my column and suggested I do something like a T-shirt to promote it. I swear this was his idea! No sooner said than done. I got Danielle to order up some Cooper T-shirts and they are now available to purchase at a very reasonable rate. All money made from the sales will go to a charity (Gas for Cooper's Maserati Fund). I think they're really cool and if I meet anyone wearing one I'll take them out for a night out on the town - Cooper style.

Victoria just Blackberried me. She sounds cool. I think the old man thing will blow over and I'm seeing her tonight. We're going out in Notting Hill Gate, my area, which is a big give from her as she thinks it's got "very common" because of American trash like me. You've got to love her. We're going to a restaurant called E&O that became famous because they told Mick Jagger to fuck off when he turned up without a reservation. Bet they let the Cooper in.

scoopercooper@gmail.com www.myspace.com/scoopercooper

Cooper has donated 100 of his exclusive T-shirts for us to give away.For your chance to wear one this summer, send your name and address to:

Cooper Brown
T-Shirt offer
PO Box 55705
London E14 1AQ

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Massage Therapist / Sports Therapist

£12000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A opportunity has arisen for a ...

Ashdown Group: Practice Accountant - Bournemouth - £38,000

£32000 - £38000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A successful accountancy practice in...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped commission: SThree: Does earning a 6 figu...

Recruitment Genius: SEO Executive

£18000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: A widow’s tale with an unexpected twist

John Rentoul
 

For all his faults, Russell Brand is utterly sincere, something politicians should emulate

Janet Street-Porter
The saffron censorship that governs India: Why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression

The saffron censorship that governs India

Zareer Masani reveals why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression
Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Supreme Court rules Dominic Grieve's ministerial veto was invalid
Distressed Zayn Malik fans are cutting themselves - how did fandom get so dark?

How did fandom get so dark?

Grief over Zayn Malik's exit from One Direction seemed amusing until stories of mass 'cutting' emerged. Experts tell Gillian Orr the distress is real, and the girls need support
The galaxy collisions that shed light on unseen parallel Universe

The cosmic collisions that have shed light on unseen parallel Universe

Dark matter study gives scientists insight into mystery of space
The Swedes are adding a gender-neutral pronoun to their dictionary

Swedes introduce gender-neutral pronoun

Why, asks Simon Usborne, must English still struggle awkwardly with the likes of 's/he' and 'they'?
Disney's mega money-making formula: 'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan

Disney's mega money-making formula

'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan
Lobster has gone mainstream with supermarket bargains for £10 or less - but is it any good?

Lobster has gone mainstream

Anthea Gerrie, raised on meaty specimens from the waters around Maine, reveals how to cook up an affordable feast
Easter 2015: 14 best decorations

14 best Easter decorations

Get into the Easter spirit with our pick of accessories, ornaments and tableware
Paul Scholes column: Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season

Paul Scholes column

Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season
Inside the Kansas greenhouses where Monsanto is 'playing God' with the future of the planet

The future of GM

The greenhouses where Monsanto 'plays God' with the future of the planet
Britain's mild winters could be numbered: why global warming is leaving UK chillier

Britain's mild winters could be numbered

Gulf Stream is slowing down faster than ever, scientists say
Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Donation brings total raised by Homeless Veterans campaign to at least £1.25m
Oh dear, the most borrowed book at Bank of England library doesn't inspire confidence

The most borrowed book at Bank of England library? Oh dear

The book's fifth edition is used for Edexcel exams
Cowslips vs honeysuckle: The hunt for the UK’s favourite wildflower

Cowslips vs honeysuckle

It's the hunt for UK’s favourite wildflower
Child abuse scandal: Did a botched blackmail attempt by South African intelligence help Cyril Smith escape justice?

Did a botched blackmail attempt help Cyril Smith escape justice?

A fresh twist reveals the Liberal MP was targeted by the notorious South African intelligence agency Boss