Cooper Brown: He's Out There

'Are you guys replacing intimacy with friends with dumb animals? I really hope that's as far as it goes'
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The Independent Online

Flew back from Morocco having had to leave Ben in the care of an elderly family servant. He recovered slightly from our night-time adventures but, when it came to flying back, he went mental at the mention of airplanes and started screaming stuff out of the window at every Moroccan he saw. He was insane, saying things like, "He's got a bomb!" and "Get him off the plane, he's going to blow." This was just at his own family house in Marrakech so God knows what he would have been like on the plane. We all agreed that it was best to leave him there. I really had to get back as I had to attend Victoria's sister's birthday party.

She had wanted a party at London Zoo (she's an "explorer" which means that she sometimes visits places with no electricity but won't stay the night). Personally I think she is rather too old for a party at a zoo but she's very like that and, like Victoria, what she wants, she gets. So we all hopped on a series of decorated double-decker buses and headed off to see the mangy animals in cages.

When we got there the birthday girl was having an orgasm. She's a real attention seeker and everyone cheered and hollered as we got off the bus and made our way through the unbelievably highly priced entrance gates. I have to admit that I love having places to myself. I don't really dig zoos as I don't like most animals, but seeing kids and parents turned away at the door while the Cooperman just sails in feels real special.

We were all supposed to hooch around for an hour and then meet up near the penguin pool. You can sponsor a penguin and the parents had bought every single available one for her. She was going to have to name them all which was definitely going to tax her over-worked little brain. Next time you visit the zoo, don't be surprised if there are penguins called Fluffy and Plump-lumps etc. It's pathetic but let's move on.

I went straight to the monkey house. As I said, I don't really dig animals but I do love monkeys. They're just funny, weird little critters. I'm trying to buy one on eBay at the moment. It's a squirrel monkey and I'm going to give it to Victoria as an engagement present. She's just like her sister, nuts on animals. Down in the country the parents have got about 50 dogs, the place looks like a dog pound. It's a real British thing and I can never quite get a handle on it. Are you guys replacing intimacy with family and friends with dumb animals? I know they're cute and fluffy and all that, but I really hope that that's as far as it goes.

Anyway, so I'm at the monkey house and the little hairy fuckers are hurling themselves around the cage like a couple of ninjas on acid. Like everyone else, I pretend that I'm not fascinated by their shiny, bald, pink asses when actually you're just thinking, what is that about? You can't take your eyes off them. I start doing my party piece - you get eye contact with one of them and if you retain it and start to make hand gestures, they mirror your moves exactly. I learnt this off an old buddy called Ford who dropped out of Berkeley and went to work at San Diego Zoo. He was a total stoner and we'd go in there after hours, pipe up and do weird shit with the primates. Ford knew everything there was to know about monkeys. The guy could have probably worked for Nasa or something but, no, he wanted to work with monkeys. What an idiot. He's dead now, slipped when feeding the performing seals and fell 10ft, head-first, right on to some concrete. Guess he wanted to go doing what he loved but it was a bit dumb.

Anyways, so I get eye contact with this big hairy guy and I start giving him the bird and doing all kinds of shit and these friends of the birthday girl are laughing and it's all pretty cool. Suddenly the little bugger loses eye contact, puts his hand up his ass produces a serious size turd which he pitches at me, hitting me right over the plate. I'm totally covered in this stuff and it STINKS, like real bad, terrible stinkiness. Everyone around me gets all grossed out and I'm wandering around trying to find a towel or something, looking like I'm in the middle of some dirty protest. When I finally find a zoo "official" instead of assisting me, he decides to have me ejected from the zoo for "harassing the primates".

I'm frickin' furious at this. I'm harassing the primates? It's not me that's putting them in cages and charging people to come and gawp at them. Monkeys are funny. What did they expect me to do, read them a book, teach them to ice-skate? Everyone makes faces and stuff at monkeys, that's what they're for.

This Nazi doesn't give a shit and he physically frog marches me out of the front gates right in front of the future in-laws. They're all just watching their future son-in-law with monkey shit all over his face hurling profanities at a man holding him in an arm-lock. I have to admit it didn't look too good and Victoria is, once again, really pissed with me. I think I'm going to have to make it a very strong rule not to attend any of her family functions as I always screw up, although technically, it was the monkey not me but I'm not going down that road. Cooper Out.;