Cooper Brown: He's Out There

'I push past the elf. Suddenly I'm in this tacky cave where the bearded one is sitting on his plastic throne'

Share
Related Topics

Uh-oh, Coop's in trouble again, and big time. It's just because it's Christmas. I like all the parties and stuff but I can't stand the frickin' fakery of having to give presents to everyone you've ever shooken hands with. You go out on a shopping blitzkrieg, throwing any old shit into your groaning basket, watching your credit card melt as you get more and more desperate to finish this whole nightmare. Crappy chocolates, unfunny books, horrible, cheap, box sets of spa stuff, more and more stuff by Ricky Gervais (how much stuff can this guy fire out? He must have some sort of Damien Hirst-like factory line producing it). No one wants any of this garbage. No one ever asked for any it. Yet everyone has to go through this ludicrous rigmarole of "giving." I don't want Shit's Miscellany or bubble bath any other time of the year so what makes people think that I need some now?

It's just like the stupid system of "rounds" you have over here in bars. The idea is that "your round" indicates that you're being generous and buying everyone a drink. However, if you accept other people's rounds but don't buy "a round" yourself then you're accused of being a tightwad. The whole system is therefore totally false. It's not about selflessly offering friends a drink. It's about offering one whilst expecting one back otherwise they put a sign up in the pub telling everyone that you're a paedophile, at least that's what happened with me at Ben's local. It's just like this Christmas charade. Why don't we all just refuse to accept any present that is worth less than £100? That way everyone would be forced to decide whether they really wanted to give that person a present or not. Setting the bar at £100 would really sort the wheat from the chuff. Victoria's mum keeps using this expression, what does it mean? I know what the sentiment is but where does it come from? Answers on a postcard please to someonewhogivesashiti.enotme.com

I went to a hellhole called Whiteley's Shopping Centre to get my Christmas duties out of the way. It's a big mall near the Cooperdome and I was hoping that I could get everything sorted in one sweep. I have a clever plan for the in-laws. I'm going to tell them that I've given the amount of money that I would have spent on them to charity. They won't dare protest and I won't dare reveal that the charity is for the benefit of a certain Mr Cooper Dakota Brown Improvement Fund. Good plan huh!

I've got to start writing for a different paper. The very fact that I can announce my devious plans in here safe in the knowledge that no one my in-laws know will read it makes me slightly uneasy. Actually, maybe I should just get some new in-laws...only kidding, sort of. The father called this paper "the voice of Satan" last weekend. Anyway, I'm wandering around this consumerdome- Whiteleys, and I can't move for Arabs. It's like downtown Jeddah. I can't help wondering what it is that they're all shopping for? It's not like Christmas is going to affect them? I have a little sneak peek into Marks and Spencers just to check that our Levantine friends are not all stockpiling food and water. If these guys know something, then I want to be in on the plan. Everything appears normal and I return to Defcom One.

I go into this lingerie store. There's no point getting Victoria any as she'd need some hippo range of panties at the moment but I reckon that a sexy little set for Danielle, my assistant, could pay off in the long run. Her insane boyfriend is back in prison and she's been a lot nicer to me recently. I think she gets the Coop now and there's no harm in keeping the workforce happy. I spend 10 pleasurable minutes in the place before the assistant starts to give me that lesbian "what are you doing in here" look that normally forces me to buy loads of stuff to prove that I'm not on pervert duties.

I refuse to succumb to her deviant pressure so I leave and find myself under the central dome of the mall. There's a huge Christmas tree/grotto affair and there's a little queue of kids waiting to see Father Christmas. I have a brainwave. I'll go see the bearded offender and get a free present off him that I'll use to give to Victoria's niece. Genius, I think to myself. So I ignore the looks from a couple of Burberried single moms and stand in the queue. I finally get to the front, only to find this little chav elf who tells me that I have to be with a child to get in.

I push past and suddenly I'm in this tacky, blue-lit cave where the bearded one is sitting on his plastic throne. He looks surprised and asks me in a Cockney accent whether I have any children with me? I tell him that I've got one on the way and that he should just hand over the present as I have stuff to do. At this moment, the elf bursts in and tries to drag me out. I end up with the elf in a headlock and Father Christmas hitting me over the head with a plastic reindeer antler. Security is called and I am frickin' arrested!! I'm taken to a little mall prison before the police come and take me away.

I'm told that I have an anger management problem. I tell them that I have Christmas Rage and that they must have better things to do, like arresting criminals, but they don't listen to me and I spend a whole afternoon and night in a police cell. I now have another court date after Christmas. I've gotta write a book about this shit. If Jeffery Archer can get away with it then so can the Coop. Happy Fuckin' Christmas. Cooper out.

scoopercooper@gmail.com; www.myspace.com/scoopercooper

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Account Manager / Media Sales - OTE up to £30,000

£20000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This award-winning company, whi...

Recruitment Genius: Senior Software Developer

£40000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a unique & exciting opp...

Recruitment Genius: UX Consultant

£35000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: You will be working with a 8 st...

Recruitment Genius: Part-time Editor

£8000 - £12000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A unique opportunity has arisen ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The economics of the stock market is simple really: buy and hold

Ben Chu
Jeb Bush's campaign will emphasise both his conservative record as a former governor of Florida and his commitment to building a more inclusive Republican Party  

American democracy is up for sale, and it’s a warning to us all

Shirley Williams
Orthorexia nervosa: How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition

Orthorexia nervosa

How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition
Lady Chatterley is not obscene, says TV director

Lady Chatterley’s Lover

Director Jed Mercurio on why DH Lawrence's novel 'is not an obscene story'
Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests

Set a pest to catch a pest

Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests
Mexico: A culture that celebrates darkness as an essential part of life

The dark side of Mexico

A culture that celebrates darkness as an essential part of life
Being sexually assaulted was not your fault, Chrissie Hynde. Don't tell other victims it was theirs

Being sexually assaulted was not your fault, Chrissie Hynde

Please don't tell other victims it was theirs
A nap a day could save your life - and here's why

A nap a day could save your life

A midday nap is 'associated with reduced blood pressure'
If men are so obsessed by sex, why do they clam up when confronted with the grisly realities?

If men are so obsessed by sex...

...why do they clam up when confronted with the grisly realities?
The comedy titans of Avalon on their attempt to save BBC3

Jon Thoday and Richard Allen-Turner

The comedy titans of Avalon on their attempt to save BBC3
The bathing machine is back... but with a difference

Rolling in the deep

The bathing machine is back but with a difference
Part-privatised tests, new age limits, driverless cars: Tories plot motoring revolution

Conservatives plot a motoring revolution

Draft report reveals biggest reform to regulations since driving test introduced in 1935
The Silk Roads that trace civilisation: Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places

The Silk Roads that trace civilisation

Long before the West rose to power, Asian pathways were connecting peoples and places
House of Lords: Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled

The honours that shame Britain

Outcry as donors, fixers and MPs caught up in expenses scandal are ennobled
When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race

'When it comes to street harassment, we need to talk about race'

Why are black men living the stereotypes and why are we letting them get away with it?
International Tap Festival: Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic

International Tap Festival comes to the UK

Forget Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers - this dancing is improvised, spontaneous and rhythmic
War with Isis: Is Turkey's buffer zone in Syria a matter of self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Turkey's buffer zone in Syria: self-defence – or just anti-Kurd?

Ankara accused of exacerbating racial division by allowing Turkmen minority to cross the border