Cooper Brown: He's Out There

'I push past the elf. Suddenly I'm in this tacky cave where the bearded one is sitting on his plastic throne'

Related Topics

Uh-oh, Coop's in trouble again, and big time. It's just because it's Christmas. I like all the parties and stuff but I can't stand the frickin' fakery of having to give presents to everyone you've ever shooken hands with. You go out on a shopping blitzkrieg, throwing any old shit into your groaning basket, watching your credit card melt as you get more and more desperate to finish this whole nightmare. Crappy chocolates, unfunny books, horrible, cheap, box sets of spa stuff, more and more stuff by Ricky Gervais (how much stuff can this guy fire out? He must have some sort of Damien Hirst-like factory line producing it). No one wants any of this garbage. No one ever asked for any it. Yet everyone has to go through this ludicrous rigmarole of "giving." I don't want Shit's Miscellany or bubble bath any other time of the year so what makes people think that I need some now?

It's just like the stupid system of "rounds" you have over here in bars. The idea is that "your round" indicates that you're being generous and buying everyone a drink. However, if you accept other people's rounds but don't buy "a round" yourself then you're accused of being a tightwad. The whole system is therefore totally false. It's not about selflessly offering friends a drink. It's about offering one whilst expecting one back otherwise they put a sign up in the pub telling everyone that you're a paedophile, at least that's what happened with me at Ben's local. It's just like this Christmas charade. Why don't we all just refuse to accept any present that is worth less than £100? That way everyone would be forced to decide whether they really wanted to give that person a present or not. Setting the bar at £100 would really sort the wheat from the chuff. Victoria's mum keeps using this expression, what does it mean? I know what the sentiment is but where does it come from? Answers on a postcard please to

I went to a hellhole called Whiteley's Shopping Centre to get my Christmas duties out of the way. It's a big mall near the Cooperdome and I was hoping that I could get everything sorted in one sweep. I have a clever plan for the in-laws. I'm going to tell them that I've given the amount of money that I would have spent on them to charity. They won't dare protest and I won't dare reveal that the charity is for the benefit of a certain Mr Cooper Dakota Brown Improvement Fund. Good plan huh!

I've got to start writing for a different paper. The very fact that I can announce my devious plans in here safe in the knowledge that no one my in-laws know will read it makes me slightly uneasy. Actually, maybe I should just get some new in-laws...only kidding, sort of. The father called this paper "the voice of Satan" last weekend. Anyway, I'm wandering around this consumerdome- Whiteleys, and I can't move for Arabs. It's like downtown Jeddah. I can't help wondering what it is that they're all shopping for? It's not like Christmas is going to affect them? I have a little sneak peek into Marks and Spencers just to check that our Levantine friends are not all stockpiling food and water. If these guys know something, then I want to be in on the plan. Everything appears normal and I return to Defcom One.

I go into this lingerie store. There's no point getting Victoria any as she'd need some hippo range of panties at the moment but I reckon that a sexy little set for Danielle, my assistant, could pay off in the long run. Her insane boyfriend is back in prison and she's been a lot nicer to me recently. I think she gets the Coop now and there's no harm in keeping the workforce happy. I spend 10 pleasurable minutes in the place before the assistant starts to give me that lesbian "what are you doing in here" look that normally forces me to buy loads of stuff to prove that I'm not on pervert duties.

I refuse to succumb to her deviant pressure so I leave and find myself under the central dome of the mall. There's a huge Christmas tree/grotto affair and there's a little queue of kids waiting to see Father Christmas. I have a brainwave. I'll go see the bearded offender and get a free present off him that I'll use to give to Victoria's niece. Genius, I think to myself. So I ignore the looks from a couple of Burberried single moms and stand in the queue. I finally get to the front, only to find this little chav elf who tells me that I have to be with a child to get in.

I push past and suddenly I'm in this tacky, blue-lit cave where the bearded one is sitting on his plastic throne. He looks surprised and asks me in a Cockney accent whether I have any children with me? I tell him that I've got one on the way and that he should just hand over the present as I have stuff to do. At this moment, the elf bursts in and tries to drag me out. I end up with the elf in a headlock and Father Christmas hitting me over the head with a plastic reindeer antler. Security is called and I am frickin' arrested!! I'm taken to a little mall prison before the police come and take me away.

I'm told that I have an anger management problem. I tell them that I have Christmas Rage and that they must have better things to do, like arresting criminals, but they don't listen to me and I spend a whole afternoon and night in a police cell. I now have another court date after Christmas. I've gotta write a book about this shit. If Jeffery Archer can get away with it then so can the Coop. Happy Fuckin' Christmas. Cooper out.;

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

EBD Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: Science Teacher Greater Manchester

Humanities Teacher

£120 - £162 per day: Randstad Education Hull: Humanities teacher required for ...

English Teacher

£120 - £162 per day: Randstad Education Hull: ENGLISH TEACHER REQUIRED - Humbe...

Chemistry Teacher

£120 - £162 per day: Randstad Education Hull: We are looking for a Qualified C...

Day In a Page

Read Next

i Editor's Letter: Take a moment to imagine you're Ed Miliband...

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff

Letters: No vote poses difficult questions – so why rush?

Independent Voices
Secret politics of the weekly shop

The politics of the weekly shop

New app reveals political leanings of food companies
Beam me up, Scottie!

Beam me up, Scottie!

Celebrity Trekkies from Alex Salmond to Barack Obama
Beware Wet Paint: The ICA's latest ambitious exhibition

Beware Wet Paint

The ICA's latest ambitious exhibition
Pink Floyd have produced some of rock's greatest ever album covers

Pink Floyd have produced some of rock's greatest ever album covers

Can 'The Endless River' carry on the tradition?
Sanctuary for the suicidal

Sanctuary for the suicidal

One mother's story of how London charity Maytree helped her son with his depression
A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world
Apple still coolest brand – despite U2 PR disaster

Apple still the coolest brand

Despite PR disaster of free U2 album
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits