According to Victoria's dad, my behaviour at her 30th birthday party was "totally unacceptable" and I must desist from seeing his daughter. Jesus Christ! What the hell kind of country have I arrived in? It feels like I'm in some kind of medieval Jane Austen scenario. So I got a bit zippy on the happy juice? So frickin' what? It was a party! Victoria left early and I danced like a dude until dawn. I'm from LA, what did she expect?
Supposedly, the real problem was that the house I ended up in belonged to Tara Palmer-Tompkinson, a close friend of The Prince Charles and with whom Victoria has something of a history. How am I supposed to know the intricate social history of everyone in the city and whether they have ever had a falling out with my girlfriend? I'm not judgmental. I just want to have a good time all the time, in the words of Spinal Tap.
Anyway, four o'clock the next afternoon and I'm feeling very fragile when the Blackberry beeps - it's Victoria's dad and he launches into this verbal assault on the Coop. It ends up with him insisting that I meet him at his club. This is a snotty place off Piccadilly Circus where the doorman looks me up and down like I'm vermin. I meet "daddy" in a little, green leather-lined bar. He doesn't even bother to order a drink, nothing, he just lays into me straight off the bat. I am, apparently, a "crude, ignorant young man" who has "nothing to offer" Victoria. Well fuck him. Cooper likes a challenge and he sniffs the odour of a gauntlet thrown on the ground.
Victoria will only know that her dad had this "chat" with me when she reads this, so let's see whose side she's really on. It's war, old man, and Cooper's a Green Beret.
Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Apart from all that it's been an amazing week. I finally started work. I turned up to the office on Monday to find that I've got an incredibly hot PA chick called Danielle. This cheered up my week straight away. Ben came round to hang and fell in love instantly. She is, he informs me, "a total Essex slapper". This, according to Ben, is good news and he takes me off for a celebratory lunch. I ask Danielle to come with us but she declines. Good to know someone's going to be doing some work in the Cooper office!
Ben has got me fast-track membership of the Groucho Club. This is a private members' club that got its name from Groucho Marx, who said he'd never join a club that would let him join. My kind of place. It's full of producers and creatives doing business the man's way - over a couple of drinks and a cigar. I spotted a couple of guys I knew from LA and tried to look as established as possible as Ben and I nursed a couple of large vodkas at the bar. I wanted the word to hit the Hills that Cooper's doing just fine in London town.
Over a long lunch Ben told me about this idea he's got to set up this sports car rally from London to Beijing. He says that it used to be a really big event and he's going to revive it and get lots of sponsorship and access to a plentiful supply of cool cars. I told him that I was in, no question. Cooper and the Maserati might be going to China - that would make Victoria's pop happy!
I found out a bit more about Ben's income, a constant puzzle to me. He told me that his grandfather was one of the first people to buy up big old UK companies, strip them down and sell them off bit by bit. He became one of the 10 wealthiest people in Britain. This explains why Ben is not that career driven. I like Ben a lot, he's not as angst-ridden as most of you Brits. He's a great guy to have as a best "mate", as the Cockneys put it.
We spend a good part of the afternoon in the Groucho and I meet the guy from The Office, Ricky Gervais, who's holding court in the bar. He's a really funny man. He showed me this book of drawings he'd done of stupid animals for children. It's sold over half a million copies!!! Looks like you can sell any old shit over here. Cooper's going to have a go at writing some children's literature. Should take me about 10 minutes. Expect to see it in the stores by Christmas!
Seriously though, Ricky told me about his merchandising deals, and this is the way to go. He'd read my column and suggested I do something like a T-shirt to promote it. I swear this was his idea! No sooner said than done. I got Danielle to order up some Cooper T-shirts and they are now available to purchase at a very reasonable rate. All money made from the sales will go to a charity (Gas for Cooper's Maserati Fund). I think they're really cool and if I meet anyone wearing one I'll take them out for a night out on the town - Cooper style.
Victoria just Blackberried me. She sounds cool. I think the old man thing will blow over and I'm seeing her tonight. We're going out in Notting Hill Gate, my area, which is a big give from her as she thinks it's got "very common" because of American trash like me. You've got to love her. We're going to a restaurant called E&O that became famous because they told Mick Jagger to fuck off when he turned up without a reservation. Bet they let the Cooper in.
Cooper has donated 100 of his exclusive T-shirts for us to give away.For your chance to wear one this summer, send your name and address to:
PO Box 55705
London E14 1AQ