Dear Tony, please let me into the House of Lords

'I hate spiders, racial prejudice, conservatism of all sorts (including that of the Left) - and truckers'


Re: Application for the post of member of the second chamber (peer of the realm).

To: From: Re: Application for the post of member of the second chamber (peer of the realm).

Dear Tony: I am writing once again to ask you to consider my application for the above post. You were unable to elevate me in the period after the election, despite my letter to you of 8 May 1997, and I quite understand that decision (I was not anywhere as well known or exalted as those who you did eventually appoint, so no hard feelings). But now you have decided to invite applications from "ordinary members of the public" by e-mail (with which, as you can see, I am fully conversant), I am sufficiently emboldened by my own obscurity and "ordinariness" to write to you again.

Why me? IMHO (which, as you know stands for "in my humble opinion", an odd interpolation by a columnist, I realise, but very "cyber" I gather), one can do no better than to simply go through the basics. My daughter - now 10 and very like your own Kathryn - has shown me how they put together their likes/dislikes portfolio at school. Structurally I do not think it can be improved upon. So here goes.

Age: Not much over 40, so able simultaneously to comprehend the difficulties of age (my prostate is giving me a bit of gyp), to empathise with the stresses of the middle years, while recalling the passions and interests of youth. I am not so arrogant, however, as to turn down the opportunity to attend any refresher courses on the teenage years that your party organisation might have access to. Is it me, or has modern pop music become remarkably unmelodious?

Home and job: I live in Hampstead and work mostly from home. Now, at first sight this may seem to set me apart from the broad mass of the electorate who - through no fault of their own - do not have apartments in Hampstead and are not called upon to write for The Independent.

But I feel that such logic is faulty. I have a lively imagination, which I employ at least twice a week in speculating (occasionally correctly) upon what it is that the electorate as a whole thinks and feels, and what the Government should, as a consequence, do about it.

Also you have seen fit to listen to journalists before (notably the eminent ex-editor Simon Jenkins on the subject of the Dome, for whose, er, failure he can hardly be blamed).

Besides, living here can scarcely be considered a disqualification. Many other current and prospective Labour peers may be seen strolling round about, or sipping lattes in pavement cafes with Anthony Minghella and Sting. Melvyn, Helena, Waheed and Ivan - to name but four - are all close by. And one advantage of this is that should - God forbid - there be a worsening of the transport crisis, then several of us could come to the House together in one or other of the limousines owned by the aforementioned.

BTW (sorry, "by the way"), when I mentioned God just then, I have to admit that - unlike you - I cannot be classified as a believer. But I know your own feelings on the subject and want to assure you that I have a deep respect for the religious views of others, no matter how weird or founded in the crepuscular gloom of pre-civilisation they are. So I feel I could get on well with the assorted bishops, rabbis, gurus and Zoroastrian fire-holders that I am sure you will want to appoint to other seats in the reformed chamber. Some of my best friends are Jesuits.

Likes and dislikes: I like cappuccino, open government and intervention in foreign countries where justified by the scale of the humanitarian crisis. I am also a passionate supporter of education, having recently been elected a school governor (the second meeting is next week), and hoping to make it on to the curriculum sub-committee.

I hate spiders, racial prejudice, conservatism of all sorts (including that of the Left) and truckers. I would be quite willing, in the current crisis, to organise and lead a group of militant cyclists, who would undertake to ride very slowly in front of large lorries, tractors and pantechnicons, as a retaliation against the blockade. And there are many more ideas where that came from, Tony!

I think you can see from the foregoing that I combine commitment with experience, ideas with common sense, and an everyday practicality with the dreams of a better society, in which the old divisions are set aside and...

But the word limit on the application has been reached. Should you wish to take up references, they can be obtained from Frank Dobson MP (currently on retreat on Iona), Jimmy Somerville and Sir Alan Sugar.

BFN. David.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Senior Risk Manager - Banking - London - £650

£600 - £650 per day: Orgtel: Conduct Risk Liaison Manager - Banking - London -...

Commercial Litigation Associate

Highly Attractive Package: Austen Lloyd: CITY - COMMERCIAL LITIGATION - GLOBAL...

Systems Manager - Dynamics AX

£65000 - £75000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: The client is a...

Service Delivery Manager (Software Development, Testing)

£40000 - £45000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A well-established software house ba...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The economy expanded by 0.8 per cent in the second quarter of 2014  

British economy: Government hails the latest GDP figures, but there is still room for skepticism over this 'glorious recovery'

Ben Chu
Comedy queen: Miranda Hart has said that she is excited about working on the new film  

There is no such thing as a middle-class laugh

David Lister
Evan Davis: The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing to take over at Newsnight

The BBC’s wolf in sheep’s clothing

What will Evan Davis be like on Newsnight?
Finding the names for America’s shame: What happens to the immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert?

Finding the names for America’s shame

The immigrants crossing the US-Mexico border without documents who never make it past the Arizona desert
Inside a church for Born Again Christians: Speaking to God in a Manchester multiplex

Inside a church for Born Again Christians

As Britain's Anglican church struggles to establish its modern identity, one branch of Christianity is booming
Rihanna, Kim Kardashian and me: How Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Olivier Rousteing is revitalising the house of Balmain

Parisian couturier Pierre Balmain made his name dressing the mid-century jet set. Today, Olivier Rousteing – heir to the house Pierre built – is celebrating their 21st-century equivalents. The result? Nothing short of Balmania
Cancer, cardiac arrest, HIV and homelessness - and he's only 39

Incredible survival story of David Tovey

Tovey went from cooking for the Queen to rifling through bins for his supper. His is a startling story of endurance against the odds – and of a social safety net failing at every turn
Backhanders, bribery and abuses of power have soared in China as economy surges

Bribery and abuses of power soar in China

The bribery is fuelled by the surge in China's economy but the rules of corruption are subtle and unspoken, finds Evan Osnos, as he learns the dark arts from a master
Commonwealth Games 2014: Highland terriers stole the show at the opening ceremony

Highland terriers steal the show at opening ceremony

Gillian Orr explores why a dog loved by film stars and presidents is finally having its day
German art world rocked as artists use renowned fat sculpture to distil schnapps

Brewing the fat from artwork angers widow of sculptor

Part of Joseph Beuys' 1982 sculpture 'Fettecke' used to distil schnapps
BBC's The Secret History of Our Streets reveals a fascinating window into Britain's past

BBC takes viewers back down memory lane

The Secret History of Our Streets, which returns with three films looking at Scottish streets, is the inverse of Benefits Street - delivering warmth instead of cynicism
Joe, film review: Nicolas Cage delivers an astonishing performance in low budget drama

Nicolas Cage shines in low-budget drama Joe

Cage plays an ex-con in David Gordon Green's independent drama, which has been adapted from a novel by Larry Brown
How to make your own gourmet ice lollies, granitas, slushy cocktails and frozen yoghurt

Make your own ice lollies and frozen yoghurt

Think outside the cool box for this summer's tempting frozen treats
Ford Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time, with sales topping 4.1 million since 1976

Fiesta is UK's most popular car of all-time

Sales have topped 4.1 million since 1976. To celebrate this milestone, four Independent writers recall their Fiestas with pride
10 best reed diffusers

Heaven scent: 10 best reed diffusers

Keep your rooms smelling summery and fresh with one of these subtle but distinctive home fragrances that’ll last you months
Commonwealth Games 2014: Female boxers set to compete for first time

Female boxers set to compete at Commonwealth Games for first time

There’s no favourites and with no headguards anything could happen
Five things we’ve learned so far about Manchester United under Louis van Gaal

Five things we’ve learned so far about United under Van Gaal

It’s impossible to avoid the impression that the Dutch manager is playing to the gallery a little