Deborah Ross: Snack by snack – the easy way to gain weight

If you ask me...

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, I do wish everyone would get off my back about "dropping a dress size" which, aside from anything else, seems so very fraught with difficulties. Where am I meant to drop it? What if I drop it on the bus and it breaks someone's toe? Might I get sued? What if I were to drop it in the street and was then told: "Pick that up! It's because of people like you this country is going to the dogs!" How shaming would that be? And no matter how or where or when you drop your dress size, isn't it simply going to work its way back to you if not tomorrow, then the day after? In this sense, is there even any point?

As it is, I don't even think I want to drop a dress size. I've actually worked quite hard to go up not one, but two dress sizes in recent years, and have made many sacrifices; have spent long hours at the fridge door eating between meals and snacking between snacks when I could have been doing other things. If I'd spent that time studying medicine, say, I could be a senior surgical consultant. But no, I put the time in at the fridge door, and now you are saying it should all go to waste? Unbelievable.

How do you up your dress size as successfully as I have done? Although it amounts to little more than "eat more, move less" I can offer some helpful further tips which should always include wolfing the children's leftovers (if they look like finishing, you can pull the chair from under them; you'd be amazed how many fishfingers you can get down while they are still sobbing), substituting chocolate bars should you ever get a craving for a tangerine, and never drinking water, which can give you the sort of "full feeling" which can otherwise be achieved with cake.

As to the top five superfoods associated with this diet, these are mayonnaise, butter, lard, cream and suet, which can even be combined together into the Up A Dress Size Supershake. I've already received much positive feedback as to the effectiveness of this eating plan – "Thank you; I've gone up five dress sizes and can now fill shapeless baggy jumpers like never before!" – and if you don't achieve results fast, ask yourself this: have I yet discovered those pies you can get from the garage and heat up in the mini-oven? If the answer is no, this could well be what is holding you back.

(And another tip: beware cucumber. It is only water in disguise. Never handle without wearing protective clothing and safety goggles.)

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Manager - OTE £40,000

£25000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This web-based lead generation ...

Tradewind Recruitment: Intervention Teacher Required To Start ASAP.

£125 - £150 per day + Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: A 'wonderful primary ...

Tradewind Recruitment: Maths Teacher

£90 - £140 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Our client is an 11-16 mixed commun...

Recruitment Genius: PHP / Drupal / SaaS Developer

£32000 - £36000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A rapidly developing company in...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Benedict Cumberbatch attends a special screening of his latest film The Imitation Game  

Benedict Cumberbatch race row: What's the actual difference between 'coloured' and 'person of colour'?

Matthew Norman
Pressure is growing on Chris Grayling to abandon the Government bid to advise Saudi Arabia on running its prisons (Getty)  

What in sanity’s name is Chris Grayling doing in the job of Justice Secretary?

Matthew Norman
Greece elections: In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza

Greece elections

In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza, says Patrick Cockburn
Holocaust Memorial Day: Nazi victims remembered as spectre of prejudice reappears

Holocaust Memorial Day

Nazi victims remembered as spectre of prejudice reappears over Europe
Fortitude and the Arctic attraction: Our fascination with the last great wilderness

Magnetic north

The Arctic has always exerted a pull, from Greek myth to new thriller Fortitude. Gerard Gilbert considers what's behind our fascination with the last great wilderness
Homeless Veterans appeal: Homeless in Wales can find inspiration from Daniel’s story

Homeless Veterans appeal

Homeless in Wales can find inspiration from Daniel’s story
Front National family feud? Marine Le Pen and her relatives clash over French far-right party's response to Paris terror attacks

Front National family feud?

Marine Le Pen and her relatives clash over French far-right party's response to Paris terror attacks
Pot of gold: tasting the world’s most expensive tea

Pot of gold

Tasting the world’s most expensive tea
10 best wildlife-watching experiences: From hen harriers to porpoises

From hen harriers to porpoises: 10 best wildlife-watching experiences

While many of Britain's birds have flown south for the winter, it's still a great time to get outside for a spot of twitching
Nick Easter: 'I don’t want just to hold tackle bags, I want to be out there'

'I don’t want just to hold tackle bags, I want to be out there'

Nick Easter targeting World Cup place after England recall
DSK, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel

The inside track on France's trial of the year

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Dodo the Pimp, and the Carlton Hotel:
As provocative now as they ever were

Sarah Kane season

Why her plays are as provocative now as when they were written
Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of a killing in Iraq 11 years ago

Murder of Japanese hostage has grim echoes of another killing

Japanese mood was against what was seen as irresponsible trips to a vicious war zone
Syria crisis: Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more refugees as one young mother tells of torture by Assad regime

Celebrities call on David Cameron to take more Syrian refugees

One young mother tells of torture by Assad regime
The enemy within: People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back – with promising results

The enemy within

People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back
'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

'In Auschwitz you got used to anything'

Survivors of the Nazi concentration camp remember its horror, 70 years on
Autumn/winter menswear 2015: The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore

Autumn/winter menswear 2015

The uniforms that make up modern life come to the fore