Deborah Ross: A job for the Celebrity Mum of the Year surveillance unit

If you ask me...
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The Independent Online

If you ask me, I am absolutely gutted – using the vocabulary of my online haters, I might also say I am "apauled" – by the hounding of reality TV star and face of Iceland, Stacey Solomon, who was pictured having a cigarette while seven months pregnant and has been stripped of her Celebrity Mum of The Year title.

Now, although some might consider the title not much of a thing, and so being stripped of it cannot be much of a thing either, I promise you it is punishment enough. In fact, it is as traumatic as it is brutal and may even come in the form of a dawn raid, as it did in Stacey's instance.

Indeed, as I understand it, a crack team of eight camouflage-suited commandos from the Metropolitan Police's highly specialised Celebrity Mum of the Year surveillance unit – as distinct from the Rear of the Year surveillance unit, whose remit does not allow them to take their eyes off Fiona Bruce's arse even for a second – had surrounded Stacey's house by 5am last Thursday and, after subduing her with tear gas and a taser, made her lie face down on the gravel in the unseasonably hot March sun. "I'm sorry," she's said to have whimpered, "but I only have three a day and am trying to give up!"

As helicopters whirled above – these are believed to have been provided by the Spectacle of the Year surveillance unit, who can be co-operative when not stalking Ronnie Corbett – the Celebrity Mum unit refused to show any mercy.

Instead, Stacey was rolled on to her back so the unit's chief could shout into her face: "What do you have for brains? What part of 'smoking is bad for your unborn child' don't you understand? It's been on the packet for decades. Want me to read it to you? Think the choice, though, is ultimately up to you? That it's nobody's business but yours? Look up! Speak up! I can't hear you."

They then entered her house and removed her Celebrity Mum of the Year sash, as detected by their sash-sniffer dog, Buster, who also works for the Rear of the Year team, and has been specially trained to detect if Fiona's bum might be about to sour.

So, poor Stacey. Lay off. She's been through the mill. She's done in. She still has bits of gravel between her teeth. Plus, who was the only person to come to her defence? Kerry Katona, who told The Sun yesterday: "It was a Silk Cut, so it's not as if it was a real cigarette."

Or, as she might say if a small child was run over by a Fiat Punto: "At least it wasn't a Land Rover". And that's all I have to say about this whole "apauling" business.