Deborah Ross: After 'Antiques Roadshow', does Fiona Bruce go off to play netball or to have dirty sex? Or both?

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The Independent Online

If you ask me, the best response to Piers Morgan's "Top 100 Celebrities" as devised by him in the bath and as recently published in the Mail on Sunday has to be our own list of top celebrities, as devised by me not just while in the bath, but also while drying off, as I am one of those people who likes to go the extra mile. So here, in no particular order except the one I've put them in, are my top five celebrities for now and until I next take a bath, which will probably be on Tuesday:

5. Gregg Wallace. Thanks to Mr Wallace, the big, shouty one from MasterChef, there is tension where there might otherwise be none, as in: "WE KNOW JANE CAN DO PRESENTATION, BUT CAN SHE DO BIG, BIG FLAVOURS?" Can she? Can she? It's so nerve-racking, I often watch from behind the sofa. Some might say that if Mr Wallace didn't talk the show up it would just be a lot of dull foodies chopping onions, but that's just daft.

4. Cheryl Cole. Ms Cole must be on these lists, just because she must. In fact, when her name first came to me in the bath, it was quite early on and I thought then as I think now: no list of any kind is complete without her name on it. And I was right. So here she is.

3. The Little Boy From The Haze TV Commercials. This is the little boy who keeps repeating: "But I want to do a poo at Paul's house." Honestly, what does Paul's mother think? I'd know what I'd be saying, if I were her: "What makes you think you can come to my house just to do a poo, you filthy, stinky little boy?" His ability continually to astonish earns him his place.

2. Fiona Bruce. When Ms Bruce clocks off from Antiques Roadshow, does she go off to play netball or does she go off to have dirty sex? She has the look of a woman who is up for either. Or both. One at 3pm, say, and the other at 4pm. We like her for it. Just do.

1. Simon Cowell. I did consider thinking long and hard about who should win the top spot, but then thought: No. I'll just put in Simon Cowell like everybody else. Also, I'd dried off, and once I'm dried off, I clock off. It's just the way I am.