Deborah Ross: After 'Antiques Roadshow', does Fiona Bruce go off to play netball or to have dirty sex? Or both?

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, the best response to Piers Morgan's "Top 100 Celebrities" as devised by him in the bath and as recently published in the Mail on Sunday has to be our own list of top celebrities, as devised by me not just while in the bath, but also while drying off, as I am one of those people who likes to go the extra mile. So here, in no particular order except the one I've put them in, are my top five celebrities for now and until I next take a bath, which will probably be on Tuesday:

5. Gregg Wallace. Thanks to Mr Wallace, the big, shouty one from MasterChef, there is tension where there might otherwise be none, as in: "WE KNOW JANE CAN DO PRESENTATION, BUT CAN SHE DO BIG, BIG FLAVOURS?" Can she? Can she? It's so nerve-racking, I often watch from behind the sofa. Some might say that if Mr Wallace didn't talk the show up it would just be a lot of dull foodies chopping onions, but that's just daft.

4. Cheryl Cole. Ms Cole must be on these lists, just because she must. In fact, when her name first came to me in the bath, it was quite early on and I thought then as I think now: no list of any kind is complete without her name on it. And I was right. So here she is.

3. The Little Boy From The Haze TV Commercials. This is the little boy who keeps repeating: "But I want to do a poo at Paul's house." Honestly, what does Paul's mother think? I'd know what I'd be saying, if I were her: "What makes you think you can come to my house just to do a poo, you filthy, stinky little boy?" His ability continually to astonish earns him his place.

2. Fiona Bruce. When Ms Bruce clocks off from Antiques Roadshow, does she go off to play netball or does she go off to have dirty sex? She has the look of a woman who is up for either. Or both. One at 3pm, say, and the other at 4pm. We like her for it. Just do.

1. Simon Cowell. I did consider thinking long and hard about who should win the top spot, but then thought: No. I'll just put in Simon Cowell like everybody else. Also, I'd dried off, and once I'm dried off, I clock off. It's just the way I am.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Year 5 Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Plymouth: Year 5 Primary Teaching positionRands...

C# Algo-Developer (BDD/TDD, ASP.NET, JavaScript, RX)

£45000 - £69999 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# Algo-Develo...

Senior Data Scientist (Data Mining, Apache Mahout, Python,R,AI)

£60000 - £70000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Senior Data Sc...

Data Scientist (SQL,Data mining, data modelling, PHD, AI)

£50000 - £80000 per annum + benefits+bonus+package: Harrington Starr: Data Sci...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The power of anonymity lies in the freedom it grants

Boyd Tonkin
Rebel fighters walk in front of damaged buildings in Karam al-Jabal neighbourhood of Aleppo on August 26, 2014.  

The Isis threat must be confronted with clarity and determination

Ed Miliband
Ukraine crisis: The phoney war is over as Russian troops and armour pour across the border

The phoney war is over

Russian troops and armour pour into Ukraine
Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

Potatoes could be off the menu as crop pests threaten UK

The world’s entire food system is under attack - and Britain is most at risk, according to a new study
Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Gangnam smile: why the Chinese are flocking to South Korea to buy a new face

Seoul's plastic surgery industry is booming thanks to the popularity of the K-Pop look
From Mozart to Orson Welles: Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

Creative geniuses who peaked too soon

After the death of Sandy Wilson, 90, who wrote his only hit musical in his twenties, John Walsh wonders what it's like to peak too soon and go on to live a life more ordinary
Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Caught in the crossfire of a cyber Cold War

Fears are mounting that Vladimir Putin has instructed hackers to target banks like JP Morgan
Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years

Salomé: A head for seduction

Salomé's feminine wiles have inspired writers, painters and musicians for 2,000 years. Now audiences can meet the Biblical femme fatale in two new stage and screen projects
From Bram Stoker to Stanley Kubrick, the British Library's latest exhibition celebrates all things Gothic

British Library celebrates all things Gothic

Forthcoming exhibition Terror and Wonder: The Gothic Imagination will be the UK's largest ever celebration of Gothic literature
The Hard Rock Café's owners are embroiled in a bitter legal dispute - but is the restaurant chain worth fighting for?

Is the Hard Rock Café worth fighting for?

The restaurant chain's owners are currently embroiled in a bitter legal dispute
Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival

In search of Caribbean soul food

Caribbean cuisine is becoming increasingly popular in the UK ... and there's more to it than jerk chicken at carnival
11 best face powders

11 best face powders

Sweep away shiny skin with our pick of the best pressed and loose powder bases
England vs Norway: Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Roy Hodgson's hands tied by exploding top flight

Lack of Englishmen at leading Premier League clubs leaves manager hamstrung
Angel Di Maria and Cristiano Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

Di Maria and Ronaldo: A tale of two Manchester United No 7s

They both inherited the iconic shirt at Old Trafford, but the £59.7m new boy is joining a club in a very different state
Israel-Gaza conflict: No victory for Israel despite weeks of death and devastation

Robert Fisk: No victory for Israel despite weeks of devastation

Palestinians have won: they are still in Gaza, and Hamas is still there
Mary Beard writes character reference for Twitter troll who called her a 'slut'

Unlikely friends: Mary Beard and the troll who called her a ‘filthy old slut’

The Cambridge University classicist even wrote the student a character reference
America’s new apartheid: Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone

America’s new apartheid

Prosperous white districts are choosing to break away from black cities and go it alone