Deborah Ross: After 'Antiques Roadshow', does Fiona Bruce go off to play netball or to have dirty sex? Or both?

Share
Related Topics

If you ask me, the best response to Piers Morgan's "Top 100 Celebrities" as devised by him in the bath and as recently published in the Mail on Sunday has to be our own list of top celebrities, as devised by me not just while in the bath, but also while drying off, as I am one of those people who likes to go the extra mile. So here, in no particular order except the one I've put them in, are my top five celebrities for now and until I next take a bath, which will probably be on Tuesday:

5. Gregg Wallace. Thanks to Mr Wallace, the big, shouty one from MasterChef, there is tension where there might otherwise be none, as in: "WE KNOW JANE CAN DO PRESENTATION, BUT CAN SHE DO BIG, BIG FLAVOURS?" Can she? Can she? It's so nerve-racking, I often watch from behind the sofa. Some might say that if Mr Wallace didn't talk the show up it would just be a lot of dull foodies chopping onions, but that's just daft.

4. Cheryl Cole. Ms Cole must be on these lists, just because she must. In fact, when her name first came to me in the bath, it was quite early on and I thought then as I think now: no list of any kind is complete without her name on it. And I was right. So here she is.

3. The Little Boy From The Haze TV Commercials. This is the little boy who keeps repeating: "But I want to do a poo at Paul's house." Honestly, what does Paul's mother think? I'd know what I'd be saying, if I were her: "What makes you think you can come to my house just to do a poo, you filthy, stinky little boy?" His ability continually to astonish earns him his place.

2. Fiona Bruce. When Ms Bruce clocks off from Antiques Roadshow, does she go off to play netball or does she go off to have dirty sex? She has the look of a woman who is up for either. Or both. One at 3pm, say, and the other at 4pm. We like her for it. Just do.

1. Simon Cowell. I did consider thinking long and hard about who should win the top spot, but then thought: No. I'll just put in Simon Cowell like everybody else. Also, I'd dried off, and once I'm dried off, I clock off. It's just the way I am.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Online Media Sales Trainee

£15000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Now our rapidly expanding and A...

Recruitment Genius: Public House Manager / Management Couples

£15000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you passionate about great ...

Recruitment Genius: Production Planner

£20000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This fast growing reinforcing s...

Recruitment Genius: General Factory Operatives

£18000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This fast growing reinforcing s...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

If I were Prime Minister: Every privatised corner of the NHS would be taken back into public ownership

Philip Pullman
 

Errors & Omissions: Magna Carta, sexing bishops and ministerial aides

John Rentoul
As in 1942, Germany must show restraint over Greece

As in 1942, Germany must show restraint over Greece

Mussolini tried to warn his ally of the danger of bringing the country to its knees. So should we, says Patrick Cockburn
Britain's widening poverty gap should be causing outrage at the start of the election campaign

The short stroll that should be our walk of shame

Courting the global elite has failed to benefit Britain, as the vast disparity in wealth on display in the capital shows
Homeless Veterans appeal: The rise of the working poor: when having a job cannot prevent poverty

Homeless Veterans appeal

The rise of the working poor: when having a job cannot prevent poverty
Prince Charles the saviour of the nation? A new book highlights concerns about how political he will be when he eventually becomes king

Prince Charles the saviour of the nation?

A new book highlights concerns about how political he will be when he eventually becomes king
How books can defeat Isis: Patrick Cockburn was able to update his agenda-setting 'The Rise of Islamic State' while under attack in Baghdad

How books can defeat Isis

Patrick Cockburn was able to update his agenda-setting 'The Rise of Islamic State' while under attack in Baghdad
Judith Hackitt: The myths of elf 'n' safety

Judith Hackitt: The myths of elf 'n' safety

She may be in charge of minimising our risks of injury, but the chair of the Health and Safety Executive still wants children to be able to hurt themselves
The open loathing between Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu just got worse

The open loathing between Obama and Netanyahu just got worse

The Israeli PM's relationship with the Obama has always been chilly, but going over the President's head on Iran will do him no favours, says Rupert Cornwell
French chefs get 'le huff' as nation slips down global cuisine rankings

French chefs get 'le huff' as nation slips down global cuisine rankings

Fury at British best restaurants survey sees French magazine produce a rival list
Star choreographer Matthew Bourne gives young carers a chance to perform at Sadler's Wells

Young carers to make dance debut

What happened when superstar choreographer Matthew Bourne encouraged 27 teenage carers to think about themselves for once?
Design Council's 70th anniversary: Four of the most intriguing prototypes from Ones to Watch

Design Council's 70th anniversary

Four of the most intriguing prototypes from Ones to Watch
Dame Harriet Walter: The actress on learning what it is to age, plastic surgery, and her unease at being honoured by the establishment

Dame Harriet Walter interview

The actress on learning what it is to age, plastic surgery, and her unease at being honoured by the establishment
Art should not be a slave to the ideas driving it

Art should not be a slave to the ideas driving it

Critics of Tom Stoppard's new play seem to agree that cerebral can never trump character, says DJ Taylor
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's winter salads will make you feel energised through February

Bill Granger's winter salads

Salads aren't just a bit on the side, says our chef - their crunch, colour and natural goodness are perfect for a midwinter pick-me-up
England vs Wales: Cool head George Ford ready to put out dragon fire

George Ford: Cool head ready to put out dragon fire

No 10’s calmness under pressure will be key for England in Cardiff
Michael Calvin: Time for Old Firm to put aside bigotry and forge new links

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Time for Old Firm to put aside bigotry and forge new links